


The Moon Will Always Light Your Way, Kim Jongin

by LostinThisIndigoGalaxy



Series: Binary Stars [3]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: 2 Kids comeback inspired, Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Artists, Author has a foul mouth, Autistic Coded Character, BDSM, BDSM and PTSD, Biting, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Dominant Lee Taemin, Drag Queens, Everybody is vers unless otherwise specified., Fairy Tale Elements, Fairy Tale Retellings, Family, Fck a gender norm, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluid pronouns, Frank discussion about sex, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Healing, Kink Negotiation, LGBTQ Character of Color, M/M, Magic, Mild Hurt/Comfort, My tags are mostly useless but they make me happy, Nini is a biter, No explicit smut here sorry, Nonbinary Character, Nonverbal Communication, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Exchange, Queer Character, Queer Families, Queer Themes, Reference to past experienced homophobia, Romantic Fluff, Self regulating stims, Sex Positive, Social Anxiety, Sometimes feelings are more difficult than sex, Submissive Kim Jongin | Kai, Sweet, Switch and versatile are two separate things, Taemin and Kai soft boyfriend affirmation hours, Taemin has trust issues, That good TaeKai uwu, Trauma, True Love, Versatile switches though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 55,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostinThisIndigoGalaxy/pseuds/LostinThisIndigoGalaxy
Summary: Kim Jongin just wants to live his quiet introvert life, write his poems and hopefully avoid Baekhyun's meddling.He knows fairy tales are for other people and he's way past the point of worrying about it.But one sunny day after he was forced out of his own home, therapeutically supposedly, a chance meeting with a kind mysterious person, and then one singular tattooed performance artist seems to set him on his own path to true love.Maybe Fairy Tales can be for people like him after all. Lee Taemin sure seems to be a dream come true.-----This is part of a soulmates AU series but should stand on its own pretty well.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key, Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin, Mentioned Minho/Onew/Suho/Xiumin, Oh Sehun/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay
Series: Binary Stars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838836
Comments: 29
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This technically part of a series of fluffy fluffy soulmate AU's. This is the official Coffee Shop AU in the series. 
> 
> If you read the beginning the subtext will make more sense but it probably works fine as a stand alone.
> 
> This story was not supposed to be what it has become at all. 
> 
> It was supposed to be a nice sweet little nugget of queer love candy. Then the teasers for 2 Kids came out and now it has become a whole story arc with complexity and everything, at Taemin and Nini's insistence. Though still very sweet and very fluffy, with the happiest of fairy tale endings. That's just my me-ness.
> 
> You'll notice that I marked this one hurt/comfort so please be prepared. It will not be torment, and will be resolved pretty quickly but this story will deal with issues of mental illness, depression, and trauma. 
> 
> I'll add the tags as I get there so please if you subscribe to this story, keep an eye on the tags. 
> 
> I really love this story, writing it is bringing me a great deal of comfort. 
> 
> Because those of us with trauma and mental illness deserve love too. Fate can bring the true love to you but we still have to make it work. Relationships are complicated, beautiful, surprising. 
> 
> Finding ways for people to love each other and be in each other's lives in ways that grow them...it's a journey, but a worthwhile one for those who want or need that.  
> \-----
> 
> We are not entitled to the private lives of Idols. If you suspect one of your favorite idols might actually be LGBTQIA+ The most respectful thing we can do is leave them The hell alone about it.
> 
> They can't freely talk about it. We should not try to force them to. Outing people, trying to out people is always wrong.
> 
> Vox Noire is feeding vulnerable black families with direct reparations. Contribute if you can.
> 
> https://checkout.square.site/pay/ede082a569ce4352b6bc30d3dd6ec00a

It was a beautiful day...an annoyingly beautiful wonderful day. Jongin was perfectly happy to be unhappy at it. Maybe it was the beautiful day's fault. 

But he knew that wasn't true. It was Baekhyun's fault for spending 42 minutes teasing him for never going anywhere. Ever. 

As if Baekhyun was any better, just because he had a Chanyeol to drag him places, and was ok maybe better at covering his anxiety than Jongin. None of that made Baekyun a better brand of introvert. The nerve. 

Was this sulking? Mayyybe but it was his right. Usually when Baekhyun got on a tear, Chanyeol would distract him with silly jokes, love confessions...or you know his mouth, because everyone knew Byun Baekhyun was astonishingly single minded...unless one Park Chanyeol floated by. Bless Chanyeol hyung really. But not today, today his friend, had not bailed him out. Today his best friend had betrayed him.

"I don't know man", Chanyeol sighed, "maybe Baek is right, you really haven't gone anywhere outside of teaching, that you didn't absolutely have to, in weeks. Maybe you should go get some tea at that new place, get some sun on your face. Your brood is starting to take physical form in the living room." 

What the fuck ever...just because he was a little more disorganized than usual. He had not even had time to eat before they bundled him up, handed him his bag, forcefully, and shoved him bodily out the door. His hair still looked like it was competing for most outrageous performance art piece, and he was seriously out of sorts. This whole thing was probably just because they wanted the house to themselves too...but he was going regardless. He'd never hear the end of it if he didn't. Oh shit- 

In the intensity of Jongin's internal monologue, he'd almost not seen the small despairing person sitting hunched on the sidewalk staring at a giant messy sprawl of books that had apparently fallen...from somewhere. The person was extremely noticable given they had electric orange hair, a shimmery midnight blue comfy sweater and tattoos of suns and stars peeking out on every inch of exposed skin. It was quite an effect. He wasn't sure how he had managed to almost trip on them. But he still had. Shit he should help.

"Oh my gosh," Jongin hurried to assist, "Are you ok? Did your books fall? I didn't even realize there was a book store here" Jongin read the store front:

'Love, Literature, and a Little Luck- Books and Things' 

How in the world had he not noticed such a cute little bookstore? He wondered if he could get away with staying here instead of going to the coffee shop he had promised to visit. Probably not, Baekhyun hyung had a particular glint in his eye this morning and a determined Baek was more Baek than he was currently up to dealing with. 

Jongin realized he had been staring idly while the person, explained that yes, there had been a fall. He did his best to focus in his still sleepy state. Together the two of them picked up all the books and stacked them precariously on a creaking old library cart. This whole place inhabited the word quaint. Jongin loved it.

"Thank you so much son", They pulled something out of their pocket, tucked it into Jongin's hand while shaking his fist affectionately. It was...an old coin of some sort, there seemed to be a geometric pattern on the front that was almost completely worn away. What in the world would he do with this? 

"Oh no, that's ok..." He started to protest the weird coin but the person looked at him with a funny satisfaction and insisted. 

"Please keep it", they said gesturing at their shop, "it's brought me luck. Perhaps it will bring you something special today as well" 

Jongin looked at the old coin scoffing internally, but he wasn't so cranky as to be that rude. He thanked the mysterious person, bowed respectfully, and turned to continue his trek into the great coffee shop unknown. From behind him the mysterious book shop owner laughed loud, "And tell Baekhyun ssi that he only does so well in crowds now because he has that bean pole to hold on to. No doubt you would do wonderfully with the right man to hold on to yourself." 

Yes, exactly. Finally someone understood, wait... what? He spun around to ask how the fuck...and they were gone. Nope. Nope. Nope. Maybe he misheard. He was just not going to deal with any of that weird right now while he was not even awake and had not eaten a bite. It was probably a dream brought on by the severity of his hunger. So he was going to go get his tea and be done with it. Baekhyun hyung would stop worrying about him and he could live his introvert life in peace for awhile. 

He realized just as he turned to go again, there was one lone cobalt blue book on the ground. He gingerly picked it up "The New Moon and The North Star, a Tale of Epic Love and Adventure" that was....weird...right? The cover was kind of nice though, peaceful. He tried to return it, but the shop was already locked somehow. At that point he really had run out of patience... he couldn't just leave the book on the ground though. It seemed wrong somehow. He shoved the book deep in his bag and headed towards the new coffee shop torment. New. Not his favorite flavor but he could do it if it meant he got the beagle boyfriends off his back for a few weeks. 

The coffee shop, it turned out, was called 'The Drip Drop", Hmmmph someone probably thought they were very witty. He felt the weight of the book in his bag...an epic tale of love and adventure...ok maybe the name was a little cute. There was a sweet little sign with emojis and hearts hand drawn all around the perimeter that said 'Iced Americanos always available 6v6'. The decor of the coffee shop was super whimsical but cozy. Was quirky-core a thing? If it was this was it. It was comfortable, familiar, homey even. 

He dug around in his bag trying to find his wallet as he bellied up to the counter, his hair fell in his face making the whole process extra frustrating. How could his hair, that was currently standing on end like whoah, be falling in his face? It was probably just to annoy him. He just needed to find his wallet hopefully without the humiliation of having to dump his entire bag on the counter top. 

The coin he'd been given fell from nowhere it should have and landed on the counter spinning lazily. He looked up at the noise, startled. His world slowed down, breathe. 

The man standing behind the register was smiling at him like he was an old friend. His eyes... Jongin felt an overwhelming desire to reach for him. 

*Finally* ---- "Finally, you're here" Ecstacy. what? What? That...no he didn't know him. For a second he thought he did, that was all. Jongin was vaguely aware of the coin slowing it's noisy spin. 

The cashier, who was still beaming at him, was sandy blonde. He wore a high end casual punk style, that should have looked like he was trying to hard but didn't. His company t-shirt said 'Taemin' in a friendly font, his whole demeanor said benevolent trouble maker. He had a soft playful mouth, smooth perfect sunny skin that was absolutely covered in tattoos. Jongin couldn't help but notice there was a rising sun on his left hand. That tattoo...It reminded him of the strange book store owner...or maybe it reminded him of something he couldn't quite remember...like Deja Vu or a word on the tip of your tongue. The man- Taemin presumably, was stunning. He was every adjective stronger than stunning. Jongin felt like he could spend a life time getting to know, knowing that face...that face felt like an oasis somehow. He remembered to breathe.

-Oh the coin. Jongin clomped the noisy thing to a stop and smiled in a way he hoped was charming not terrified. 

"I am so sorry. I, ughhh thought I recognized you for a second, but of course not. It's been a weird day. Oh! My order, hahaha, well...I would like an, umm... a tea, something relaxing... surprise me? I can't possibly choose right now... and ohh I haven't eaten no wonder. Do you have food? Can I please please have food, please tell me you have food. I have had the absolute most unfucking-likely morning." 

Somehow defying anything and everything Jongin knew about beautiful men, Taemin bounced happily, his smile actually growing in both size and radiance at Jongin's embarrassing ramble. Oh boy, he could feel himself quickly becoming more and more gloriously doomed. 

Jongin felt like he had been living in the darkness his entire life and had just in this moment, stumbled into the brilliant midday sun. It was revolutionary...and a little overwhelming. 

"Yes, we definitely have food. I am almost absolutely certain we have your favorites. It's a goal of mine if you want to know the truth. Did you want to pick something?" Taemin asked, his eyes glittering with warmth and mischief. Jongin wasn't sure why he felt like he was being teased...or why that categorically didn't bother him.

"Honestly, no I do not want to pick, is that allowed? Something sweet please...and if you have non sweets... something...chicken. I would very much like it if that would be the extent of my choosing in this scenario." 

Taemin finally laughed out loud at him, clutching his heart. It didn't feel mean though. He could get used to that laugh. 

"Yes", Taemin could barely stop giggling to respond, "That's absolutely fine. Something relaxing, something sweet, and something chicken coming right up. Take a seat where ever you are comfortable and I'll bring your food out to you myself." Taemin winked at him, still giggling, and hustled off leaving Jongin's feelings a tornado of embarrassed, infatuated, and hopeful. 

Maybe this trip wasn't pointless after all. 

\------

Jongin found a nice over stuffed love seat, tucked behind a giant green...plant thing. Plants were not his forte so he didn't know for sure what kind, some kind of palmy or ferny guy... maybe. It was frondy...and smelled like a forest, the river maybe, old and kind. It was soothing, Jongin almost always needed soothing so it was an infinity of welcome. 

The seat was a deep comfortable embrace and if he was being honest with himself, he actually was glad he had come today. Mayyybe his hyungs had been right. Maybe. The book had somehow ended up in his hands. Had he even paid? Maybe he hadn't. 

Fuck how was he such a cliche gay disaster? He was pretty sure the only way he could ever have an ounce of cool around a man who looked like that was if he'd been raised with him. Maybe if they had met before puberty made him a bumbling, blushy, catastrophic queer mess. They could have bonded over similar interests or something...art maybe. 

He set the book and the magic escaping coin on his little coffee table and continued digging around for his notebook. A lot of people these days wrote on some device or another but Jongin was a romantic, he would never be able to fully break away from the satisfaction of the perfect black ink pen sliding smoothly over paper...the quiet foom sound of his hand rubbing on the paper as he wrote. Yeah he was a romantic in that regards he could admit that. 

He sat down to do some free association writing...so what if it was heavy handed metaphor about a particularly beautiful tattooed barista, no one was going to see it but him. He had learned years ago that the key to getting past his anxiety when writing was to just write anything. Once he got started ideas would come. 

"Whatcha writin?" Taemin appeared out of nowhere startling Jongin so bad he almost screamed. Without being invited he set the tray laden with food on the table and plopped down beside Jongin. 

Taemin leaned into him to read over his shoulder. Jongin was hyper aware of every place their bodies touched, right elbow, right knee, right leg, right shoulder...he felt so so warm. Jongin could barely think.

"Oh you're a poet? Me Too!" Taemin glittered at him. Jongin knew he was on the verge of utter social humiliation with the object of his warm up poem sitting right there about to read it but Jongin couldn't move, didn't want to move. Something in his gut whispered at him to just let him read it. 

"Hmmm the metaphor is a little standard, but I adore how sincere it is. Honestly so many poets are so busy being pretentious they forget to actually write, right?", He giggled, "hey no need to pout though, your flow is really lovely. I like it. It's very peaceful...and the use of sacred here, like that? It's really powerful." 

Taemin leaned back to look at him more fully, "You're good, I can tell. Though I admit that I am a little disappointed you have a boyfriend. But then of course you do. You're gorgeous, talented...and a level of adorable that should honestly be against the law. Leave a little for us mere mortals you know?" Taemin picked at the receipt in his hand blinking thoughtfully at it, "Anyway, your food sir. We have a lovely comforting tea of my own secret blend, honey of course, this little delicious niblet is blueberry and this one is chocolate...and just to be sure I went with two different chicken formats as well" he smiled again, just as beaming but maybe the tiniest bit unsure. 

Slowly, too slowly, Jongin's brain caught up with the conversation, "AAhhh, I don't have a boyfriend!", had he really almost yelled that? Oh he was going to die of mortification. But since he was already humiliating himself he might as well finish the job.

"My name is Jongin, my friends call me Nini. You can definitely call me Nini", he took a deep steadying breath, "though I would very much like to maybe be more than just friends...if you know" he gestured vaguely. 

It was at that moment that his social anxiety slammed him back into his body with a vengeance. So instead of continuing he froze, watching the series of equally gorgeous emotions broadcast on Taemin's face, he didn't know what came over him, he started to laugh. Not just any laugh, the big loud abrupt laugh, the laugh Baekhyun called his starlet laugh. He could feel himself blushing. Fucking Fuck, why was he such a gay disaster? 

He collapsed into his own lap, eyes closed, still giggling at himself. Oh.my.hell. He decided to stay like that so Taemin could leave with out further embarrassing them both. 

"Is it ok if I put my hand on your back? nothing creepy I promise" Taemin's voice was low and quiet, close to him. Jongin was not quite sure he understood so he just nodded. 

Taemin very slowly moved to rub his back gently, it wasn't really a massage, barely on this side of a tickle really, his hand eventually came to rest on the back of his neck, running his thumb whisper soft along the muscle there. Despite himself, the combination of gentle and firm touches flipped some switch inside Jongin as he visibly relaxed. Taemin didn't move, just the gentle pressure of his hand on the back of Jongin's neck while he talked. 

"My name is Taemin...as I'm sure you've read. My friends... well they call me all sorts of things. You can call me Taeminnie if you want to. You are to sweet to not have a sweet name for me living in your mouth." He smiled at that, and squeezed briefly, just a reassuring little oomph, "I am also a poet, well I found out when I was a little to young that performers have more fun. So that's what I do, but the roots are the same. I'd love to see any of your work if you ever wanted to share. Are you ok now Nini?" 

Jongin nodded wordlessly, he wasn't panicking anymore, he just didn't feel like words...he kinda wanted to lay on Taemin's lap forever on the off chance he would spend it petting him and speaking in that soft, low, sensuous voice. 

Taemin nodded decisively, "Good, good, are you ready for me to get up, or do you need a little longer to get out of that headspace?" 

The idea of Taemin going away seemed heartbreaking to Jongin. He whimpered quietly and wiggled a bit so he could press his forehead to Taemin's knee in some sort of plea. He felt fuzzy around the edges. 

"Ok, tell you what, I'll read a little of your book to you, we will just sit here nice and quiet. You can follow my voice back home when you are ready." 

Taemin pulled the blue book with the little coin balanced on top towards him. He picked each one up and examined them closely. Normally Jongin would probably want to watch that. Intense focus is just sexy. But right now he couldn't quite bring himself to move. 

"Oh look Nini", Taemin wielded the intimacy of his name so casually, "Your coin matches my tattoo. That's cool right?" Taemin leaned forward wrapping his arms around Jongin so he could show him without making him move. Holding the coin next to his tattoo. He was right too, Jongin hadn't been able to figure out what it was before. Now he could clearly see that it was also a rising sun. He didn't know quite how to explain that without making words that just weren't currently available to him really so he very gently bit the thigh he was resting his cheek on. Somehow Taemin understood. 

"It is cool, isn't it? Hmmm this seems a little to much coincidence don't you think? Maybe this is the fates way of telling me I should keep you... would you like that Nini bear? Should I keep you forever?" Taemin was practically whispering, his voice low and even. He had a way of speaking that made Jongin's nerves immediately stop jangling. He wasn't sure he could ever walk away from that feeling of simultaneous calm and heat growing in stomach.

Jongin squeezed his eyes shut, and nodded a tiny cute nod. 

Taemin looked down at him for a minute, as if he was trying to memorize him. His gaze was both gentle and intense, "...I pride myself on being honest you know, it's a thing for me. So as unlikely as this was this morning, I'm glad to hear that. I would love to get to know you too Nini. I'm going to read now ok? I need you to find your words while I'm reading ok? Take your time, you are safe here with me. No one will bother us. I will read and don't worry I am ecstatic to keep my hands on you. Once you are ready for words again, you can tap me on the knee. Then I will ask you how you are feeling to help you with the first sentence. Ok, one last thing, I need you to nod so I know you understand Nini Bear" 

Nini whimpered and buried his face in Taemin's lap. He didn't want to, why couldn't he stay like this forever? It was nice here. Quiet. Safe. 

Taemin growled a little deep in his throat, he curled down into Jongin so he could speak softly but firmly in his ear. His tone was firm, decisive, still infinitely kind. Taemin's fingers were twined into his hair, a firm presence against his scalp, "Now is not the time for this my Baby Bear. I need you to come back to me safely. I promise we can play again another time. I promise you now that I know how responsive you are I can make you feel so treasured and safe somewhere private. You'll like private I promise. Do you understand Jonginnie? 

The change in nicknames seemed to act as intended and helped him shake loose from the lassitude just enough to nod. 

"Good, you're doing so great for me Jonginnie. I am so proud of you",  
He picked up the book again, "Oh I know this book, it's really good. You're going to love it, it's a love story about two boys who grow up to be dancers and magicians or something. I am going to put your receipt in the book. I put my phone number in there. Text me once you feel better... only if you want to of course." He giggled a little nervous giggle for just a second before sliding back into the calm firm persona.

Taemin read to him quietly. Jongin didn't know for sure how long. He did as he had promised though and tried to find his words as Taemin read and played with his hair. The thick pressure in his head was finally lifting. Jongin wished he could still lay here being read to forever. It was kind of perfect. But Taemin was working, he hoped he wouldn't get in trouble for helping him with his panic attack. He tapped Taemin's knee. 

"Ahh there is my beautiful star boy", he sounded so affectionate already it made Jongin's whole body buzz, "How are you feeling Jonginnie?" 

Jongin rolled over to face him, the spell finally but painlessly broken. He laughed ruefully, "I suppose I should be embarrassed" he sighed as he sat up, trying and failing to get his hair under some semblance of control. 

"Oh No Jongin please don't" Taemin reached for him then thought better of it, settling his hand in the small ocean of space between them, "I should have noticed the signs. I just thought you were shy. I would have....well I don't know what I would have done if I'd realized but it would not have been that. It was my mistake. I am so sorry." 

Jongin, now that his head was back together, saw how nervous Taemin was, guilty feeling. He picked up his small hand sitting forlorn between them, and held it firmly in his own. He wasn't the only person who needed comfort in this weird intense moment. 

"You're kind of a perfectionist aren't you Taeminnie?" Jongin asked with a teasing smile. Taemin's head whipped up in surprise. His laugh was abrupt, "it's that obvious huh?" 

Jongin shrugged, suddenly all casual confidence, he felt better than he had in weeks, "I guess I wasn't the only one spilling my secrets all over the place" he winked at Taemin with a chuckle. 

"You should know, so you don't beat yourself up. I am actually incredibly shy...and it's never been like that before... I've never slipped into subspace so easily...and in retrospect I really should have noticed the signs what with how petulant, indecisive, and out of control I was feeling. Regardless, I've never slipped on accident never without someone I knew very well and trusted implicitly intentionally putting me there...so it wasn't...it wasn't just because you were taking charge and taking care of me...it wasn't your fault. It's never happened before but I'm not upset that it did. I'm glad we know now." His smile was tender, delicious, and wicked.

"So I know you have to go back to work now but thank you. Thank you for not just leaving me like that trying to crawl out of a panic attack in public half assed in subspace. I'm not sure what would have happened but it would not have been nearly as nice as laying in the lap of the most beautiful boy in the world while he plays with my hair." He smiled again, a knowing flirty smile. 

"Holy shit" Taemin gasped in pleased surprise, "You're smooth... you're like... really smooth. Wow. Shit. Fuck. Sorry. It's just so different then when you came in" 

"Does it bother you?" Nini bit his lip, suddenly unsure again. Taemin told him that it absolutely did not at all bother him, and Jongin bloomed again, happily, "Good, well...I mean I am a writer. Words are kinda my thing." He smirked that crooked sexy smirk. The one that said he knew exactly how naughty he was being.

"Hey, Taemin ah...thats ok right? I feel like we're a little weirdly past formal now but please say if I am being presumptuous. I mean it...and I mean thank you too.. only you aren't going to get in trouble with your boss are you? I didn't see anyone who looked in charge of this place but I would feel so bad if I got you in trouble." 

Taemin laughed, clear, radiant musical, "No I am not going to get in trouble. No one else appears to be the boss in this place because *I* am the boss in this place. It's entirely my place after all" 

Jongin looked thunderstruck. Taemin couldn't help but laugh. He wasn't the only person who made assumptions about a person with as many tattoos as he had, who carried himself the way he did. Jongin was lucky Taemin was already smitten. It saved him a pissed off lecture about classism and the lie of propriety. He'd save it for another time. 

"I do have to go though. Text me" he smiled one last gorgeous smile before he slid back behind the counter. The other baristas all started giggling and wolf whistling at him. Taemin bowed flamboyant and thankful. Jongin could see his employees loved him and he loved them right back. 

Jongin picked up the book with the receipt inside to put the number in his phone before he could lose it. There was something besides his number written on it, a poem. 

By the Light of the North Star

Born in stardust and Time  
The Moon seeks his Eternal Star  
Though they never speak  
The Star loves the Moon  
The Moon, never one to forget,  
Dances wildly for his Star  
A song.  
Creation  
Their beauty thousandfold  
Legion.  
Eternity  
Infinite

Lee Taemin, hopeful Moon 

Jongin laughed. He wasn't even sure if that was very good or very bad, if he should be impressed or embarrassed for them both. It didn't matter though. He input Taemin's number. 

Taeminnie 

\- who's keeping who now? 

He didn't have to wait long for a response. 

\- I propose a mutual exchange. 

Jongin laughed again. He was definitely glad he got out of the house today.


	2. Chapter 2

It all started after that eventful day, as it does these days, with texting. It turned out that Taemin was a great conversationalist. They had a lot of the same interests and artistic influences, with some notable exceptions. 

They spent a day and a half arguing...well discussing passionately whether lyricists were poets, the artistic value of pop culture, the significance of performance art versus more traditional passive *academic* art forms. 

After a couple weeks, during one of their usual 3 am text sprees Taemin spent 36 minutes frantic spamming him about the importance of so called pop music beyond mainstream youth culture. When Jongin didn't immediately agree Taemin video called to yell at him. Taemin was so incredibly serious. Jongin conceded that his influences were maybe a little heavily skewed towards the academia he was immersed in.

After that they called each other more often. Taemin told him that his friend Kibum was constantly teasing him about their conversations, 'oooh a poetry kink, how novel'. He told Jongin that Kibum had the most powerful side eye in their entire friend group, the effects were devastating. He really wished he could deny the accusation but wasn't sure he truthfully could.

It was not all arguing-ahem-educating-ahem-flirting with each other over their preferred avenues of literary expression. They spent two days just reading each other some of their favorite poets. Nini liked a combination of traditional and modern fairly mainstream poets and a lot of his peers. Taemin's influence was a combination of famous queer poets, musicians, both English and Japanese poets. He insisted that poetry, like music, you didn't necessarily need to "understand" to understand. You could feel it in your bones.

At least once Taemin read Jongin a particularly dirty sweet, smutty queer poem. Jongin blushed the deepest blush of his entire life, the whole time. Taemin felt quite accomplished. It was fun to tease his Nini. Sometimes Jongin would read particularly compelling passages out of the book he found the day they met. Taemin called it their book, even though it was silly it made Jongin feel really warm and happy inside. 

They were getting to know each other in other ways too. Taemin did a lot of performance art in independent galleries and was a drag queen/performer in a semi locally famous performance group that were known for writing and singing their own songs. Taemin talked a lot about deconstructing gender binaries, ensuring a safe inclusive performance, the importance of not gatekeeping community, and his drag family who apparently performed under the name '5SHINee Queens'. They knew and were pretty friendly with Nana, who admittedly Jongin was only really familiar with because the day she started getting cast in mainstream music videos Baekhyun had been super excited and talked to him at length about the cultural impact of inclusion and how important it was for the broader LGBTQIA+ community.

Jongin told him about getting into writing, how he'd always loved art. That he wanted to be a dancer when he was a little kid but all the people had ended up being to much. Taemin was thrilled to hear that he was actually a pretty good dancer still. He was no idol but he could hold his own on a dance floor. Taemin positively purred. Which was... amazing. Taemin was still amazing everyday.

Jongin told him how he'd blown through his University years, the college boyfriend who left him because he thought he was "to weird" and to focused on his work. Taemin scoffed, too focused, as if that could be a thing. Jongin told him that he was now one of the younger tenured professors where he taught classic literature and poetry classes. It was a tremendous amount of pressure and dedication which is how he'd worked himself so ragged the day they met. 

Neither one of them told the other that they had never warmed up to another human being this quickly. They weren't quite ready to face the full weight of how quickly their feelings for each other were growing. 

Taemin called him, at 3:45 am on a Friday night... technically it was Saturday morning now Jongin's brain unhelpfully supplied. They'd been doing this for a while now. On Friday and Saturday nights, when Taemin finally got home from the club and Jongin didn't have to be up at the crack of dawn. Taemin would call Jongin who was definitely asleep but happy to sleepy watch him change and talk about his day. There was something magical about watching the frank way Taemin peeled himself out of his sexy club outfits and drag night ball gowns. 

He was of course gorgeous in leather pants and fishnet, but after he had taken all the sexy accessories away, and was just Taemin in sweatpants and a comfy sweater. When he was sitting on his couch finally getting to eat a proper meal, consuming really impressive amounts of food. While he told Jongin about whatever club gossip, work drama, and drag family updates had occurred that day...he was still every single bit as painfully beautiful. He was still Taemin, both ways...all the ways...and Jongin adored Lee Taemin. 

When his Taeminnie smiled at him through the tiny lens on his cell phone he could feel little pieces of his heart permanently leaving his body and settling into the corners of Taemin's smile, his eyes, the softness of his mouth, twined around every single tattoo. His whole chest felt like it was expanding into infinity with all the intensity of the feelings Taemin was so casually and unknowingly planting there.

They had still not met in person again. It wasn't because they didn't want to, in truth it was because they were both a little nervous. They weren't afraid it would go poorly. In fact after a couple weeks of getting to know each other. After being on the phone with each other literally almost anytime both of them were available, texting as much as possible in the times in between.

After the intensity of their first meeting, the intensity of the gravity between them, how they seemed to just know and understand each others emotional landscapes. It was as if they have always known each other, as if they will always know each other. So they were both painfully and intimately aware that as soon as they met in person it would settle this unnamed connection into something intense, serious, and permanent. It was mind-boggling...so they had been letting it float for awhile, while they talked at every opportunity and pined even more than that because oh how they both wanted so intensely. 

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Taemin asked with a slightly intentional calm. Jongin could tell now when Taemin was actually calm and when he was being calm. Though most people might not see or understand the difference Jongin did now, every single time.

"Hmmm wait, do you mean Saturday or Sunday?" Jongin asked sleepily. It didn't really matter, on the weekend, he graded papers, wrote, and...well he used to brood. Now most of the time he was talking to Taemin instead. Baekhyun told him it was creepy to see him so happy, but then he hugged Jongin and made sure he had condoms...like he was 15 or something. Baekhyun Hyung got his jollies embarassing him clearly. 

"Oh shit, sorry yeah I meant Sunday. We're not performing tomorrow but we still have to make an appearance. It's all a big exhausting popularity contest and there will always be some young hungry baby queen ready to make her bones standing in your blood." Jongin said that was an unnecessarily violent way to put it. Taemin said popularity was an unnecessarily violent game. It was like academic politics with sexy pumps and stage make up. Jongin loathed academic politics. He was terrible at it.

"No I'm not doing anything on Sunday. Grading papers, it's all first year stuff which is both incredibly earnest and incredibly painful...I can do it on Saturday as long as you let me sleep in the morning" Jongin pouts into his yawn. Somehow no matter how hard Nini worked, Taemin got probably half the sleep Jongin did. It worried Nini a little even though he knew he didn't have a right to that...yet. 

"You want to come over? I have this installation piece I'm working on... I'm not entirely pleased with the prose. I'd love to get your opinion on it." 

Jongin laughed, "you could do that over the phone. Are you trying to get me alone Lee Taemin?" 

Taemin blinked at him blankly for a half a second and then giggled a little nervous, "yes absolutely but not for the reason you're thinking. No, that's not entirely true, absolutely for the reason you're thinking...still...primarily I thought after last time it might be a little safer for you if we were alone until we figure how to make sure I don't accidentally drop you into sub space in public...I don't want you to be afraid to be around people with me" his sincerity was radiant even over his dinner.

Nini wiggled closer to his phone and gave him, hopefully, his most powerful, Sir Wreck Me Please, open relaxed expression, the one that always puts a hungry smirk on Taemin's face, "okay..." He cocked his head to the side, he was going for maximum kitten, breathy and wide eyed "...You practiced that in the mirror didn't you?" 

Taemin froze, he dropped his chopsticks and just stared open mouthed. Jongin laughed, "I'm taking that as a yes?" He couldn't stop laughing, Taemin was so cute when he was overwhelmed. 

"Sometimes I forget you get switchy at the weirdest times...that was masterful topping from the bottom though. You should teach a class" Taemin shivered a little as he tried to collect himself. 

Jongin giggled, "Well, I am a professor. It's an important lesson to pass on to these baby gays." He scrunched his nose, wiggling happily, "seriously though Taemin ah I'm not afraid to be in public with you at all. Well no more than I am in general afraid to be around people, but I appreciate you caring about my boundaries. If anything it affirms to me that I can trust you." 

"Now the switchiness... that's just when I feel safe...well kinda in a different way for work, but like this, for you, with you, that's a safety thing...and I'm versatile too you know...flexible in every way you could want me to be." He over enunciated slowly and grinned at him, a crooked, sincere, sexy smirk. 

"I don't even know which part of that to address first. You are so fucking perfect. Damn. Fuck. Ok...can I pick you up or do you want to meet me at the coffee shop?" Taemin cursed effusively and happily. Jongin was pretty sure Taemin was the perfect one but he was happy to take the compliment. 

"Mmmm...you can pick me up. But I warn you, you'll have to meet my roommates. I'm kind of the house baby and they can be protective. Baekhyun Hyung has already threatened to shave my eyebrows in my sleep if I don't." 

Taemin giggled at him, "well we don't want that do we? Should I be worried about meeting your friends. Are they all going to threaten me with physical harm?" 

Jongin thought about it carefully, "Nnnnno I don't think so. It will probably be more like make sure and feed him, he gets pouty. He loves chicken, teddy bears, cuddles, r&b, and he sleeps way to much. Here's my number in case of emergencies. Now don't come back for at least five hours or regret it for the rest of your natural life." 

"That doesn't sound to bad, even if it was going to be bad, I could deal. You should have seen my Hyungs when I started dating. They were so nervous for me. It was sweet though, they were just trying to protect me because they loved me and I know yours are as well. I have nothing but respect for anyone who has the good sense to love you. I could weather that storm as long as I got to see you smile." Taemin turned on that incandescent smile of his. Jongin did his best to not obviously melt 

"Well I didn't just start dating you know...I am an adult too...", Jongin squinted at him teasing, "but I'll admit it's been awhile. Honestly I think Baekhyun Hyung's love language is being a pain in the ass, and Chanyeol Hyung's love language is Baekhyun...so like....it kinda just is what it is" He broke off laughing. 

They spent a while finalizing plans before Taemin declared it well past time for his Nini bear to go back to sleep. He had noticed dawn filtering into Jongin's windows though he himself had extremely effective blackout curtains. 

Jongin lay in his bed for a long time before sleep finally came to him. His mind was filled with images of Lee Taemin, and thrilled curiosity over what their date day may hold. His excitement felt so intense it took physical form under his skin, spikey and seductive...but also sweet and protective, caring, just like Taemin himself. When he did finally give in to sleep, the smile he wore stayed in place all night.

\---------

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It was finally date night and Jongin was one giant exposed nerve. He was at an absolute loss at what one wore to a cozy living room kink negotiation first date with the (probable) love of your life...who also happened to be a semi celebrity in the local drag scene...not that he was getting ahead of himself or anything. 

He didn't know if he should dress up, dress sexy, or dress down? Like what was the protocol here...hmm protocol...

He got out his cellphone to just ask. When in doubt ask your soon to be Dom/love of your life...not that he was getting ahead of himself or anything.

\-------

Pretty Pretty Taeminnie 

-I don't know what to wear tonight. I'm a professor. How do I dress to woo a local drag icon and gorgeous living deity? *Pout*   
.

-It's so cute that you usually write out your emojis 6v6  
.

+I'm a writer. I write things. *pouts harder*   
.

-Ok ok please please stop being so cute. I can't stand it. Wear whatever you want Jonginnie, you don't have to have my approval. I don't even know what I'm going to wear. I have been bouncing between this killer pen stripe suit with all of my rings or just a T-shirt and jeans? I mean honestly usually I'm either not paying attention at all or it's for a performance. This is a unique situation for me too. *Pouts harder harder right back*   
.

\- Hahaha I am such a bad influence. Ok, I'm going for comfortable...mostly. *wink*  
.

\- Wink? Wink what Nini? Nini? How are you, the professor, the evil one in this situation? The world has turned upside down. I suspect I am in so much trouble right now.   
.

\- *wiggle* 

\--------

Jongin giggled, imagining that expression Taemin gets when Nini is forward, or when he flips back and forth in his flirting styles. It was so fun to make his stunning face radiate different emotions... a special kind of poetry all its own. 

He settled on a pair of immaculate black skinny jeans, some fancy but comfortable black dress boots, a basic classy black jacket, and pair of simple but sexy black boxer briefs (just in case). The centerpiece of the outfit was a slightly playful Gucci shirt that was some where between crop top and tee. The hem touched his jeans...barely, but any time he stretched, twisted, or reached his stomach was briefly visible. *All the better to torment you with my dear*

\--------

Pretty Pretty Taeminnie

\- Ok, I'm ready for you to come get me whenever you are *impatient pout* 

\------

It wasn't that much longer until Taemin was on his way

To say that Jongin was floored when he went downstairs to find not just Baekhyun and Chanyeol, but also Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, and Minseok, all trying to pretend to be casual like they just happened to be there when Taemin was coming to get him. 

"What the fuck?" 

At least Minseok and Junmyeon had the decency to look embarrassed at their nosiness. 

"We just wanted to make sure you were...ok... it's been a long time since you have given anyone the time of day Nini, much less this quickly. We're just concerned." Minseok had a way of speaking that always seemed so reasonable and kind. It was hard to stay irritated with him in particular. 

"Ah I'm not a kid" Jongin was trying to not get sulky and undermine his own point... especially right before his big date. He was already so nervous, "You could trust my own judgement." 

"Hey! You're our kid ok? And we're going to worry about you if we want to. It's our responsibility to make sure you are ok. So stop whining and let us fuss just this once." Baekhyun always had a way of getting right to the point. 

This was so embarassing, he was way to old to have #myfivedads hovering over him. But before he could think of an excuse to run them off, the door bell rang. 

"If you scare him off, I will never speak to you again." He hissed at them, giving them one last stern stare before he answered the door. 

Jongin opened the door and forgot to breathe for a second. It was becoming a habit with Taemin around. He was sure he could stare in appreciation forever. Taemin was wearing similar black skinny jeans, a super soft looking drapey warm grey tunic, a chic women's jean jacket, and heavy silver rings that accentuated the tattoos on his hands. He was every bit as stunning as Jongin remembered. 

Taemin gave him the most promising amused smirk, "So can I come in or are you just gonna stand there staring all night?" 

Jongin could feel himself blushing. This was at least as embarassing as the first time a boy picked him up when he still lived with his parents. He stepped aside, it was hard for him to think when he was this anxious. He pretended he didn't hear Baek whisper "oooh he's hot" and the resulting mostly playful scuffle as Chanyeol clutched every single pearl he had ever had.

"Ahh sorry, umm apparently it's been so long since I've done anything but grade papers and complain that half my friends had to come and stare rudely at you. I am so sorry. Rude friends this is Lee Taemin...Uhh this is Baekhyun, his big goofy shadow is Chanyeol. They are basically inseparable. It's cute except when it's annoying. 

This is Kyungsoo, he's...I guess he's kinda my work husband? He teaches acting classes, mostly but for whatever reason they have jammed the lit department and the drama department in the same building....but that is totally not interesting. Junmyeon is like our family Dad? He honestly is one of the kindest people I've ever met. Ahhh ok and lastly is Minseok. He looks innocent doesn't he? Younger than me? He's the oldest here! He's also in my department...and I was about to rattle off all the classes he teaches and I just realized how deeply no one outside of our actual faculty cares about any of that." Jongin was starting to struggle a little, being the one person every one knew was to stressful. He was vaguely aware of Baekhyun yelling at him for being to disrespectful which he guessed was fairly true. He was just so nervous, every thing was pressing on him. He wasn't cut out for all this. 

Taemin looked at him crookedly, feeling his growing distress. He hooked a finger into Jongin's belt loop and gently pulled him closer, close enough that he could slide that hand under his jacket and around his waist so he could press reassuring fingertips into his hip bone. They were close enough Jongin could wrap his arms around Taemin's shoulders and rest his head curled into Taemin's neck. He buried his face in the hollow of his throat smelling the sweet musky scent of him. Taemin kissed the top of his head and hummed softly at him. They almost completely forgot they had an audience. 

Their audience gave each other knowing looks as they saw their best friend who could not stand people, or talking, or new situations at all unless it involved his art, who was probably on the verge of having a panic attack, completely relax into Taemin. As much as they had been teasing their friend, that was all they really needed to know. Jongin clearly trusted him and it was easy to see that Taemin was just as happily emotionally wrecked by Jongin. They stood in the entry way just being close to each other, both obviously completely content. Baekhyun of course was the one to disrupt the sweet scene. 

"Aiii, ok ok get a room all ready, go have fun, we'll start planning the wedding." He yelled mostly playfully at them. 

Jongin barely dislodged himself enough to pout balefully at Baekhyun. But before he could speak up, Taemin tapped Jongin's chest to get his attention, smiled a wild smitten smile at him and lead him out the door without really even saying hello to anyone at all. They didn't disentangle. 

All four men stood quietly in the living room after the door closed absorbing the intensity they'd just witnessed. Chanyeol and Baekhyun immediately returned to their scuffling, "Baek, baby I told you to go easy on him." 

"He was being rude." Baekhyun half yelled in exasperation. 

Everyone in the room scoffed at once, Baekhyun wasn't even sure who he heard say, "You're always rude." 

"I am funny." He said very slowly and carefully. 

Chanyeol pulled him to his chest and swallowed him in a surprisingly gentle hug, "It's ok to be worried about him Baek, we all are." Baekhyun didn't bother to answer, but he didn't move out of Chanyeol's arms either. There was no point in arguing anyway. Chanyeol was his person, he always knew.

Kyungsoo who had barely spoken all night finally nodded in satisfaction, "Well, welcome to the family, Lee Taemin."


	3. Chapter 3

Taemin had come to pick him up on a motorcycle...of course Taemin had come to pick him up on a motorcycle. It was completely on brand. Jongin realized he was about to be draped over Taemin, pressed extremely close while riding a giant fucking vibrator. He was never going to survive this night. 

Taemin, bounced on the balls of his feet, full of knowing mischief, handed Jongin the extra helmet and slung himself over the motorcycle. 

"You've ridden one before?" Taemin asked over his shoulder, with barely contained glee. 

Jongin rolled his eyes affectionately, "I'm not five Taemin ah, yes I have been on a motorcycle before." 

"Mmmm, well then come on big boy, let's go." Taemin winked at him one more time before he slid his helmet on. Jongin could feel his smugness...he wished it wasn't so fucking sexy. It was so fucking sexy.

Jongin put the helmet on, clambered onto the motorcycle behind him and molded himself to Taemin. They fit together perfectly. Nini allowed his body to relax into Taemin, looping his hands around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder. It was a little awkward with the bulky helmets but being this close to him was heavenly. 

The motorcycle rumbled to life, shaking him to his bones in the best possible way. He couldn't help pulling himself closer to Taemin as the motorcycle surged forward, slicing through the night air. Everything felt heavy with importance. He never wanted this night to end. 

\---

The ride was over all too soon in Jongin's opinion. He had already been lulled into a warm hazy relaxed puddle. Taemin parked and pulled him in his warm fuzzy state, into his place. The living room was pretty much what he had initially expected but not the room he'd seen in their many video chats. This room was very...loud. There were pop art prints, band posters, queer celebrity's posters, and performance flyers on all of the walls. There were several extremely artsy bedazzled mannequins wearing flashy slinky dresses and go go dancing club outfits standing on a plush red shag carpet. The furniture was all extremely vibrant and didn't match at all but somehow it all tied together. It looked very stylish. Where would he even get bright red shag carpet? It was overwhelming but impressive. 

Taemin didn't even slow down in this loud loud room pulling him through a swinging door into a spacious, quiet studio, Jongin was glad. This was more comfortable for him than all the chaos. 

The room seemed to serve several creative purposes from practices, dressing and make up spaces, to some large multimedia art pieces. There was even a rumpled twin sized bed in the corner. Taemin saw him looking, smiled, the barest teasing in the depths of his beautiful eyes, "Don't worry, this isn't my bedroom...this isn't even exactly my apartment properly. It's studio space for whoever needs it. But Onew and JJong insisted on the bed a couple years ago because I kept falling asleep in here while I was working. I guess they found me crashed out in a shopping cart- don't look at me like that, it was for a project- anyway they found me asleep in there and I maybe pinched a nerve a little so they insisted on the bed...I guess I get a little hyperfocused on my work sometimes...all the time, whatever. Come on, I'll show you around." 

He tossed his jacket on a make-up table and continued further into the house, pulling Jongin along in his wake. The proper apartment he recognized, these were the spaces Taemin had been in when they talked in the wee hours of the morning. The apartment was simple and quiet. He liked it a lot. Somehow the whole place perfectly suited Taemin...all the different brilliant aspects of Lee Taemin. He wanted to memorize it...memorize him. 

"Sit down, I'll make you some tea. Are you hungry? I don't really keep much here, but I brought some stuff up from the shop for you." 

Jongin laid his head on his arms on the table quietly watching Taemin keep busy making tea. They were surprisingly comfortable with each other given the circumstances but there was still a nervous energy in the air. Jongin slowly pushed himself noisily across the table so he could look up at Taemin without having to actually get up. 

"Taemin ah?" he asked quietly all big kitten eyes, "You're nervous too aren't you?", His expression turned mischievous. He smirked, satisfied. 

Taemin stopped what he was doing immediately, leaned against the counter top as he thought carefully about his answer, "Yeah of course I'm nervous. I've never had anything like that happen accidentally either... I've never had such good... emotional chemistry with someone...even right now...I usually don't actually ever talk about my feelings. My SHINee family actually complain about it alot, that I'm to closed off and always present this perfect image."

"It's not that I'm trying to be perfect as such...well maybe I am a little bit but not for the sake of being perfect. It just never feels like enough, everyone always wants more and more from me, of me. They leave me very little space for Lee Taemin the human being...so it's...I'm...the people who think they love me don't know me. They don't want to know me. They are in love with my drag persona, or my performance persona, or my club persona. But me? If they knew me? They wouldn't be interested in what I have to offer... especially in the very little time I have to offer it. But here I am sitting with you whom I only just met talking about things that make me feel incredibly vulnerable like it's something I do all the time. The truth is I've never done that. Literally never outside of my drag family and I don't even feel that weird about it. It's more that it feels weird for it to not be weird." 

He chuckled a little shrugged and turned around to finish their tea and sweets. After a minute of comfortable silence, he peered over his shoulder at Nini who was still sprawled over the table, looking absolutely decadent, "What about you?" 

Jongin pushed himself up onto his elbows, "Oh I talk about my feelings non-stop. You won't be able to get me to shut up about them. Feelings feelings feelings." 

Taemin turned around with everything done, bringing it all to the table, "That's not what I meant...and I think you knew that" he smirked playfully and bumped Nini's shoulder. Jongin sighed and answered the question he'd actually asked.

"Yeah I'm nervous, but also not... it's like being about to sky dive for the first time. You know that you know what to do, you know it's safe, you know it's going to be so fucking brilliant an experience, but still while you're standing in the plane staring out into that great white abyss of clouds it feels overwhelming and scary, so much could go wrong. I can stay here in fear or I can jump and learn what flying feels like...I guess I already decided to fly." His grin was shy but pleased. He took a cup and an assortment of sweets to nibble on.

Taemin was radiant, "I knew you were a great writer. That's an effective analogy. Ok, so that brings us to the primary problem on the table tonight. Because as sexy and sweet as it is for you to slide into subspace every time I touch you... don't think I didn't notice how woozy you were when we got here, I did... it's not conducive to a real relationship... and...I think that we are both on the same page there...that this is very real already somehow." Taemin smiled at him wide and charismatic to cover how vulnerable that made him feel. Nini could always tell now. 

It was sweet that Taemin, the bad boy here supposedly, wanted...no needed reassurance about their emotional investment being the same. He can't imagine not wanting to make Taemin happy in every way, "Yes very real. I don't get how it happened either specifically. I'm usually team avoid people forever. It's taken guys months to get me comfortable enough to speak to them, nevermind sex or kink. But I don't want to avoid you at all. Honestly from the moment I saw you all I've been able to think about is how much I wanted to know you better, longer, more intimately" Nini reached across the table to pull Taemin closer to him. 

Nini kissed Taemin's knuckles in a reassuring succession as he spoke, "The slipping? Ahhh yeah I don't know, I feel so drawn to you and so safe when you touch me, with the euphoria it's just happening. I think it would naturally run its course as I got used to being able to be close to you...but...umm ha! This is both really awkward and funnily not at all but, if you really want to make sure I don't curl up at your feet like a kitten every time you touch me...you could put me in proper headspace and just tell me I'm not allowed to slip when we are in public...or whatever circumstances you want. If you tell me it's a rule, I'll follow it." Nini shrugged, he was really only a little embarrassed. This was who he was, and he wasn't afraid to show Taemin. 

"Ok, fair enough. You can't do it for yourself?" Taemin asked as he ate. He didn't sound judgemental, just curious.

"It's not that I couldn't so much as it just doesn't occur to me. With you it's different. Historically, submission...the headspace... though it's something I obviously need sometimes...it feels like a storm swallowing me. It's not violent but it's abrupt and...whooshy...with you, it's like falling asleep in the grass on a cloudy day, then waking up to the sun warming my skin. You're the sun in this scenario just in case that wasn't clear...which is to say I don't notice. I'm just relaxed and then ope there it is, to late. But if you told me to remember when I have this feeling in public, I can't slip... I'll just remember." He popped the last of his sweet in his mouth. 

"As far as the rest, I don't have to bottom in subspace... I'm pretty open to whatever...or specifically since we are being excruciatingly honest, it's... if you're happy then I'm happy. I can be dominant too...or you know vanilla. I forgot that even existed for a minute." Nini laughed, "I don't typically prefer being dominant, mostly because of my anxiety...but I can. It's not that much different. More smirky I guess, very care giving focused. I also don't have to top when I am being dominant. Like I said... I'm flexible." He winked at Taemin, giving his best promising sexy smirk. 

Taemin just appreciated for a minute, "You are incredible, Jongin ah, seriously." His smile was as usual effervescent, "Sorta similar for me I guess. I have only been dominant since I was...well probably to young. But I don't think that will matter with you honestly. It's always been a matter of trust, or lack of. I'm sure you can tell I'm pretty dominant by nature...and probably a little too emotionally guarded. occasionally I have... usually in emotional crisis...well I never have, but I've wished in the past that I trusted someone enough...and so I imagine that will come up eventually. Outside of actual power dynamics, I am also... how did you put it? Good with whatever? ...Oh! Ahh safe words. I know it's cliche, but red/yellow/green works fine for me. It's easy to remember and almost everyone knows it. A tap like before if anyone can't talk...oh oh and I've seen you eyeballing so I'm just going to say you can bite me as hard as you want, wherever you want. I strongly encourage you to put your mouth on me any way you see fit" It was Taemin's turn to smirk knowingly while Jongin tried to remember how to breathe.

"Wait... earlier did you say something about curling up at my feet like a kitten???" Taemin had aimed for teasing. He was a little surprised and a lot delighted when Nini melted fluidly out of his chair and settled at Taemin's feet, resting his head on his thigh. He looked up at Taemin radiating chaotic happy energy, "I did say that", he said in a far off voice, practically purring as Taemin ran fingers through his hair. 

"Taeminnie, you should know, like before, a lot of the time in subspace I can't talk but I understand, my thinking can be different, needy. But I understand...and sometimes when I am really tired or emotional it can be difficult for me to talk regardless of subspace. I am responsive like that, but trying to force it can give me pretty severe panic attacks. If you are patient and calm it resolves on its own. I don't think it will be an issue since you instinctually knew how to handle it before but it needed said explicitly just in case", Usually it embarassed Jongin to varying degrees to give the obligatory, it's nothing personal but sometimes my mouth won't make words speech. But Taemin had already seen him with no words, and here he was right with him, playing with his hair. Taemin felt so much like home already. Jongin knew he was so committed to this, to him. He wanted Taemin to know all of him.

Nini looked up at Taemin with a growing amused mischievous smirk, "oh...hummm. Do you want to know a secret Taeminnie? One that even my roommates don't know?" Minnie nodded. Nini ran fingers slowly along Taemin's thigh, he stopped at the soft slope of his thigh and quirked an eyebrow at him. Taemin nodded again, maybe a little more vehemently. Nini nuzzled, teasing with the warmth of his breath and the proximity of his mouth. Then he found what he had been looking for, the spot that made Taemin growl deep in his throat. Jongin smirked up at him through his eyelashes mouthing then biting just enough to make Taemin gasp and squirm a little. He paused in his attentions, "You know who Kai is." It wasn't a question, it was a statement of fact, 

Taemin just looked confused, "The mystery man of modern queer smutty poetry and emotionally resonant accurate queer romance? The one who is completely mysterious, gifted, and impossible to track down? yeah of course I do, I've tried to collab with him but couldn't find even a contact email. Nothing. I read you one of his poems, what about him?" 

Nini giggled, biting the material of Taemin's jeans, shaking his head a little playfully as he smirked, "Well that collaboration miiight be possible now....Hi", he said it with heavy amused importance that set off some sort of distant memory for Taemin. For some reason it took him a minute to make the connection between this adorable poetry professor and the extremely successful queer pornographic romance author and poet. Jongin loved watching his beautiful Taeminnie think, this dawning realization was particularly delicious. 

"What?!?, No shit? No shit??? And here I thought I was the famous one. Hmm dammit, I knew I recognized your prose style. I honestly thought I'd just run across some of your published work somewhere. Hahaha I mean I guess I did at that...wait I read you your own sex poem. Oh my fuck. That's why you were blushing so hard?" Taemin looked at him incredulous, his smile growing more and more radiant, "So what you are saying is that I have The Kai at my mercy huh? Fuck, I honestly didn't think you could get any hotter. Fuck. You are so beautiful in every way. May I touch you now Kai? Nini?" 

Jongin laughed, "You reading me my own poetry smut was really hot. I might have a new kink. But Mmm consent was implied when I crawled into your lap and bit your thigh I would think...you can use whatever name seems most suitable in the moment. I don't mind. I like it when you call me Nini though" he looked up at Taemin through his eye lashes, pretty and bashful as if to illustrate his point.

Taemin booped him on the nose, "Don't be a brat Nini, you know why I asked for consent. This is so new, you are to important for me to mess up. I never want to hurt you. Speaking of which...", Taemin cupped Jongin's head with both hands at the nape of his neck. He hooked his thumbs gently but firmly under his Nini bear's chin to push his head back and slightly up. It left his beautiful throat exposed, back arched. He was kneeling now rather than sitting. He tapped Nini's temple, "This is important Nini Bear. You can always say no to me ok? No matter how deep you are, or I am. I would never want to hurt you. consent is essential...for both of us. Did you hear me?" 

Nini opened his eyes and licked his lips, looking up into Taemin's eyes. "Hmmm" he hummed agreement. Taemin's voice was firm, "I need you to say Nini, I need to know you are still with me enough to give proper consent." 

Nini didn't move from his half perched kneel but brought a hand to the base of Taemin's neck, returning the control, let his eyes focus again, making that infinite spiritual eye contact with him, "I am still here and able to give consent. I understand that I can always say no. I understand that there is an implied obligation to say no when I need to so you can also trust in this. I understand that micromanaging someone else's lack of boundaries is not fun or sexy, that people who want that total lack of boundaries can be dangerous. I also understand that it is just as important for you to give consent, to be able to withdraw consent whenever you might need, so that we can both be here safely together, taking care of each other in the ways we need, when we need. So Taemin, My Moonbeam, do you consent? Do you understand that you also have an obligation to me to hold your own boundaries and love yourself as much and as freely as I do if you are able? Speak up Taeminnie." His grin was wicked, teasing, affectionate.

Taemin looked down at this man who embodied so many things he never knew he needed, who seemed to just understand him, who could surprise him so easily when he had always felt so jaded to the rest of the world. When most people found him at best mysterious, to much, to intense, to catty, to ambitious, to driven. 

He thought the skydiving metaphor was particularly apt, he already felt like he was falling into the infinity of Jongin's eyes. "Yes, I understand" he breathed holding the moment so he would always remember. He stuck a thumb in the corner of Jongin's mouth, who opened up so easily for him, waiting. Taemin bit Jongin's bottom lip sooo slowly, feeling the way his body responded to the sensation. Nini gasped, a tiny whimper, ahh that was the sweet spot then. With that he pulled his Nini into a deep, delicious kiss. 

\---- 

Jongin waited patiently kneeling prettily at Taemin's feet. Distantly he knew that he had enough headspace right now to sit quietly very easily as long as his Minnie was there and wanted that. Taemin was obviously still quite...strung tight. It was understandable, for Taemin this was the first truly emotionally vulnerable moment. It was good they'd talked...but also having talked there was no pretending this was casual between them. It was very not casual... which was other worldly astonishing...and a little scary. But Nini had it easy this time, he got to float along happily and just be good for his Taeminnie. He wanted that very badly, to be good. He whimpered a little in concern and desire. 

That seemed to galvanize his beautiful Taeminnie, he bit Nini's bottom lip, testing his pain tolerance and preferences. Good. Good. Taemin cared so much. It made Nini feel so safe, so beloved. Then Taeminnie pulled him into a sweet delicious kiss. Jongin had ideas about this. He nipped Taemin right back, capturing his beautiful, sweet bottom lip gently enough between his teeth. He leaned back slowly, going practically boneless, dropping down to the ground with Taemin's lip still his willing hostage. Taemin was forced to follow him to the ground or fight him. He had just needed a little help to get down here with Nini...he wanted Taeminnie here with him forever. 

Taemin followed him down to the ground nestling himself between Jongin's thighs, propped up on his elbows. Nini was very proud of himself for getting Taemin there. He smirked happily, writhing a bit in wordless excitement. Taemin laughed equally happy.

"You're really proud of yourself aren't you Nini Bear? You're right beautiful. You did great. That was pretty smart. I think I'd follow you anywhere even without the teeth. Hmmm what should I do with you though hmm? I could leave you here?" 

Nini pouted hiding his face in his Taeminnie's neck. Taemin laughed again, slid both hands under the cute crop top, hands roaming. He pulled Nini up by his collar, tapped his achingly beautiful cheekbone, "Ok ok, Look Nini Bear we talked about this love. When we are in public I need you to stay with me. No slipping ok? When you start feeling all fuzzy wuzzy you just stay with me" 

Nini sulked, eyes big and luminous with sadness. 

"No you didn't do anything wrong precious precious Nini. If you stay with me we can do fun things like hold hands, get ice cream, read each other poems...I could read you Kai poems and then bring you home, tie you to my bed and reward you for being such a very good bear" 

Nini brightened at that, nipping happily at whatever bare skin was available to him. Nini Bear was definitely a biter, like every other thing about him it managed to be endearing, cute, and sexy. The Kim Jongin triple threat. Taemin laughed again, "You like that idea huh? So can you be good for me and save this just for me?" Jongin stilled, taking the question seriously he nodded earnest and relaxed, smiling effervescent. 

Taemin sat up some, kneeling between Jongin's long beautiful legs, running his fingers just barely under the waistband of his sexy black jeans, "You can't talk right now or you just don't want to?" Taemin punctuated his question by tugging roughly on the waistband of Jongin's jeans, jostling him just a little, putting pressure in all the right places. Nini closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Taemin over him but pouting slightly at the question. 

"Can't...ok..." Taemin went back to touching while he talked, "I know it's not fair to do this when you can't really respond. I guess I'm kinda a coward about emotions....sorry" Taemin had closed his eyes as he spoke, he didn't see Jongin watching him with concern. 

Taemin took a deep breath, "I guess there is a way people do this, rules. I've never been good with rules though...and I feel like I can't play the game with you even if I wanted to...I don't mean to scare you and I understand if this is a deal breaker but...I...I...I had a dream that I was the moon and you were the North Star, like the book. We've been reading that, it's sappy it made sense. Then we were two suns born into infinity together, bound together for eternity. Binary Stars I think. We were glowing brighter and brighter until our radiance eclipsed each other, fused into this blinding wholesome light....what I mean is I think I'm in love you Jongin ah and I don't know how or why and I'm sorry because wow I am usually all cool and distant and do what you want, but this...you scare me...and also don't at all...and I love you...and I don't think I could bear it if I lost you and I just...I just want to be honest with you about where I am at."

Taemin opened his eyes to see Jongin watching him concerned. When Nini saw the conflicted emotions in his eyes, the fear and struggle he was having with letting someone in his guard, he surged up, wrapped him up in a deep hug. When Taemin stayed pretty non reactive, Jongin made a decision, readjusted, and picked him up. 

"Where is your bedroom Minnie?" Taemin pointed but buried his face in Jongin's t-shirt, letting himself be carried to bed. Jongin laid him down gently, brushing his hair out of his eyes and wiping away the tear that he would undoubtedly deny later 

Taemin squinted at Jongin pouting, "You said you couldn't talk...now you're talking...." 

"Our situation changed that's all, you needed help....like I said it comes from about the same place for me. It's more about trust and connection, helping someone I care about feel safe and beloved. There are a lot of ways to do that you know. Right now, you need this more than that. The transition is a little weird I guess. But I'll be ok. I'm more worried about you right now, and you won't deter me on that" Jongin sighed carding fingers through Taemin's disheveled hair.

"Taeminnie, I thought it was stunningly obvious, I've never been good at hiding my feelings and I haven't been trying to with you at all but to be extremely explicitly clear. I love you too. I don't know why either, just that I do. I feel, like I always have honestly. You aren't the only one out on a limb here. You aren't alone. You won't ever have to do this alone again... probably even when you'd rather. I hear, I'm pretty clingy." Nini brushed comforting touches into his skin wherever he could.

"Is it ok if I take your shirt off? I'm not trying to force anything or be gross, I promise. I just want to be able to touch you, keep you close... maybe if you can feel my heart it will be a little less scary for you, yeah?" Jongin peeled his own top off and getting permission pulled Taemin into his lap, onto his chest. 

Taemin punched him in the shoulder, "why are you so calm about all of this?" He snuffled a little as he asked, pouting. 

Nini looked at him, genuinely surprised, "I'm not? I wasn't? Baby, I had this moment within five minutes of meeting you in a fucking coffee shop. Remember how much I was texting you? Not relaxed about it at all. I literally texted you the second you gave me your number. I've just been in a position to acclimate to the idea and you've been in the position to be in denial about it...I guess we're even now." He chuckled a little kissing Taemin's perfect soft cheek, his temple, his shoulder, anywhere he could reach. 

Taemin groaned in exasperation, "auuugh feelings are so ridiculous and useless...I ruined the whole night with my feeeeeeeeeeeelings.", he flailed in Jongin's grip, still pouting. 

Jongin laughed then, "Really? You think you ruined it because you had a feeling? Minnie, I told you I am 200% feelings, I meant it. You haven't ruined anything. We do not have to do anything. I am happy to hold you, lay with you, talk to you till dawn, whatever will make you feel safe and loved in this moment ...but Taemin ah, If you still want sex, if you're ok enough, I am extremely extremely willing." He smirked at him and bit Taemin's perfect cheek gently.... he'd wanted to bite that perfect face since he'd met him honestly. When he finally let go, Taemin blinked at him, still languid and sniffling. He reached out and touched Jongin's face, "You really are perfect for me I think." 

Jongin laughed, "You won't be so amazed when I'm full force whiney because I'm hungry and something mildly disappointing happened." 

Taemin hummed, "I don't know, I've seen that, It was pretty cute." He smiled at Nini remembering the weird way they met. He cupped Jongin's face in his hands, watching the concern in his eyes, "Fuck this, Nini...I just need, I know our plans were different, but would, can you...can you please just kiss me? Fucking wreck me already pleeeese. I need to feel you. I need to be yours, please. Please." 

Jongin smirked at him, squinting, "I feel like you don't beg very often" 

"I have never begged in my gawddamn life, and if so help me, you do not fuck me right the fuck now, I am going to eat your motherfucking eyeballs." Taemin fumed in his lap. 

"You look like an angry cat, it's very cute. Do you feel better now?" 

"Fuck you are insufferable, yes actually but please Jongin ah, I just..." He trailed off, flailing a little in his loss for words. 

"It's ok, Taeminnie, I've got you now. It'll be ok baby. Being in love is not so bad. There are advantages...you get me." He winked at him and before Taemin could start complaining again, pulled him into a deep soothing kiss. 

Jongin pulled Taemin forward by his wrists and spun him around again so he could lay him out and attend to him with the intensity he obviously needed in that moment. 

He straddled Taemin who had mostly stopped sniffling to watch him intently. Jongin kissed Taemin's palm, then bit the flat muscle of that palm, watching his reactions, just before Taemin tried to pull away, he let go. "I love you Taeminnie" 

He kissed the inside of his wrist where he could feel his heart pounding, then bit the tender skin there, no rush, a slow even pressure. He watched Taemin's face, his breathing, when he tensed up the tiniest bit undernesth him, he let go again, repeating. "I love you Taemin ah" 

He kissed his inner elbow, then bit the soft slope of muscle and sweet soft skin, gentle at first, slow decadent bites until Taemin gasped, then he let go repeating, "I love you Baby". In this way he worked his way down Taemin's arm, learning more about what his precious Taeminnie wanted and needed as he went. He took his time, relished every kiss, every nibble, and especially every devotion. 

Eventually Jongin worked all the way to Taemin's upper body. He covered every inch of him in sweet kisses, delectable stinging bites, and utterly sincere love declarations. Slowly Taemin's sad sniffles became fewer and further between and then blissfully stopped all together. Raspy breaths turned to gasps, Which turned to whimpered moans, and cursing. Taemin writhed and thrashed, increasingly hungry, desperate. The declarations, promises, and pleading was like music to Nini's ears. It hurt his heart to hear Taemin so sad and afraid. More than anything he wanted to show his Minnie how important he was already, so that he too could feel as safe as Jongin did. 

Occasionally Taemin, becoming impatient, would try to to rush Nini, arcing up and trying briefly to wriggle away. Jongin would only press him deeper into the mattress and whisper into his ear "Be still Taeminnie, it'll be worth it. Let me show you how much I love you." 

Lee Taemin didn't wait...but maybe for Kim Jongin he could wait. He needed to feel all that love, making his whole body burn. 

Soon enough he was reduced to a stream of passionate cursing, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, Nini, baby please. Fuck please. I need. Please. Fuck." 

He didn't feel afraid anymore. 

He could believe in this love, that set his world on fire. 

In his veins, stars burned, incandescent.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing that Taemin noticed when he woke up still foggy, was that something was tickling his face. He flopped at it, still half asleep. It crinkled at him. His face was definitely not supposed to crinkle, he wasn't that out of it. He patted around his face, haphazard noodle muscles that did not cooperate meant it took longer than he really felt it should. Finally he divested his forehead of two purple post it notes. He peered at them in bleary confusion. 

The first one said:

'It's Monday. I had to work very early. We had an intense night, I couldn't bring myself to wake you. You looked so peaceful. You are beautiful. I already miss you and I haven't even left yet. Text me when you wake up. I love you. -Your Nini Bear' 

The second one read: 

'Emergency back up just in case:

It's Monday. I had to work very early. We had an intense night, I couldn't bring myself to wake you. You looked so peaceful. You are beautiful. I already miss you and I haven't even left yet. Text me when you wake up. I love you. -Your Nini Bear' 

Taemin stared at the notes while he tried to get his brain to cooperate. He was glad Jongin left them as silly and over the top as they were, he probably would have freaked out if he woke up with Nini gone after that emotional outburst. Fucking crying. He was so fucked...for some reason it didn't feel nearly as bad as he thought it would. 

He sat up still feeling blurry. He needed thirty fucking gallons of coffee. At the foot of the bed there were a whole row of blue post it notes. They all said, 'Bedside Table Please'. As if he would not have thought to look at his own bedside table. This mother fucker sticking post it notes to quilts and his face like that was a reasonable fucking thing to do. 

He looked at his bedside table. around his phone was a heart made out of pink mother fucking post it notes. They each say, "No playing it cool. Text me...Please. But like do it now. Text me. Text me Taeminnie" 

What the fuck? ... actually what the fuck was wrong with his face? Why was he smiling so hard? Oh fucking hell. This man was so sappy, and he loved every absurd over the top moment of it. His heart was so unbelievably happy. He thrashed around in the bed for a minute, yelling in embarassment. 

"Gawwddd Dammit Kim Jongin, you have fucking ruined me!" He was alone but still blushing because oh my fuck he has never felt this ridiculous and floaty at all, much less over a maan. What the fuck had become of him? 

He picked up his phone from it's ridiculous adorable heart shaped bed. He took a picture of each batch of post it notes and sent the pictures to Nini. 

\---------

My Nini Bear

Pic of two purple post its, caption: what the fuck? 

Pic of whole row of blue post it notes stuck to a quilt as if that is just what we fucking do: what the fuck?? 

Pic of painfully cute ridiculous pink post it note heart- what the fuck??? 

\-------

He lay back down on the bed with a dramatic sigh. His face was still betraying him with the giantness of his smile. He was so fucked... literally and figuratively. He burst out laughing. Oh gawdsss. 

Jongin still hadn't texted back. He was probably teaching...or whatever professors do when they are professoring. He imagined Jongin in his skinny jeans and Gucci crop top teaching poetry to bored horny 20 year olds. The idea was both sexy and... something. He probably didn't teach like that though right? He probably had on khaki slacks and a comfy sweater... somehow that was just as sexy. Jongin in glasses with sweater paws and a blush...he was just to precious beautiful. okay he needed to not be daydreaming right now. Coffee. He needed fucking coffee right fucking now. 

He stumbled towards the kitchen and opened up his text app while he tried to pretend he was not waiting for Jongin to respond.

\--------

JJong <3 The Hyung I Deserve <3

Pic of two purple post its, caption: what the fuck? 

Pic of a whole row of blue post it notes stuck to a quilt as if that is just what we fucking do: what the fuck?? 

Pic of painfully cute ridiculous pink post it note heart- what the fuck???

Hyung, what the fuck have I done?   
.

Oh Taeminnie, my sweet baby child. You are in love. Don't fuck it up kid. 

But he better not fuck it up either. I'm not sure if any of us could survive a Taemin scorned.   
. 

Thanks a lot :(   
. 

Oh kiddo I know you're feeling vulnerable right now. Would you rather I coddle widdle biddle baby?   
. 

Fuck no.   
. 

Ok so give me some credit kid. I love you. He obviously loves you. Let yourself enjoy this. It is really ok to just relax and enjoy all those squishy feelings.   
. 

But what if it doesn't work out?   
. 

It might not, that happens but even if it ends, nothing will negate the love you have now. That won't be erased you know? Enjoy yourself kiddo. It's ok. I promise. It's going to be ok. 

And honestly someone who already understands you enough to know that you would need that, even if you pretend to hate it, and to execute it, take the time...and the post it notes. Ha! The post it notes! But seriously, I have a pretty good feeling about him...and you know I wouldn't lie to you. I love you kiddo. 5Shinee loves you. He obviously loves you. Chill the fuck out.   
. 

I am a lot of things Hyung...but like casual and relaxed has never really been one of them.   
. 

Well damn, work on it then. Do some of Kibum's breathing and meditation exercises.   
. 

I would rather eat my own hand  
. 

Well then I guess you're just fucking ruined and hopeless.   
. 

Waahhhhh. You have no empathy for my situation.

Oh shit he texted me. I have to go.   
. 

I love you so much kid and you know it. You're just scared and cranky...and probably uncaffinated. Take care of yourself, let him take care of you. Breathe. 

Dammit Taemin don't leave me on read. 

Ok fine, leave me on read ungreateful child, but I still love youuuuiuuuuuuu

\---------

My Nini Bear

How are you feeling Taeminnie?   
.

About the post it notes Nini?   
. 

Oh, yes? Ahh you haven't found all of them yet *wink*   
. 

Am I in the twilight zone right now? Why all the post it notes?   
. 

Because I hated seeing you upset, it made my insides feel like lava. I hate it. After the intensity of last night, I didn't want you to wake up alone and think I'd run out on you. Not even for the time it would take to check for a text. 

If you are in the twilight zone it's my cuddle zone and it's the nicest zone  
. 

How are you even a real person? You are so cute, and precious, and smart, and genuinely gifted, and kind, and like...also able to hold your own in the evil teasing troll department, and I just don't understand. What the fuck? 

Also now that I think about it where did you get all the post it notes?   
. 

I'm a professor, it comes with the job. I just like the rainbow ones.   
. 

Fuck. You were right. I would have freaked out. Thank you. Really. I still have this ridiculous smile on my face. 

But hey, how are you holding up today?   
. 

I'm very tired, very happy, and probably only 42% sullen. Are you standing in the hallway texting, go get coffee already.

And food. Don't forget food.  
. 

Why are you sullen? 

Wait how did you know I was standing in the hallway? Are you psychic????  
. 

Well college professors... They are...it's just a lot of polite fake peopling. I'd rather be curled up in your lap. 

No I'm not psychic. You're ridiculous. You always do that, every morning. 

And you say fuck like every other word until the coffee kicks in  
. 

Yes please. Let's do that lap thing. Come over after your classes? 

I absolutely do fucking not fucking cuss a fucking lot before fucking coffee. 

Ok maybe I fucking do. Fuck you very much for fucking saying. 

Ugh I miss you too. It's the rudest fucking feeling on earth  
. 

*Whines* can I leave all the children to teach themselves and come now?  
. 

Probably fucking not unfortunately.   
. 

I guess I will have to take comfort in soon. In the meantime go get yourself some coffee already. I know you need it.   
. 

Fineeeee *pouts* 

Ok come as soon as you can 

\--------- 

Taemin sat and looked at his last text in bemusement. Oh well. Apparently he was that guy now. 

He finally stumbled into the kitchen. 

The far wall had a huge, huge 6v6 made out of rainbow post it notes. Around the 6v6 was an even larger pink post it note heart. It took up the whole wall. Taemin was shocked at first, not bad shocked, just baffled, floored, in wonderment. He laughed and laughed and couldn't stop. This man was such a gift. He couldn't even believe how perfectly lovely Kim Jongin was. He took a picture, he was keeping that ridiculous bullshit forever.

\------- 

My Nini Bear 

I think I found the rest 6v6 <3 

I love you so much. I don't even understand but I'm happy. Please come snuggle me as soon as you can. Apparently you are not the only one who is clingy. 

\----------

JJong <3 The Hyung I Deserve <3

Pic of a huge 6v6 made out of rainbow post it notes surrounded by an even larger pink post it note heart taking up the entire wall. 

Oh shit, Jonghyun. This feels to good. I am scared out of my gawddamn mind. Please say the nice things again so I don't fuck this up.

\----------

It was 2:43 pm, Taemin had eaten, imbibed a pot of the blessed coffee, was thinking the word fuck at least 32% less, and definitely wasn't waiting for Jongin. It just so happened that not waiting for Jongin was incredibly hard work and he was tired. That was all...Gawds being in love made him itchy. 

Nini was on his way, the door was unlocked so he could just come in, he would most likely survive that long. This weird low grade torment would end soon. In the meantime he was just going to lay there in a sprawl and not move an inch until those foolish feelings went away...or Jongin got there, you know whichever came first. He was fine. It was definitely fine because Nini would be home soon...home? Home? Like his home? Maybe they could have a home together sometime though. Fuck, he was so not fine. 

It was possible he napped a little while he waited, he wasn't entirely sure. The next thing he knew, there was a Nini sprawled half on top of him. 

"Nnngggg, are you awake Taemin ah?", Nini seemed to be trying to burrow into him, getting as much contact as he could manage. 

"Mmm I'm not sure if I was, but I am now. Are you ok?" Taemin loved being so surrounded by this man. He already felt better. He was genuinely so fucked. It made him a little giddy. His heart was doing entire gymnastics routines. Absurd. 

"No, I'm just so tired and some of the professors.... I'm younger than them so it's a whole lot of polite listening and today I just didn't have the bandwidth. It was just...Argh...and apparently I had a walk of shame vibe this morning. My students could just sense something was up and were trying to drag information out of me all day. It's not like I can tell a class room of my actual students that I was up all night having beautiful, kinky, glorious sex. Yeah sorry I'm out of it kiddos I was up all night making my super fucking sexy, singing, poet, drag queen boyfriend cum so hard he forgot to be afraid of his feelings, and frankly I'm a little achey...you are my boyfriend right?" Nini paused in his vent to ask. He tried to hide his worry pout. Sadly for him his plan failed miserably. Taemin melted internally at Nini's softest luminescent worried face. 

"Fuck yes, no way I'm letting anyone else claim you. No way. Mine. Mine. Mine. *Cough* I mean unless you're polyamorous or something which would be fine of course-" 

"Taemi baby relax it's ok. I'm not. I have friends who are. I can see it works really great for them. But it's not for me, I get to wrapped up and am...to single minded I guess...what about you?" 

"Holy shit. I honestly have no idea. I've never been in a serious enough relationship for it to come up. I... don't... love...the...idea....of-you-being-with-other-people but...I mean, I barely have the emotional space for one person much less more so I'm thinking it doesn't really matter. Because you're the only person I have romantic time and space for in my life, and even if I did have more...I think I would just want to give that more to you. People... people make you nervous in a way that makes you not want to talk to them...I guess what I mean is I understand, not because I'm afraid to speak to people but because I am...afraid to emotionally invest in people. Which is probably obvious but also this is the first time I have ever said it out loud." 

"Aren't we a couple of gay disasters" they both laughed at that, as they lay comfortably together, "Hey, Taeminnie... would you just...just lay on me for a little bit. I'm not asking for sex, I just mean litterally squish me. My brain can't wind down. I think it would help" Nini closed his eyes, like he was afraid of how Taemin would react. 

"Of course, can I grab you some leftovers first. I'm sure you need to eat too." Taemin started to peel himself away from his delicious boyfriend. 

Nini whined and pulled him back down to the bed. "No please, this first. This first. I'll eat after I promise." He pulled Taemin down on top of him, pressing his face into the hollow of Taemin's neck, humming happily. They lay like that for a long while just enjoying the intimacy of being close to each other. 

Eventually Taemin stirred, brushing Jongin's bangs back, and kissing his chin, "Hey are you awake Nini bear? Baby?" 

"Noooooooooo, I don't wanna." Nini tried hide his face under his boyfriend. That thought made him giggle, "Boooyyyyfriend Boyfrieeeeennnnd, you're my boyfriend." He wiggled happily. 

"Ahh. Fuck you are unbelievably precious...say it again." Taemin bit Nini's chin with a smirk. 

Jongin rolled over to dump Taemin onto the bed, pulling him as close as possible so he could wrap his long limbs around Taemin to whisper in his ear, "Boyfrieeeeennnnd, My Beautiful Boyfriend. My Precious boyfriend. My Perfect Boyfriend." He punctuated his whispers by nipping Taemin's ear lobe. 

"Fuck, I want you to do that more than just about anything on earth but first I think I really really need to feed you. Think about how many times you have told me yourself that you get sad when you don't eat, and you are already over tired from taking care of me last night. Please let me take care of you too. " 

Nini made sad eyes at Taemin on general principle but released him from his full body hug. "ok, but I protest this separation strongly" 

Taemin giggled at him, "It will only be a couple minutes but if you really can't bear it, you could come with me" 

Nini immediately gravitated to him again, "I can?" 

Taemin tried not to giggle to much, "Yes, don't be ridiculous... and you know I'd like it too. I spent all day waiting for you. It was terrible. Torturous. Now that you're here I don't want to miss a minute." 

Jongin stood up, dragging Taemin with him, somehow he managed to wind himself around Taemin's shoulders as they walked, "Minnie, you woke up at noon, I got back before three." 

"Yes and it was the worst not quite three hours of my life" Taemin deadpanned, "seriously though, was it really only three hours? Holy shit. It felt so much longer." 

"Speaking of time," Jongin crowded in close and nipped Taemin's face affectionately, "Do you work tonight?" 

"Thank fuck no, Sunday and Monday are our beauty rest nights." Taemin squinched his nose in a dramatic pout, and bit Jongin's wrist in retaliation. He didn't let go as they made their way to the kitchen. 

"Oh nice, I should probably go at 9 or 10, but I can definitely put that off until 11 or 12." Nini looked a little forlorn at having to leave at all.

"Mmmmohshsh", Taemin mumbled unwilling to release Jongin's captive wrist. Talking while biting proved near impossible, after a brief internal struggle, he gave in to the necessity, "You could stay the night, you don't even have to do the post it note thing this time so you could sleep in a little more, if you want." Taemin feigned indifference, looking at the wall extremely casually. 

"Yeah? I'd really like that. I am so so tired. I think I would be really sad if I couldn't touch you right now. Maybe it's silly but I'm needy levels of tired. Neeeedy. I mostly just want to lay on you...well forever, but tonight would be a great start." Nini pressed his forehead against Taemin's jaw line. He closed his eyes so he could focus more on the feeling of Taemin's skin.

When they finally made it to the kitchen, Jongin gasped at his post it note art, "You kept it," he was happy glowing. 

"Of course I kept it. Why would I ever take it down. That's the most emotionally resonant art anyone has ever made me, and I am not even joking. Heaven help the first person who knocks one of them off the wall. I was actually thinking about bolting some plexiglass over it or something. Is that to much? I have no idea how to do any of this." Taemin blinked in embarassment waiting for Jongin to say he was ridiculous. 

Instead Nini kissed him affectionately, "I love you too. I can help hang it if you want. I can even sign it." He wiggled his eyebrows at Taemin who punched him in the arm with a pout, then fell back into the kiss. 

"I think it's going to take awhile for me to get used to someone other then Jonghyun taking my feelings seriously, but I really really like it and I'm sorry I freeze up all the time...if you sit down I can make us food." Taemin didn't really want to let go of his Nini but thought it would probably make meal prep easier. 

"You are doing just fine Taemin ah my sweet salty beautiful Boyfriend." Nini shifted around so he was back hugging Taemin and nipped the nape of his neck, "but I'm not sitting down, I'm staying right here." He kissed along Taemin's shoulder as if to illustrate. 

Taemin sighed, "Mmmm...but Nini I can't cook like this." He pouted in Jongin's arms. 

Jongin laughed, "That would be relevant if you were cooking baby, but we both know you aren't. You're getting day old food out of the fridge that you brought home from The Drip Drop last night." 

Taemin didn't really have an argument for that, and was not at all invested in finding one, "Fiiiine, but I'm officially protesting." 

Jongin gave him a reassuring squeeze, "Sure baby, I can tell you hate this. I understand. I guess I'll go sit down now, you know consent and all..." 

Taemin startled grabbing Nini before he could follow through with his probably empty threat, "No No! That's fine. I'm sure I can manage." 

Taemin found that Jongin peering over his shoulder really wasn't to inconvenient. Plus Taemin figured out that if he held bites of food over his shoulder Nini would open his mouth to be fed with zero complaints...and well that was just fine for both of them.

Taemin had even stopped complaining about his reputation being ruined. It was to nice just being close to Jongin. The way conversation, emotional energy, even touch just seemed to flow between them. 

After their make shift dinner they tumbled surprisingly gracefully onto the couch, where they could sprawl out, or more accurately squash each other in ease and comfort. Jongin was covering every inch of Taemin's exposed skin in kisses and bites, again. If a man had to have an unusual love language, Taemin figured biting was quickly becoming his favorite. 

Nini was currently laying halfway across Taemin's lap, pushing his shirt up in increments so he could kiss and nibble on Taemin's exposed stomach. Just when he started getting ideas about ways he would very much like to pass the evening Nini paused, "You know," he whispered into Taemin's ribs, "Eventually our schedules are going to be an issue...and by eventually I mean immediately." 

"Yeah I know, I'm already sad you will have to leave in the morning, and then it's conflicting schedules until Saturday night after I get off work again." Taemin was running both hands through Nini's hair as they talked. It helped both of them feel calm and grounded. 

"You could come over after you get off work, come spend the night at my house this weekend." Nini tucked his hands under Taemin as they talked. Jongin always looked at Taemin in a way that made his soul feel seen. At first it had scared him but it was becoming a comfort to him.

"I could, do I get to ride you like a pony if your roommates are home?" Taemin asked with a teasing raised eyebrow that made Jongin's insides feel like fire. 

"If you understood how loud Chanyeol Hyung was you would not be asking these questions." Nini pouted and bit Taemin's beautiful stomach to further his point. 

Taemin gestured at his entirely empty apartment, "and yet we have total privacy here...you could stay here with me, I could work out all my post performance energy on you.", Taemin wiggled his eyebrows and bit his bottom lip prettily, "If you didn't mind hanging out here for a few hours? You could come by mid day Saturday...or even Friday after your classes if you wanted. I would of course invite you to come with me to the club but I assume you do not want to go on a Friday or Saturday when it's packed." He was trying very hard to not react to Nini's biteyness while they were trying to have a serious conversation, but fuck, it was hard. Pun probably intended. Taemin started giggling despite himself. 

"Nini, baby can you please give me ten minutes of no biting so I can pay proper attention and remember everything we're talking about." Taemin flashed his most dynamic persuasive smile in hopes of convincing him. 

Nini watched him smirking, then without breaking eye contact at all, slowly pulled down the waist band of his sweat pants exposing the sharp curve of his hip, licked the sensitive hollow there, and pretended to deliberate briefly, "hmmmm... no I don't think I can", he evil giggled, and bit the same hollow spot he'd just warmed with his tongue. The bite was sweet, slow, and progressively hard. Hard. 

Taemin arched with the power of it, his whole body electric, "Fuuuuuuuuuck" Nini let go just before it was to much. Pressing gentle kisses and warm soft licks into the now tender skin. Taemin was still panting with the power of the electric after shocks ricocheting through his body when Nini hummed into his tender skin and said, "if you don't mind me coming over Friday after I get done at work, I'd like that very much." He moved a couple inches, and did it again, biting Taemin slow and hard until his body arched and flailed, cursing, threatening, begging. Taemin was Jongin's favorite poetry now. 

"Fuuuuck-fuck-fuck-fuuuuccck", Taemin wrapped his strong legs around Nini as he twisted and flailed, "Fuck, great-great-great", Taemin sing songed, endorphin high. 

"Remind me to make you a key this week ok? Ahhhhh. Fuck-nonono-its Fiiiine. Don't-Don't-stop-ahhhhahaha. umm I can pick you up after I get done at The Drop on Friday? Hey wait hold please. Would you come and watch my performance and meet my drag family next Tuesday? It's our slowest day. Shouldn't be to many people there. I would really like it if you could." 

Nini let up for a minute so he could answer, "Sure, I'd like to see your performance, and if you want me to meet your family, how could I say no? We could do dinner next weekend with my 500 embarassing dads too?" Nini didn't give him time to respond before he bit again in a slightly different place. 

"Aaahhhh-FuckYes-FuckYes-FUCKYESSS" his voice broke into a gasping giggle-whimper-moan, endorphins and desire making it difficult for him to focus. 

"Hmmmm Minnie" Nini smirked but didn't actually stop kissing and licking Taemin's tender skin, "Do you mean Yes you will come, or Yes you will cum?" He giggled as he kept teasing Taemin's pretty pink tormented skin. He bit again. This time intentionally biting where he'd bitten him before. Taemin arched.

"Fuck-yes-both-fuck-yes-both-both-both-forever-and-ever-amen" Taemin chanted, giggly and delirious. He tried to breathe for a second, "Nini Ba-aaby, did we talk about all the things?" 

Jongin considered his writhing desperate Taeminnie, "Hmmmm. I think we did talk about all the things, yes." Nini giggled into his hip as he opened his mouth to bite him again. 

"I don't think so" Taemin practically growled as he held Jongin's chin, "Come here, you gorgeous fucking brat" Nini smirked at him and shook his head just the slightest bit. 

"Make me" his smirk was hot, hungry 

Taemin laughed still endorphin high, "Oh that would be my fucking pleasure" his hands whipped out, grabbed Nini by his nape and all that beautiful constantly misbehaving hair. He pulled his Nini down into a hungry kiss. Before they could fall into a rhythm, Taemin shoved him back. 

Jongin fell back in a sprawl, propped up on his elbows. He was glorious like this, eyes burning, lust flushed, that smirk. Fuck. Taemin didn't want to even think about never getting to see that smirk again. He pulled Nini out of the couch and dragged him bodily to his bedroom, stopping constantly to press sharp biting kisses into whichever part of his Nini that was currently closest. They were both increasingly hazy chaotic but Taemin knew he had methods of convincing a man to 'behave'. Delicious delirious ways of convincing a man. 

He'd woken up this morning every possible kind of fucked and he was going to go to bed with Nini every possible kind of fucked. It only seemed fair. He laughed, delirious. Effervescent.   
Joy. In Love. In Love. 

They could burn like this. Together.   
Forever. Pressing Infinity into their skin. Revelation.


	5. Chapter 5

They say the older you get, the faster time seemed to pass. Jongin didn't know about age but if falling in love sped up the clock even more, he was living that. Time was flying by faster than he could really ever remember in the past.

They had originally planned to just work through the week and see each other on Friday. They could manage Tuesday afternoon to Friday night right? Well...wrong. Tuesday afternoon ended up going much like Monday afternoon. Jongin came over after classes to lay on Taemin as long as possible before he had to start getting ready for his show. Being close to Taemin still did wonders for Jongin's nerves. He was happy to get whatever extra time they were able to carve out for each other. 

Wednesday and Thursday would be long busy nights for Taemin so each of them would have to survive until Friday on their own. They did survive, they were both busy adults. They could manage with video calls and texts for two days. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. 

The weekend was blissful, Jongin graded papers and handled all his other professorly responsibilites while Taemin was working. When he got home Nini was right there to help him undress, shower, and get comfortable. Not that he needed help as such, but they both enjoyed the ritual and intimacy of it. After Taemin had time to relax and eat some sort of dinner. Nini basically insisted on massaging all the knots out of his entire body. Dancing and singing for hours in thigh high boots or glitter rainbow strappy stilletoes was extremely hard, physically exhausting work. 

After that first perfect for them weekend Taemin wasn't sure he ever wanted to end a weekend night without Jongin there, making him food, washing his back and stretching all his aches and pains away. Between afternoon lunches together and nights wrapped up in each other they were quickly becoming habituated to each other's company. 

In no time at all it was Tuesday again and time for Jongin to meet Taemin's chosen family. 

Nini was definitely freaking out... maybe time wasn't moving faster, maybe he was having a teeny tiny anxiety attack about being accepted by Taemin's family. It's not that he was incapable of meeting people, it was just really really really stressful for him at the best of times. Meeting Taeminnie's family who had to hopefully like him and approve of him and and and. Fuuuuck. 

Normally when he had to meet new people he could kinda just do the teacher/professor thing or the introverted nerd thing depending on the context but this was a very different situation and neither of the ways he usually interfaced with strangers really seemed to fit with drag night with the love of his life. He would probably feel better if he stopped dithering and just talked to Taemin about it. He was letting himself get sucked into an over thinking anxiety spin out. 

\----------

My Pretty Pretty Taeminnie

-

*Puppy eyes*  
.

Hey Nini, you ok baby?  
.

*Puppier puppy eyes*  
.

Are you freaking out a little?  
. 

*Nods*  
.

Nini baby bear, come over. I'll be here with you and I'll be there with you. I promise you will be ok. If anyone tries to hit on you, I'll slap them with a shoe...a very pointy shoe.  
.

*wiggles*  
.

Fuck. You are so magical, come watch me get ready already. I miss you anyway. We'll figure out a plan in case of anything. I love you. Please don't worry. They will too.  
.

<3

\---------

It already made him feel better just talking to Taemin. He never got demanding and weird when words got kind of... sideways for Jongin.

Taemin was doing his face when Nini got there. He loved how Minnie looked like royalty in his beautiful robe. Nini already felt better, happy and soothed. 

They sat and talked while Taemin got ready, he thought it was very cool that Jongin was as he put it, so self aware. Nini just saw it as a necessity, his brain was really particular, sometimes he had to know how to work with it. Taemin made that different though, not that it changed him or made him better or whatever, this wasn't a teen drama. It was really just as simple as he felt calm when he was with Taemin. He felt calm when he was talking to Taemin. He felt beloved and appreciated when he was with Taemin and that was all a much nicer mental place to be in. 

So he was happy to sit and talk about anything and nothing including his own anxiety while Taemin got ready. It was a longish process but it made Taemin happy, and happy Taemin was even more delightful, the absolute most effervescent, so it was good all around. If Taemin was happy, he couldn't imagine being sad in his presence. He was just to radiant. 

Tonight Taeminnie had a ton of accessories out for his show, that had already been rejected. Which was unusual for him but Jongin supposed he was probably a little nervous too. Tonight would be the first time they had actively mingled their lives. 

There was a beautiful, wide, black leather collar laying out, it said 'PRETTY BOY' in bold, purple, block letters. Hmmm. He liked it. It reminded him of his Taeminnie. It was firm and warm in his hands. Nice. 

Taemin came back from the land of infinite dresses mostly dressed. It was a Mx Danger night, sweet. Mx. Danger fucked with gender norms like it was her damn job.... well technically he supposed it was literally her job. Tonight there was no wig but he was fairly certain she'd put a little curl in her hair. It was blonde and wavy with a lot of intentional body, chin length, chunky earrings, Dramatic goth club make up, an eggplant purple sequin tux jacket, a black mini skirt, fish nets, and glittery eggplant purple above the knee combat boots. Fuck. She was so gorgeous every fucking way. His Danger Baby. 

He unbuckled the 'Pretty Boy' collar and rebuckled it over and over. Shiny and black. Shiny and black. Clunk clunk, click click, It was sort of hypnotic. 

Mx Danger Taeminnie noticed him fiddling with the collar, that was nice. He felt safe with her eyes on him. 

She looked a little amused and sat down across from him, "Nini Baby, are you in snuggle land again? Is it nerves or is it the collar?" She cocked her head, completely focused on him, yes please. She was so touchable with the sequins, the fishnet, the boots, and the mini skirt. He would get in trouble if he smeared her make-up this close to her show but oh he wanted to so badly...she had lots of other places to bite though, he could be good. He slid into her lap straddling her perfect legs, arms around her neck, curled into her collar bone like he always did because it was his spot. Immediately the pressure and anxiety drained away. He kissed her collar bone and cleared his throat trying to kick start his brain again. She waited patiently for him, hands affectionately roaming, soothing.

"I think it might help, you know keep me from getting to overwhelmed." Nini didn't really move, just stayed in his favorite place. 

"Ok, we can do that. Do you think you'll be able to talk? I can warn them to just shut the fuck up and leave you be if you need me to." his Danger Taeminnie always knew just how to talk to him, touch him. She was so so good. He wished he was allowed to smear her make-up. Afterwards maybe if he was good. If he could talk to her 5Shinee family. 

"No, I want to. I have to get used to them eventually anyway right? I want to know your family they are part of you. It... would maybe be more for when you're on stage. So I don't get overwhelmed. I don't know why I'm so extra anxious today, to much going on lately I guess, but the physical reminder that I'm yours...it would help ground me I think." 

Mx. Danger, Drag Deity, love of his entire life, smiled one of her most delighted, predatorial smiles. He'd pleased her. Oh good. She purred at him. He felt the resonance in his bones. 

"Mmm a physical reminder you're mine...I love it. If that's the case, I'm dressing you too, come on." Normally he'd pout if she made him get up or stop touching but having his entire outfit being her mark....he scrambled up so she could do whatever she had in mind. He trusted her always. 

She laughed affectionately at how eager he was. When she kissed him gently he knew it was a reminder, Be Still, he could not smear her make-up. She purred happily at him for understanding the reminder, for being good and letting her touch. She could always touch him, he was hers for the touching. She tapped him under the chin with a smirk and lead him to the land of infinite dresses with two fingers held under his chin, drawing him forward, directing his posture with gentle insistence. His pretty pretty Danger Taeminnie, knew him so well, giving him something else to focus on. He could do that. He could focus.

She let him keep his favorite black skinny jeans, and added a fish net tank, a stunning black leather asymmetrical shoulder harness, and an oversized cropped black and white long sleeve sweater. He could have sweater paws and a bare stomach for her? Wowww. That might be his new favorite style. Once she had him dressed, she reached under his sweater to tug on the harness to make sure it was well adjusted and not chafing anywhere. Umnngh. Yes please.

"Nini Bear, we're gonna do this formal style to help you transition. Once I put the collar on you, I need you to stay with me enough to be able to speak to me and 5Shinee as well as make decisions on your own if needed. You do not have to speak to anyone else, not even my fans or the other staff. How are you doing baby?" She gave him plenty of time to think about his response. He hummed in agreement. These days she knew what that meant for him and didn't insist on verbal acknowledgement. He was so lucky. He smiled at her, happy and relaxed. If only he was allowed to get her messy...

She took him back to her make-up table, sat down in an intentionally casual sprawl, raised one eyebrow at him, patted her thigh and pointed casually at the ground between her feet, "Eyes on the Ground Nini Precious, you know the rules." 

He did, he could be good, safe in the knowledge that she understood how eye contact was stressful sometimes. But like this, pressed against her thigh, kneeling, back straight, hands behind his back, eyes down, surrounded by her, he could relax, float along into oblivion. She was maybe the only person who had ever bothered to love him enough to understand. The least he could do was be pretty for her. He waited, waiting was easy. After a few minutes of fussing and whispering over him, she pushed him up into a more formal kneel. Collar. Collar. Eyes on the ground. Thank You. I Love You. 

He felt more than saw her put one booted foot in his lap, pressing on his belly just a bit, reminding him why they were here, helping him let go. He stopped worrying. He stopped thinking. 

\----

Taeminnie could tell now when Nini was deep enough to really totally stop the over thinking and anxiety. She loved watching him really truly relax. He was the most beautiful gift she thought she'd ever gotten. 

She had a little bit of a surprise for him. Pretty black cuffs with eggplant purple details. She put them on him one at a time and left his hands in her lap, palms flat. He was being so very good. She left the little clip dangling on one of his cuffs, just in case. She smirked to herself, he didn't understand how beautiful he was. 

The next part of the surprise was a dark purple nail polish that matched her nails. He'd like that, both as a funny twist on matchy match coupley stuff and as physical mark of her claim on him. She did his make up too as he waited quietly for her. He was being so good. She was going to have to think of some special sort of reward. When his make up was done, a smoky eye that coordinated with her look and a more natural lip color, she leaned back to survey her work. Fuck, he really was stunning.

Then the final piece, the wide black collar that said 'Pretty Boy' in purple. Once she had it settled comfortably, she tapped him on the chin to get his attention, to help guide his way back out of the deeps. He opened his eyes and slowly focused on her. She always imagined she could see all of time and space in his eyes when he was like this. Gorgeous. If only she didn't have to work, "How are you feeling my pretty?" 

He licked his lips considering, "Good" 

"Mm look at you, making all the words. I'm so proud...thank you. I know the timing of this has sorta ended up bad for you." She tugged fondly on the D-ring on his collar. 

"It's ok. I want to. I'm excited. Honestly. Nervous too... probably. But happy. I'm fine. I wouldn't do it if it was actually harmful to me I promise." He was so relaxed and confident like this. It was incredibly sexy.

She pushed him back on his hands, "Give me your feet so I can check your circulation, then you can come see how hot you are My Pretty",

She fussed at him for a few minutes making sure nothing was numb or tingling then sank her hands into all his lush beautiful hair and pulled him back onto his feet. Once she was doubly sure he was ok to walk unassisted, they found her big full length mirrors. 

He thought it was a little funny cute how hovery she was being but he'd been under for awhile and it was so nice that she cared, understood it was her responsibility to remember to be careful when he was possibly to subspacey remember to be mindful of his body's limits. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, "You painted my nails...and did my make-up. I love it. I'm not sure I realized you were doing all of that. You're magical too you know Mx Danger...now that my head's more clear, she or they tonight baby?" He sank down to perch at her feet, leaned his head against her, and ran at least one hand up her inner thigh, watching himself in the mirror.

She always beamed at him extra when he knew to ask, "She for the performance, otherwise... I'm not sure it's possible for you to get extra laid tonight, but if you remembered a 'they' now and then, I would certainly more than appreciate it."

He nodded watching his reflection. He slid up her body and wrapped his arms around her shoulders so he could see the full effect of the cuffs, collar, and outfit. It was perfect.

"I like the fishnet and harness under the sweater. It feels less vulnerable like that. We match...You planned this." He smirked at her through the mirror and bit her shoulder affectionately. 

"Yeah...I did. I thought it might help...You know", they paused thinking carefully, "I bought that for you specifically but if you ever wanted a permanent collaring ceremony or even just a day collar...I... wouldn't...be...against...that." 

Nini looked at her through the mirror, in at least a little shock and infinite endearment, then turned around so he could look at her directly, "Really?", Nini tried to remain relaxed but that was an extremely big deal.

"Well yeahhhh, I thought we were clear about that Nini Bear? I'm keeping you forever and ever amen." They pulled him close by waistband of his jeans. 

Nini fought the instinct to get in even closer so he could focus, "If you wanted to get me a day collar I could wear under my clothes for work...I would like that very much. A ceremony... I'm already yours. I don't need that to believe it. But it might be fun once we have intermingled all our friend groups...if for no other reason to watch Chanyeol hide his neck from Baek for a week and a half." They laughed together. 

She looked like she was memorizing every second of him, fussing with his hair and smiling, "I'm really glad.", She blushed a little, she always felt so useless about the emotional stuff.

Nini started giggling, "Awwww. Mxtress Danger had an emotion with their pants on. Who knew it was possible kids" 

She snagged him by the D ring on his collar and pulled him forward quick enough to almost throw him off balance, he immediately went pliant. "Now Now we musn't get carried away baby bear. I still have to work so be good...or I am sure I can think of some way to improve your mood." The threat in her voice made him feel tight all over, hot and heavy. 

"Oh no, shit baby stay with me, ahh haha, there we go, I maybe got a little carried away. I just want to eat you when you get all quippy.... but like seriously you think this will help tonight?" She gestured at their hot coordinated outfits.

He laughed warm and happy, nuzzling "It will Minnie, it definitely will. Thank you" he paused for the drama..."You know I think you could probably take me onstage like this someday...if you wanted." 

They stared at him in what amounted to horny awe, "Really?...to like perform with me or be tormented while I'm performing?...we have to go right now or we aren't going to be leaving this house for a month." 

They'd hoped that they could get him in a good comfortable headspace, Kai the Bratty sex poet was exactly the right one. They were so thankful of how in tune he was. He could be such a brat when he felt like it and they loved it. They were awed by the intensity of his trust.

She loved him so much she forgot to be nervous in taking care of him. That was probably the point to his being extra Kai tonight. Between his teasing and their shared ritualized love letters, both of them were calm, centered, focused on each other, and ready to people.

Mx Danger, Drag Icon, and local legend hooked a finger in the D-ring on their astounding, sexy boyfriend's collar and dragged him out the door. His evil sexy starlet laugh echo'd after them.

\--------

They got to the club before anything had officially opened so 5Shinee could get ready and go over their set list for the night, double check their costuming etc. Plus everyone knew that this was the night they all got to meet Jongin and they were all dying of curiosity. 

When they walked in all the house lights were on and a few staff members were around setting up. Mx Danger had to talk to the DJ first before they went back to meet everyone. She held Nini's hand, took him with her, reassuring him along the way that she would not leave him alone with strangers. Thank goodness. She brought him a stool and then crawled half way up into the DJ booth to sort out whatever needed sorting. He sat on the stool and picked at his cuffs. This was such a great idea. He would be having a panic attack right now if Taeminnie hadn't understood exactly what he needed. 

One of the bartenders kept looking at him. People never kept their rude eyeballs off him, it made him so anxious. He closed his eyes so he could focus on Taeminnie's voice behind him, his collar, calm. He was safe. It was fine. 

"Hey, I haven't seen you around before. What's your name?... hey, I'm talking to you, what's your name?" 

Nini opened his eyes, it was the bartender that had been staring at him, fuck,"I don't have to talk to you", he closed his eyes again, he was not in any sort of headspace to talk to random creeps. 

"Excuse me what the fuck-", he started and then stopped yelling abruptly.

"Ahem," Taeminnie thank goodness, Nini relaxed again. She would take care of it. 

"You know", she drawled with a purposeful ease, still perched on the outer railing of the DJ booth, "If I kicked you in the head from here it would be quite dire for you, and more importantly it would definitely ruin my beautiful boots...so why don't you back the fuck up. The man said no, have some self respect and slither back under whatever rock you crawled out from.", She jumped down and landed with a dancer's grace just in time to watch the bartender decide he didn't want that fight and bailed before she'd needed to take it any further.

"Nini Bear, it's me, I'm going to touch you now. Baby are you ok? I'm so sorry." He opened his eyes, she looked beautiful, hovering over him. 

"I'm fine, I didn't even have to talk to him to fend him off...and then you jumped in to threaten to cave his head in, which honestly was a lot hotter than it should have been" he licked his lips, remembering. 

"You, you're ok? I'm really glad you're ok baby bear. We should talk about what would freak you out when we're out, soon ok, so we know?" She was still fussing over him, messing with his hair. He waited happily. He was hers for the touching. He blinked at her happily, she understood. She always did. 

"Fuck Nini. You have no idea how gorgeous you are...always, but like this....you get so... Fuck. I'm distracted now." She pouted prettily at him. 

His crooked smirk was effervescent, "I think you just want me to suck your dick when I'm all placid, big misty eyes, pliable" 

"Fuck" she squinched up her nose, "that is not comfortable at all, no more of that talk while I am dressed for fucksake or my vengeance will be particularly poetic" 

He open mouth smirked at them. 

"You did that on purpose didn't you? And people think I'm ruthless. Ok, this discussion is tabled for later but I will not forget." She kissed the corner of his mouth, "I'm gonna have to reapply my lipstick, you're wearing most of it. You ready Nini baby?" 

His eyes were endless as he looked up at them, "I'm always ready when I'm with you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. 
> 
> I have been so nervous about this chapter. There was a lot that was more difficult for me. 
> 
> In a lot of ways these stories are love letters to my partners. In other ways they are love letters to all my lgbtqia+ family. 
> 
> So much love to everyone struggling right now in these terrifying damn times

The back of the house was typically busy. They had a dressing room, which wasn't elaborate or even nice but served the purpose of giving all the house performers somewhere to get ready, spot check anything that needed checking, or even just pause to take a breather.

Nini thought Mx Danger looked especially beautiful here. Their energy had been steadily increasing as it got closer to time for them to perform. They paused right outside the dressing room door. 

"Jonginnie, I'm checking in, one last time. When we go in, you will stand by the door and wait for me. I assume you don't want to be in the middle of a lot of very, very loud hugging and excited touching base..." 

Nini smiled impossibly affectionately at them, "...Not really, no...but thanks for asking...I think." He rested his head on their shoulder, letting himself stay just fuzzy enough. 

"Mmm I didn't think so" she bounced with excitement, reassurance squeezed Nini's hand willing pure love, support, and calm, through their connection. This was a huge moment for her, Nini was so honored to be the person she cared enough about to introduce to her family...to make part of her family. He was so in love with her, he must glow with it. 

She did as promised, before they could be surrounded, she told him to be still and wait right by the door for her. They both knew it was for his sake, but the concrete ritual of it helped him not get caught up in anxiety. 

She was right too, it was very loud and chaotic. There seemed to be a lot of teasing Mx Danger about their disappearing for a man. That caused more yelling and mutual affectionate cussing out...but it was the sort of habitual teasing that was built on love and familiarity. He didn't need to worry about it so he tuned it out, letting the warm fuzzy embrace of their love keep him safe even now about to meet a bunch of loud, chaotic strangers that he desperately wanted the approval of. 

Was there a lull in the noise? He was to fuzzy to say for sure until he felt the tap tap on his sternum. 

"Nini Baby, come back and meet my real family. We're done being loud... probably... mostly. I'm gonna introduce you then we'll go up front while they get dressed. My set is all first this time, so we can leave if you need to. Hopefully this will all be relatively easy peasy for you." She smirk winked at him and held her arms out for him to get close. Nini wound around her shoulders, and half dangled content. "Thank you", Nini was practically whispering, "No one's really ever cared before...even my friends mostly. You're not the only one who's not used to people caring about your feelings." 

"Well....I refuse to be emo right now", Danger Taemie fussed with his bangs, like they always did when they were feeling emotional, "You know, I can never understand how you can be so much taller than me, yet hang from me so perfectly." They wrapped their arm around his waist. 

He stood up to his full height, smirked, tapped them on their chin and and sauntered over to their friends, spinning so he could watch their surprise when he winked, "I told you I'm talented and flexible" 

She shook off her surprise and caught back up with him as he greeted everyone properly and casually wound himself around her shoulders again, not missing a beat. He blushed prettily and mostly did his best to not hide his face in her neck. Mostly. 

Nini wasn't sure who he heard say, "Damn I thought you said he was shy?" 

Mx Danger pulled him closer, "He is, he's just being a brat to prove a point...and maybe also to distract me a bit because I am utterly unused to being so full of all these ricocheting emotions. Which I concede to and appreciate. You aren't a baby or made of glass, I'm sorry if I was being to fussy. I am entirely unused to this feeling in my chest and seeing that fucking bartender in your space when I promised you no one would bother you...it upset me a lot, more than I expected honestly...I know you're a grown up man, but you're my grown up man now, and I don't like that I didn't notice sooner. I have apparently become an over protective boyfriend meme, and I assure you I hate myself, but not so much that I would not have ruined my pretty pretty boots on his face if I had to", she took a breath a little taken aback at how intensely she still felt about... everything now.

The room broke out in chaotic affectionate teasing. Nini couldn't really keep track of who was saying what in the excitement. They seemed to be taking turns though

"Holy shit did you just have an emotion??? I'm gonna have to write that shit down. Dear Diary, today I met a maaann", -that was from a graceful brunette with the most severe and beautiful rbf he'd maybe ever seen.

"Dear Diary, today I had a feeling, it was truly the absolute worst experience ever. I think I shall wither away and die of mortification" -a red head who was absolutely beaming a sunny affectionate smile.

"Dear Diary, today I think I may have joined the human race.... There was this maaan you see. He said I'm pretty, now we're going to get marrrrriiieeeedd", -a handsome athletic brunette who exuded casual confident charisma

"Dear Diary, Today-"

"-Dear Diary, Today these smart ass Queens are going die, the slow, painful, and extremely unglamorous way-" Mx Danger was laughing as she said it. She obviously loved these people very much and didn't really mind the teasing even if she was a little embarassed.

Nini had no idea who was who and what was what, but maybe he could slow them down? 

"Excuse me ladies, theybies and pretty babies, but I have no idea who any of you are, it's fucking confusing" he slid his hand under his sweater, "do I have to flash some skin to get you all to....I don't know introduce yourselves?" He flashed his most charming playful smile.

The red head looked at him in open judgement then cackled, "For most of these children, that would totally work." 

Taemi scowled dramatically at them, "Nini, Ms Rude over there is our lovely Onew, cranky elder of our family. He'll lull you into a false sense of security with that innocent smile and then drop snark on you that's so sharp it'll make your hands bleed." Mx Danger radiated that trouble making smile that Nini loved so much and snickered at Onew, Onew snickered right back pretending offense. 

The cranky cat vibes person with the killer rbf snorted, "Shut up for abs? please, he's not even my type." They made a dismissive sound. 

"Okay!!!" Mx Danger, finally interrupted all the affectionate riffing, "That was a really noble effort Jonginnie, and I fully support you showing off any of your really gorgeous body any time and any way you want but no one is going to be dressed in time if you start taking your clothes off....and it is entirely likely I wouldn't make it to my stage at all.... Now if everyone is quite done let me actually try to do this because we are going to have to go on fairly soon and these precious princesses aren't even dressed. So are we done? We're done. Fantastic."

"Ok, so our most beloved catty 'I-don't-believe-in-any-abs-but-Jonghyun's-abs, annoyingly beautiful fashionista is Kibum." 

"Aww Mx Danger, annoyingly beautiful? You really do love me. I wonder though, wouldn't it be so sad if I had some sort of terrible accident and ooops told your pretty little boyfriend all your most embarassing stories? So I don't know, maybe you should shut up, hmmmm.." Kibum wrinked his nose and smirk sneered. Nini thought he must have some juicy stories because Danger Taemi immediately turned to the next person without so much as a snappy come back. Very very juicy. Someday he was gonna find out what they were.

Taemi put their arm around a pretty man with the kindest eyes and blond shaggy fringe, "This is our fearless leader, my drag Mother, and the absolute heart of what we do, Jonghyun. He's honestly been the family I didn't know I needed since forever. Hyung Baby don't cry, it's just the truth." They hugged him tight. 

Once he had a minute to be actually emotional, Jonghyun slid into what seemed like the family's favorite method of affectionate communication, teasing. He held his hands over his heart, "Two emotions in one day, I have never been so proud in my life. Baby is all grown up now. Whatever will we do Kibum? Whatever will we do?" Jonghyun sniffed dramatically, he and Kibum hugged and pretended to sob on each other happily. 

Danger ignored them with a roll of her eyes, "And lastly but certainly not leastly, our beloved Minho who is an absolute doll...or so he has been telling me for years. Don't ever make a bet with him though. He will destroy you. He doesn't believe in losing, ever." Minho yelled but didn't really even bother to argue. 

"So that's my family," Danger pulled Nini even closer to herself feeling a little shy, "family this is Jongin, my... boyfriend...and that's the first time I've said that to anyone but him. Wow huh? Anyway he's a poet obviously I've said that a million times probably. How have I become this mushy person? Seriously, what the fuck.? Fuck me." 

"Right now?" Nini smirked at her, "I mean if that's what you want, anything for you Taeminnie, but it seems like sorta weird timing... It might fuck up your make-up and our carefully curated costuming but if I must, I must. Sacrifices will be made." He moved to take his sweater off. 

Danger Taemi swatted at him before he could follow through with his teasing, "Alright! I get it, I'm allowed to have four whole feelings in one day, with my pants...well skirt on...I guess." Mx Danger still seemed a little overwhelmed. 

Nini detached himself from her shoulders so he could look her in the eyes, get a better feel for her emotional state. She seemed ok mostly, just a little raw. He took her hands in his, "Maybe if you told them about the other thing it would be ample distraction from these wicked squishy emotions?" He kiss nibbled each of her hands.

"Oh yes that's a great idea! I'll take a distraction. Fuck all these feelings, honestly I don't know how you all go around having them all the time. It's frankly exhausting", she pulled Nini back into the spot they both thought of as his, draped over her shoulder.

"So this is the best part, you all remember that period of time when I was trying to track down Kai for a lyrics collab?" 

"Remember?" Kibum snorted in amusement, "You were totally fixated for months, like fucking way gayer Sherlock Holmes, always talking about how you found this clue or that clue, leaving little cryptic notes everywhere, it was a wild time." 

Danger Taemi giggled, "That's embarassing but entirely true. I was really really intent on finding you so we could do a sexy collab for my show." The whole world faded away as they focused on each other. 

Nini stage whispered in theatrical awe, "Thank fuck you finally found me. Hmmm I mean we have been doing a lot of collaboration, but I suppose we could do a pants on collaboration occasionally. That would be fun too" he wiggled his eyebrows at her. 

Danger Taemi feigned shock, "Excuse you. Pants on? Sir you go to far. I have every intention of making you write poetry for me while your pants are very off." She smirked pleased and amused. 

Nini completely froze as he contemplated what exactly that would entail. 

They all laughed, "Oh look, you broke your boyfriend. Cuuuute." 

"That's not cute that's disgusting, take your gross love home so the bitter arid perpetually single people in this room are not subjected to it", was that Kibum? Onew?

Nini lost track of who was talking, it was getting to be a little to much, he was tired from all the peopling, it was making him a little to fuzzy around the edges. He pressed his face into Danger Taeminnie's neck to hold off the waves of anxiety. They always smelled like home to him. He closed his eyes, Taemi could handle the rest of this conversation probably. 

"Wait are you guys saying this precious little sexy kitten of yours is The Kai? The Kai? The actual Kai? The Mysterious King of Gay Smut Lit? Woooow. I don't even know what to say." 

"Well, you could say, I've had tons of orgasms to your work Sir Kai sir." 

"Fuck you, like you haven't" 

"Fuck you like anyone hasn't" 

"That's exactly my fucking point"

"What exactly is your point again? I'm not sure you even know"

Ugh, they were being so loud. Taeminnie was just laughing with them. They were all having so much fun, but it was so loud. It made it hard for him to think. He couldn't tell their voices apart. It was confusing. To loud. If they could just stop arguing. It was a silly thing. He knew that, it didn't bother him. It was the whole point. Well maybe he could just say as much? Maybe that would settle it, he just had to say words, which was getting more complicated. But Kai, they were talking about Kai. He could do the Kai thing for them. That would be all right probably. Better.

He peeled himself off Danger Taemi facing them, "Thank you. I'm glad you did. If you hadn't enjoyed it, I wouldn't have been doing my job very well at all." He flipped his hair out of his face, smirked and wrapped pretty Mx Taemi's hands around his waist suggestive of so many things, with a sensual languid grace he leaned back into her with all his possible flirtatious ease. The whole room went silent, fascinated by his sudden magnetism, having not really seen him flip before. Good. Quiet was better.

"If you want to know the truth, I think of it as your confession," his laugh was kind, sensual, a secret promise, "like a tribute."

There was a loud knock on the dressing room door, "FIVE MINUTES FOR MX DANGER!" It broke through the the moment. 

Nini jumped a little at the surprise loud noise, the abrupt mood shift, it all left him feeling a little wobbly. He decided that if he only had five minutes his Danger Baby was the only one who mattered, he naturally migrated to his safe space. Chaos erupted. He couldn't handle this much longer. He hoped he hadn't disappointed Taemi. Belatedly he realized someone was in his space. He made an effort to look. 

It was Jonghyun he was pretty sure, he seemed understanding and didn't come any further into Nini's space, "Hey, thanks for meeting us today. I know we can be a little overwhelming especially before a show. You did great just so you know, they told me you were worried... They love you so much, it was important for them that you see this, that's been the biggest emotional part of their lives. They've never introduced a single lover to us in all these years. So, it's important right? You're important. Welcome to the family Jongin ssi" he smiled a sweet reassuring smile at Nini and then gave Mx Taemi a sincere side hug while they fussed at him for being embarassing. 

"I like him kiddo. I love you. You know that. I'm so proud of you for not running away. You really are growing up. Now go sing your ass off for him. I bet he will love your set." 

Mx Danger would undoubtedly deny later that, she teared up a little. Nini squeezed her. She fixed her lipstick once more, then it was time. She explained where he would be sitting, that it was right up front, close to the stage. He was fine though now that there wasn't so much conflicting sound. He was Mx Danger's pretty boy. His whole body said so. He would be fine. 

"Did you mean it about going up on stage with me someday Nini? I had no idea you had that much stage charisma. You are so amazing. Fuck no time, I love you. I hope you like my set." 

Of course he loved the set. Seeing Mx Danger perform was like finding the last piece of the puzzle that had been hiding away under a mug. They told him once that they got into performing because the lifestyle was more fun but seeing them up there like that it was obvious they were born to it. The room was completely held in their sway as they talked introducing their songs, connecting with the audience with sincere affection. Then they started to sing...holy shit. They were phenomenal. 

Suddenly so much about his love made even more sense, their bigger than life personality, the intensity, the being relatively closed off. He'd be willing to bet that before they met this was their primary emotional outlet. He was transfixed. The first song ended and they flowed into their second. 

Someone sat down at his table, he tuned it out at first, having eyes only for His Love. In his peripheral vision, he realized it was the book seller from the day his whole life changed. They looked exactly the same, fiery orange hair, midnight blue fuzzy sweater, celestial tattoos everywhere. How was that even possible? 

"They look radiant up there don't they? With you by their side, they shine so bright one might believe they were born a star", The person flashed a warm amused smile at Jongin as if that was the most hilarious joke. 

"What?" Jongin was to baffled by this person showing up out of nowhere to make sense of what they were talking about.

"Technically I'm not supposed to interfere you know. If you find each other so be it, if you don't there's always next time. But in my position, sometimes rules can be bent a little here and there without obliterating the entire space time continuum. I suppose I've always been a little partial...call me a romantic if you must, some stars were just meant to blaze together eternally." They paused and fished a small metallic something out of their pocket, "This is for you. Keep it close. It might bring you luck one last time." They slid it across the table to Jongin. 

He picked it up...it was a locket maybe? It seemed to be made of the same metal as the old coin he had also gotten from them. It had the same sun design on it. That was weird. 

"What the-" they were gone, again. 

What the hell was that about? He remembered where he was. He'd worry about it later. He didn't want to miss any more of the Mx Danger set. They were still singing. It was beautiful. The first couple songs were sexy, this was different, personal, poignant. 

"As long as you’re with me Every part of my past  
Will turn into a part of my future  
So now I reach my hand Only your warmth melts my cold heart  
That I’ve kept hiding under my skin  
Please hold me tonight The real me  
I’ve never shown anyone and can’t let out anywhere..."

Oh. Oh. Was that about him? About them? He didn't want to jump to any conclusions or presume to much...but maybe? Was a month-ish long enough to write a song? Of course he'd written approximately three million sappy poems for them. Regardless it was beautiful. He pocketed the locket without really thinking about it. He was to entranced by Taemie's song. 

The song ended, the crowd started to shout and applaud. He sort of missed the feeling of the song in his ears. Taemie was blushing, so happy, spinning around, they bowed and then curtsied...were they reaching for him? Signaling him or something? Taeminnie stomped, a little frustrated. Oh yes they were, ok he could do that. 

The crowd was still applauding when he got up and hopped up onto the low stage. The light was warm on his skin. He supposed he should be nervous...or terrified. But everything fell away, it was just the two of them up there. He swept them off their feet, literally. They wrapped their legs around him, kissing him, vibrant with excitement. Dimly Nini was aware that everyone was screaming even louder for them, that they matched, and that he was very very much in love with this electric bundle of nerves in his arms. Taemi kissed him all over his face. He was gonna be covered in purple lipstick by the time they got home. 

They smiled down at him, "I love you", Taemi really did look radiant like the sun right now. 

"I love you too", he nipped her chin for good measure. The crowd went wild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Mx. Danger is singing for Nini is Taemin's 'Under my Skin' --
> 
> We made it to the after author note! Thank you so much for sticking it out with me. 
> 
> Hopefully this is my last struggle chapter but probably not. Haha 
> 
> I spent several days unsure of how a couple aspects of this was going to work out, and boy does that always make me doubt myself.
> 
> Writing a room full of people talking over each other at SHINee levels of intense chaos? Difficult, for me anyway.
> 
> I always have trouble with characterization for quieter people unless that part of the story is from their perspective. Of course quiet in terms of SHINee is kinda relative... So all of that made me nervous too. 
> 
> Writing Nini more overtly and clearly in a way I personally relate to? Holy Emotional Vulnerability Batman! 
> 
> Also, my party days are long behind me. I haven't regularly hung out in the local LGBTQIA+ club/bar scene since...2012 I think? So i guess Nini and Mx Danger say hi from Queer 1998. 
> 
> Having Taemin/Mx Danger use fluid pronouns...like I myself do? *Nervous laughter*
> 
> Writing is always at least a little bit about gently (or not so gently) scooping little bite sized pieces of ourselves, our souls if that's a thing you believe in, to share with you, hoping that it's something that resonates, enriches, or entertains you. 
> 
> It can be incredibly vulnerable work. For me this is that. Incredibly vulnerable work. 
> 
> So these were some of the bite sized pieces of me...no you know what that was just gonna become a dick joke so nevermind. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed. From my heart to yours I mean that sincerely.


	7. Chapter 7

Morning. 

What does morning even mean when your job involves spending the night at the club, dancing and singing into the wee hours of near dawn? 

What does morning even mean when after all the hours at the club you absolutely had to thoroughly reward your gorgeous, adorable, beloved boyfriend for stepping soo far out of his comfort zone for you? 

Fuck, he was so in love...and this morning it didn't even feel weird or embarassing. Wow. How quickly he had adapted to Jongin just being a part of his life. In so many ways it still felt like they had always known each other, that they weren't meeting for the first time but finding each other after an unending search. He didn't know why he felt that way, but he couldn't shake the intensity of the Nini's emotional familiarity. 

Speaking of Nini, he really had to pee and he was very securely snuggled which was amazing but also he still had to pee. He used to swear he would never be one of those sappy practically married gays...and here he was reluctant to get up and pee because he didn't want to separate himself from his human comforter...human comfort, really. He had become exactly what he used to be most afraid of and he was glad. So, so terribly glad.

He remembered once giving an impassioned speech at an after party, about the failure of love as a tool to force monogamy and hetero-normativity on the world, neither of which he needed. He would never be so foolish as to be woo'ed by it's saccharine oblivion. He actually literally said saccharine oblivion. He had been standing on a table. What a self important fuck. 

But he could mock his past self later because right now he really did have to pee. He wiggled earnestly out from under Nini who pouted in his sleep once Taemin finally succeeded in getting out from under him. A crime against Nini, trying to get out from under him. Ohhhh he was so beautiful. No no he had to pee. Wow just wow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He had gotten so incredibly smooshy for this man. Jongin. Forever. For Always. This was a fate he was happy to accept.

Last night had been amazing. It was probably at least fifty percent of why he was so painfully wahhhh in love this morning. Introducing Nini to his family, singing for him, being on stage with him, the kiss. The way Nini always kissed him like it was the first and last kiss of their lives. He kissed Taemin like the whole universe was inside them...well it was very romantic that was all. 

Then Nini had been fine and comfortable even after everything so they stayed and watched the rest of the 5SHINee set. It had been so long since he'd been in the audience when they performed. It reminded him how much he loved his family. How lucky he was that they found him when he was just a little loud mouth kid. Nini gave that back to him in a way. 

Precious Nini who sat and absorbed everything as he talked about their lives, their stage personas, the stories behind each of their stage names, how he had fallen in love with drag in the first place, who never got weird about his pronouns changing, didn't get weird about the fluidity of who he was at all... because a lot of people did, wanted one version of him or another, but never all of him. Nini went out of his way to make sure that he knew, understood as well as he could, and loved every part of Taemin. Nini watched each song with an unmatched intensity, simply because they were an important part of Taemin's life...it made him feel so loved he thought he might just burst. He wondered when the fear that Nini might change his mind or find some part of Taemin that he couldn't love, would pass. He had no idea. This was his first time on this particular tumultuous ride. Love. Who knew? 

He still wasn't exactly used to being full of all these nice feelings and it was making him overthink, so maybe coffee was in order. That made logical sense somehow, surely. Stumbling to the kitchen was a little hilarious because of their trail of discarded clothes...like some queer, goth-punk version of every overwrought rom-com ever. Oh, the fishnets Nini had shredded last night...not that he'd been complaining at the time mind you. But still...he picked them up and took them with him to make coffee. 

Once he had breakfast things, coffee for him, and tea for Nini he carried everything, including the shredded fishnets back to the bedroom. Maybe he should start buying groceries? They had been eating at home a lot...their home? Kinda though right? Jongin had been staying here every night except Wednesday and Thursday nights. Maybe he should invite him to live with him for real? Wow that thought made him feel so warm. He set the food on the beside table, gulped half his cup of coffee in one go, and pulled the blankets off of Jongin who was sprawled gloriously on his stomach. Fuck he was gorgeous, and so lovely. It was just to inviting to crawl in on top of his most precious Nini and croon nonsense at him until he woke up. He grabbed a handful of grapes, chomping one thoughtfully.

"Nini Baby Bear, Itty Bitty Baby Bear wake up...I have teaaaa and breakfast. Wake up baby.", Taemin covered him in kisses and nibbles. He could be nibbly too when it suited him. 

"Mmmmmmphdonwann", Nini covered his face, whimpering. 

"Baby you're so pretty and warm. I love you so much, wake up and eat this food. My brain is getting exhausted thinking about you. I want you here instead. Wake up Jonginnie please." Taemin wiggled on him, trying to slowly bring him to the land of the wakeful. He really was way over thinking. 

"MmmmYyy... you're cheatingggg" Nini sleepy pouted at him, "cheatinggg", he tried to hide his face under his arms. 

"Nini wake up Baby, look...you shredded my fishnets baby. I get to pester you as much as I want because you shredded my fishnets last night" Taemin chomped another grape, pressed a grape against Nini's pretty mouth. He took the grape happily enough but still refused to actually wake up. Taemin bit his shoulder and grrrowled at him. If cute didn't work he could be more insistent. 

"Nnnuhhh-uhhhhhhh...You didn't have any complaints last night. Your exact words were 'Fuck it. Rip em up". I was careful with everything else. So you're still cheatinggg" Nini squinched his whole face up in an even more sad sleepy pout. He finally opened one eye to look at Taemin blearily. 

Taemin popped grapes in both of their mouths. He was developing a system, "Well, maybe I did make an emergency decision. None the less they are mine...and you destroyed them so I thought I should tell you I'm keeping them", he sounded so pleased with himself Jongin finally opened both eyes. 

"For what?" He tried to roll over onto his back but Taemin had him pinned on his belly,. He finally gave Jongin just enough room to roll over, followed by two more grapes each. Once Nini was situated, he could see the intensity of Taemin's leer, "oh".

Nini closed his eyes again. He was so still Taemin worried that he'd fallen back to sleep. He didn't open his eyes or move other than a growing enamored smile, "Yeah ok, I consent to that." He smirked a little under the arm covering his face. 

"You just consent to that? You don't even know what I was going to say", for some reason Taemin felt slightly indignant that he was being so... agreeable. He gave them both a couple more grapes. Nini chewed his amiably.

"I trust you Minnie." Nini didn't move. 

"You trust me?", He wasn't sure why he loved all Jongin's silly nicknames for him. He just did. 

"I trust you", he didn't move a centimeter.

"Ok...you're being so compliant though." Taeminnie pouted into a disappointed frown. 

"Would it be better if I was being less compliant?" 

"Yes?", Why did Taemin suddenly feel like the vulnerable one here?

"Ok", he paused again, so still and quiet this time Taemin was sure he had fallen asleep again, "Oh No Taeminnie, please don't tie me up or gag me with your sexy shredded fishnets." He wiggled under Taemin half-hearted and sleepy. 

"You're making fun of me" Taemin huffed at him. 

"Yes I am. I'm sleepy. You're nervous alone with your thoughts. I get it. I'm right here. I'm real. I love you...  
But you really can do anything you want with me and those fishnets. I meant that." Jongin put his arms around Taemin, pulled him close enough that he could nuzzle the hollow of his throat. 

Now that he had Nini's full attention he just wanted to bask in it for awhile. Taemin curled up on Jongin's chest thinking, "... I want to get you that day collar if you meant that" he could feel himself blushing against the steadying presence of Nini's chest.

"Yeah?" His eyes were finally staying open. Taemin wanted to be lost in those beautiful brown eyes forever. 

"Yeah" , Taemin tried to sound more confident than he felt. Feelings. Fuck, "Only if you want to of course....I just...I don't honestly know how to explain it. When I'm with you it feels like we've always been and always will be, but also like...I miss this state of being that is closer than anything that's actually possible like we were connected in some way once... I'm not explaining myself well at all", Taemin sighed and pressed his face into Jongin's chest in embarassment. 

"Hey", Jongin cupped Taemin's face, gently encouraging him to look at him, "in case you haven't noticed I am incredibly in to any and every way you want to claim me. So yes please. Collar me baby. Formalize this in whatever way makes you feel safe and confident in us. Because if you do, I will too." 

"Fuck. You keep saying 'collar me', we aren't getting out of this bed for a month.", He bit Nini's collar bone to illustrate his frustration. 

"You keep promising me a sex-cation and every single time I still have to rudely get up and do things that do not at all involve making you cum so hard you cry." Jongin rumbled into the hollow behind Taemin's ear making him shiver. 

"I do not cry... usually. You're insufferable." He bit Jongin a little harder this time. 

"If I'm insufferable, it's because I learned from the best. But Minnie seriously, collar, engagement ring, embarassing obvious bite marks. I'm yours, do with me what you will. I'm not a kid. I have plenty of healthy boundaries. I know what I'm saying when I say that. Claim me please." He gathered Taemin in his arms and hugged him, sprinkling kisses generously anywhere he could. 

"Fuck how can you make me so emotional and so horny at the same time. It's very confusing. Fuck. I love you so much. You really are amazing. Ok so I think I found the one, if you want to see it. It's not functional but it does lock and it would be easy to hide under your clothes. The chain seems heavy enough to not easily break... And we could get it sized so it sat prettily under your functional collar when we wanted....I mean maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but you seemed very relaxed in the cuffs and collar?" Taemin wiggled nervously in Jongin's arms. 

"That sounds perfect baby, if that's what you want get it...and yes I was very relaxed you did not misunderstand or get ahead of yourself. I keep telling you I trust you and you keep doubting me. Should I be worried that you don't trust me?", Jongin had a barely contained amused smirk

"No! Ugh I'm just a mess right now ok? How are you always so relaxed about this?", Taemin covered his face, embarassed. 

"Hey Taeminnie", Nini rubbed his back as he spoke, soft and gentle, "I promise I'm not so relaxed about it. It's just the way my particular brain works, as soon as I realize a thing could happen. I have to plan for it, have five million contingency plans. So I've been thinking about how I would handle this since that very first meeting really, but certainly at least since we started video chatting. I don't do that with people... like at all so it was a big deal for me, video chatting. You on the other hand, my painfully beautiful love shove all that stuff down as much as you can as long as you can, until you physically can not anymore and it comes spilling out everywhere. Neither coping method is better, just different." He wrapped his whole body around Taemin to reassure him physically as best as he could. 

"Holy shit" Taemin whispered, slightly awestruck, "Move in with me Jongin. I...my... I don't ever want to miss out on time with you if I could be with you. I...our schedules are so different. Move in with me. Please... I mean if you want." Minnie blushed a little at the sincerity of what he said, but he refused to take it back.

"Ok" Nini always seemed infinite when they were like this. Taemin felt like he was falling into his eyes, "I'm yours. I already said that. If you want me here. I want to be here...and on a less sexy or romantic note, it's finals season coming up so my life was going to be fucking hectic for awhile anyway. If we live together...well I like that better. Barely seeing you for weeks would surely make me extremely sad." He was radiant with happiness. 

"Really?" Taemin thought he was going to have to convince him or something. 

"Really, I mean unless you were just being polite." Nini looked up at him with big sad, worried eyes. 

"No! Baby no I meant it. I meant it with every part of me. There is very little I want more than that. I've wanted that since our first night together really. Fuck please just move in with me so I can finalize this whole happily married boring old weirdo thing. I need it. I need you. Fuck. I need you. Ok. Not in a codependent way, in a I want to choose you every day for the rest of my life way. In a, you're my best friend and I adore you so much it makes my face hurts way. In a, I didn't know how much I wanted to have a person to grow with but now that I have located you I can not fathom anything else, kind of way." 

Jongin looked at him, just taking him in for a few minutes, his eyes glowing. He'd learned that sometimes when Nini was emotional, you had to give him space, for words. He was more than happy to do that forever. 

"I would love to move in with you then Taeminnie. I would love to so much.", This time Jongin was getting a little emotional he sniffle giggled, "hey though I know we were supposed to eat dinner with my friends soon but with finals and moving in together. What if we rescheduled the dinner to after finals and we get everyone together to meet each other? Would that be ok?" Nini squeezed him nervously. 

"I think that's a great idea Nini Bear. I love it. Baekhyun and Kibum in the same room are sure to be a hilarious amount of diva in the same space. Do I need to ask one of your Hyungs for your hand or something? I know this is a little sudden", the last thing Taemin wanted was to alienate the love of his life's chosen family. 

Instead of answering directly Nini squeezed Taemin close and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. He shook his head, with a smirk, digging his teeth into Taemin's lip just enough to make him hiss a little. 

Taemin looked down at this blessing of a man as best as he could with his bottom lip being affectionately chewed. This man who lived with him now, who had wholeheartedly accepted everything about him. He never thought he could feel this....content. His heart was overflowing, with joy but also comfort, warmth, safety, respect. It had never occurred to him that being in love could feel this good. It had never occurred to him that love could be this good. That it could feel like growth rather than loss. He carefully extricated his lip from it's baby bear predicament, "No words baby?" He sat up so he could read Nini's expressions better if he was overwhelmed. Something about having the love of his life warm and happy under him felt sacred. 

Nini cocked his head, Taemin recognized now when it took him a little longer to connect thoughts to communication. Nini didn't seem upset, just comfortable, happy, not rushing himself. He smiled up at Taemin, that raw, sincere, expansive smile of his then reached up and buried his hands in Taemin's short hair. The same infinite affection in his eyes that was always there now. Nini's voice was soft, almost a whisper in his ear, "Collar me Taeminnie Please. Please Collar me Taemie before I float away." Nini kissed him, hot, hungry, needy. He was like gravity. Taemin never wanted to escape. 

Taemin kissed his face and got the collar off the bedside table. Nini watched him calm and happy. The way he always was when he felt like this. Taemin stood by the side of the bed, "Come here Nini Bear", Nini wiggled haphazardly in his direction. Taemin waited they had plenty of time, he tapped his own sternum, "Come on Baby Bear, come here. Chin here please. So I can take care of you properly. You can sit if it's more comfortable than kneeling" 

It was impossible to not glow with love and affection as Nini wiggled around in front of him, getting comfortable. His earnest expression when he finally rested his chin on Taemin's chest. The view was perfect like this. He loved being able to run his fingers through Nini's hair, to look into his eyes. Calm, patient, and beautiful, Jongin embodied gentle grace. Taemin felt almost overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings. He settled the collar gently into place, "You're so beautiful Baby Bear. Perfect. So perfect. Being with you feels like burning with blessings, from the inside out." Taemin kissed his forehead and idly played with his hair. It had become an affectionate habit. 

Nini blinked slowly contemplating, "No one has ever thought anything like that before I don't think Taemi. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it could be real that this...that I don't bother you." 

Taemi cut him off, putting their hand over his mouth gently, before he could speak more of other people's judgement into their sacred space, "Shhhhh Nini Bear, my sweetest kitten. I don't know if anyone besides my 5Shinee family, has ever even liked me beyond what they thought my body or my social standing could give them. In a different way, I think I understand the feeling of this couldn't possibly be real. All I can say to reassure you is that you're perfect for me. You're perfect to me. You're perfect for you. That's all that matters right now. Right here where you are mine and I am yours. Here let me show you." They gave him a firm push, backwards onto the bed. 

They didn't need the approval or understanding of the world, just themselves...and maybe now each other. Taemi only knew that loving Nini felt like breathing salvation. 

He felt like truth. 

It felt like burning away, being born anew. 

Ecstasy.

Destiny

There was no use denying gravity

Not that, Taemin wanted to

Gravity had inhabited them 

Taken root

Bliss

Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you are probably thinking, but Mr. Lost, who would actually lecture drunk people about love being a capitalist hetero-normative scam while standing on a table? Well...me actually. I did that. Probably more than once actually. But my memory is hazy in a lot of places. So yes I was that self important fuck, and I also have been eating the blissful comeuppance of having become one of those boring practically married old weirdo gays. I could not possibly be happier about it. My beloved people mean just so much to me. It's disgusting and precious...or so I tell myself. Lol
> 
> Now too be absolutely fair, I used to stand on counters or tables whenever I had the most thin excuse, for reasons of positive sensory feedback mostly. Maybe I was just a cat once. I don't know for sure. 
> 
> Next Up-ish: getting EXO family and SHINee family meeting each other. But that is going to take more planning so it is probably going to take me a little longer to update than the 2-3 days I have been taking. 
> 
> If it takes to long, I've been considering adding one more in between chapter of them getting accustomed to living together. Because making room for each other in our lives is hard, even when we are very much in love. So hopefully you'll have something one way or another in a few days. 
> 
> Thank you as always for staying with me and reading this very close to my heart story.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual any crap parenting only reflects on my own parents, not on any idol's actual parents.
> 
> I'm putting a content note on this chapter, for depiction of trauma, flashbacks, PTSD, fear of abandonment, implied past ableism, and experiencing past homophobia.
> 
> I did my best to handle it so that they were talking about something serious, important, and and honest with out making it trauma porn and to handle it obliquely enough for it not to be aggressively triggering for most people. 
> 
> But I know it's impossible to talk about these things without it ever potentially reminding people of their own trauma.
> 
> If these are things that are, or were in your life, I understand as well as I can, me too unfortunately. *Empathy and solidarity* 
> 
> Please, if you are able, take comfort in whatever ways help you most. 
> 
> We all deserve rest and care

Moving was always a big ordeal, if it was also a move made on relative short notice, shocking literally every single person you know other than the other person involved...let's just say there was going to be a certain amount of dramatics involved in the reaction to your decision. 

But that was ok, Jongin understood why they were shocked, he also understood that this was what he wanted. He had spent so much of his life doing what had been expected of him, up to and including teaching writing to adolescents, when he'd be happier actually writing. So just this once he was going to be himself and make a choice for himself even if no one else understood.

The first two weeks together were the best two weeks of his entire life. Sleeping with Taemin every night, eating breakfast with him, showers together, waking up together, being way to busy together, and of course truly gratuitous amount of honeymoon sex. It was a good time. A great time. Unfortunately life can't stay honeymoon mode forever. 

Unfortunately on the third week Jongin's work life transitioned from very busy to unbelievably day in and day out ran ragged busy. It was chaos. It was finals. He had to stay in his office till all hours to help every panicky young adult that didn't realize until that very moment that they didn't understand traditional Korean poetry styles or had forgotten to do some essential reading. It was a lot of stress and pressure, and it was also a lot more talking to people one on one than his job usually entailed. It left him completely drained and on edge at the end of the night.

Taemin on the other hand was getting ready for a very important drag competition that he and 5Shinee were participating in. Taemin, Jonghyun, and Key were writing their own songs, all of them were working on choreography as well as the other parts of the performances they would need to win. They truly were some of the best at what they did. Being the best is a lot of work though. Grueling exhausting work.

In theory if they were both coming home exhausted they could at least fall into bed together, but unfortunately their usually quite different schedules had now been pressed into complete opposite schedules by the nature of exactly how busy they both were. 

Normally that probably wouldn't be to big of a deal since they were both very dedicated to their work. They both understood the other's passion. But right at this moment, they were also adjusting to being in each others space and that was proving to be more complicated. 

Taemin had a tendency to make decisions on impulse and Jongin wanted to plan everything out to the smallest detail. Consequently they ended up being at odds over the silliest things out of sheer exhaustion and need to learn the ways of each other... they had basically initiated cohabitation on hard mode. Oops.

Everything came to a head on a Thursday night (the last night before hell week was over thank fuck) over, of all things spoons. Part of the problem had definitely grown from the fact that because their schedules were so different, Jongin was basically floating around in the evening alone still feeling like a guest and not really knowing where or how to fold himself into the house...into Taemin's life. While Taemin was waking up in the early afternoon with his stuff moved around and no Nini about to soften the discomfort of all the change. It was extremely stressful for both of them. 

But that particular day the issue was sadly... spoons. Why spoons? Unfortunately Nini forgot to ask, so it may remain a mystery for all time.

Taemin had blown in, during the middle of what would normally be 5Shinee practice time, tearing through the kitchen obviously looking for something. He barely acknowledged Jongin as he slammed around loud and obviously frustrated. 

"Where the fuck are my spoons?" He yanked a drawer open and stared at it's lack of spoons disproportionately angry. 

"I...what? Oh I'm sorry. I couldn't figure out where they went. I...was washing...I guess that doesn't matter. I put them over there." He pointed at a drawer on the other side of the kitchen. 

Taemin huffed, "Well these don't fucking go here!" He scooped every piece of silverware out of the drawer and threw them at once into the sink", the piercing metal on metal clatter shocked both of them. Jongin jumped at the loud noise. 

Nini wiped his eyes, trying not to cry, "fuck" he whispered more to himself than Taemin. 

Taemin stood there panting for a few seconds, clearly on the verge of having a panic attack. He closed his eyes and slowly deflated until he was crouched on the kitchen floor hugging his knees, "Look if you're going to leave could you just go, I can't stand the waiting. I feel like I'm bleeding internally." A dry panicked sob punctuated his despair. 

"What. I..what? ... No. Do you want me to leave?", Nini could not quite stop crying, but if Taemin was going to make him leave then he wanted his tears anyway. He tried to not let the devastation swallow him whole. 

"No. No. No. But I can't stop being unreasonably angry over the littlest fucking things...n I'm gonna drive you away...n you'll leave me n it hurts so much Nini. It hurts so much I feel like I'm dying." Taemin was basically sobbing into his knees. 

Jongin was shocked, he thought Taemin regretted inviting him and was going to send him away any minute. They really were ridiculous disaster gays, "Taemin ah, If you aren't regretting inviting me. I hadn't planned on going anywhere. I don't really understand what's upsetting you so much, or why you're so mad at me right now. But moving in with people, it's stressful. I don't want to give up on us because we don't have a lot of emotional bandwidth right now outside of work. We're both so busy. That won't always be the case...well not this bad anyway", He sat down in front of Taemin and tentatively tried to give him some physical reassurance. Gentle hands on his arms, fussing quietly with his hair. He tried very hard not to be afraid of where this conversation was going. 

"Really? You don't want to? ... Maybe you should...", Taemin whispered, dejected, into the space between his knees. 

Nini wished he could understand why Taemin was so certain he was halfway out the door, "Well look, I'm not signing on for any more yelling at me over spoons, no. But I can see something is going on and I wish you would explain it to me. I meant what I said before. If you want me here I want to be here. Maybe we can figure it out together, if you can explain? I want to understand Taemin ah" 

Taemin tried to believe Jongin's sincerity. The difficulty he was having wasn't Jongin's fault. He needed to explain that. He keened sadly, "I'm sorry Nini. You really haven't done anything wrong. If I haven't irreparably destroyed this, can I maybe show you something that might help you understand ... and hopefully if I tell you it will help me stop feeling like I'm waiting for you to figure out I don't deserve you." 

"Taeminnie..." Nini looked so heart broken. He reached for Taemin but stopped when he visibly flinched. 

"I... FUCK! Fuck. I'm sorry. Let me just show you. If you still want to be here once you know everything, then I would very much like that hug." He got up slowly and lead Jongin to their now shared bedroom. 

With a look of utter despair he opened his underwear drawer, dug around in it and pulled out, two unopened packs of sweets, threw them unceremoniously on the bed. From the closet he dug around pulled out three bags of snacky things. Those went on the bed too. Then he moved the bed away from the wall and pulled 2 cans of soda out, added them to the pile. He grabbed his pillow sadly, turned the case inside out, a few small snack packages fell out. He left them were they lay and sat down heavily on the bed hiding his face in his arms.

Jongin looked at the pile of hidden snack food and Taemin for whom this was obviously not a small thing, "Taeminnie, I'm sorry baby, I don't understand what you are trying to tell me. Sometimes I'm not good at implicit communication. But I want to understand Taemi. I really do", he sat down beside Taemin trying to gently put an arm around his shoulders. 

Taemin closed his eyes and sighed in exhaustion, "Did you come out to your parents Nini?" 

"Well, my mom and siblings yeah." 

"How old were you?" Taemin didn't look at Nini but he did lean into him a little. Jongin understood he was trying his best to reach out and was fine giving him time and space to figure out what he needed to say. 

"Oh, college. I was kinda dating my roommate at the time. Which wow, ill fated, but they figured it out and I am, if you hadn't noticed a moderately terrible liar." Jongin tried to lighten the mood slightly with a small true joke. 

Taemin's smile was hollow, but Jongin was relieved to see it anyway, "Ha, well I accidentally came out when I was ten. I don't remember how I found out about drag, but I do remember telling my mom that it was my dream to do that. I didn't know really about gender or sexuality or anything related of course, but when she started asking questions and demanding answers ... well my answers were not what she wanted to hear at all. She was not supportive. She even went as far as taking me to an Idol audition, because it was, in her words, close enough. Close enough? What does that even mean?"

"So long story short, by the time I was 11 I was on my own a lot. I won't subject you to the details of that when it's not to relevant right now anyway. The point is, that by the time I was fourteen, I was pretty jaded, used to keeping myself to myself and taking care of myself. There wasn't really anyone else. I heard there was a new club that had drag shows every night. I snuck in every night, they threw me out every night. I repeated this every day for a week and a half. I couldn't stop, I was so desperate to do the one thing I'd more or less given my whole life to before I even realized I had a choice. Not having access to it seemed the most cruel circumstance." 

"One night the owner caught me stealing food, that changed his tone. He sat me down, fed me, and asked me why the fuck I kept sneaking in. Jo Kwon was all right... I think that place was Called The 2am...or maybe The 2pm. I can't remember clearly right now. Anyway that's not the point, he didn't really have much he could do for me in a night club, but he knew through the drag grape vine that a peer was trying to set up an original set music focused drag family. The family part is why he called I think.", Taemin paused to collect his thoughts. 

"Regardless of why, he called Jonghyun and Hyung basically adopted me on the spot. He took me home, fed me, got me clothes, and schooling. I lived with him for a long time after that. Besides basic parent stuff he taught me about singing, dancing, lyricism, poetry. How to dress, do my make up...and never asked me for anything...It wasn't easy for him I'm sure I was angry and afraid all the time. I made sure to always have a couple bags hidden with food, a drink or two, a little money if I could get my hands on it. In case of emergency. I was so afraid he'd kick me out, I acted out constantly, did shit to upset him on purpose. I couldn't bear the thought of being abandoned by another parental figure. So I had to make him give up on me before I really started to believe in him. But he never did Nini." 

"He never said anything about my emergency stashes so I assumed he didn't know about them. They were a constant that I kept long after most of the overt fear had faded. But two years later, when I finally felt safe enough to not keep a stock of candy in my sock drawer he was utterly unsurprised. He wasn't mad or disgusted or weirded out. He said he understood and he bought me ice cream. We actually get ice cream together every year on that day still. He insists on celebrating it because he says that's the day I finally decided it was an ok thing for me to be loved." Taemin's laugh was sad and worn. He wiped tears from his eyes. Jongin waited patiently while Taemin remembered, holding him as tight as he dared. 

"Part of the reason I moved out was because it was time, and part of it was because he'd been using me as an excuse to keep Kibum at arms length for basically years even though they'd obviously been in love since I'd known them. They're my parents in every way that matters. I didn't want that for them. So I needed to go for all of us. When I first moved here, I had nightmares every night, that I'd go to Jjong's and they would just all be gone. It took me so long to feel safe being alone again, to believe that this kind of alone could be different, positive. It's probably the real reason I used to pass out in the studio all the time." He sighed deeply

"Then you showed up and just flew past every one of my extremely well oiled defense mechanisms. I guess I hadn't fully realized how scared I was to have another person I loved in my life, to have someone who had the power to reject or discard me."

"You being at work every day so I can't see you or touch you, but my stuff having been moved when i wasn't around...I...it just brought back that old nauseous feeling. The feeling in my bones that my life was to tenuous to afford me real connection. That you'd realize how fundamentally flawed I was and leave...or I don't even know. It's been...the hiding food again... I know it doesn't make sense but I can't stop. I just get so scared and for whatever reason I think well if I end up with nothing again at least I have these two sodas and these fucking snacks. He can rip my heart out but he can't take these snacks. At least the snacks are safe....it's.... I'm so scared Nini. I'm sorry I yelled at you. You didn't deserve it and I know this isn't an acceptable excuse ever. I know that there is no acceptable excuse ... You deserve to understand why at least." Taemin hung his head, listless. 

Jongin held Taemin still, "I can't touch that sport fleece stuff. It makes me feel like my skin is going to jump off my body." 

Taemin's blank stare barely registered Jongin's seeming non sequitur. 

"I physically can not drink coffee, it tastes like poison to me. Honestly I don't know how you do it. That shit is vile." 

Taemin blinked at him in mild offense. 

"If I get upset enough, I can only eat chocolate or chicken." 

Taemin finally turned to look at him with a sad guarded expression.

"We both have stuff Taeminnie. Just about every person I have ever known, even parents and friends have always informed me I am equal parts to much and not enough. What am I even supposed to do with that? What I mean is, I'm scared to death too. You're not broken baby. If you need to keep snacks in the pillow cases until you feel more safe in this relationship. Well you can use mine too. It doesn't bother me. I'm not even a little freaked out." 

Nini leaned over and kissed his hair, "Thank you for telling me Taeminnie, I know it's scary to talk about things like this, that people think of as weird or whatever. Would it be ok if I touch you a little more baby?" 

Taemin nodded disjointed and spacey. Jongin pulled Taemin into his lap again "Thank you for letting me take care of you, like you take care of me Taeminnie." Jongin just kept talking, holding him, doing his best to soothe him.

"You know one good thing Taemi, is that tomorrow is the last day of final season for me. Thank fuck. It's to much. I'm so tired of all the talking and talking and talking... would it be ok if after today I came and sat with you while you're practicing? I'll be quiet I promise. I can grade or write. I think maybe it might be nice and affirming for both of us right now."

Taemin looked at him, a little vacant, "You want to hang out with me?" 

Nini kissed his temple, his jaw, his ear, "Of course I do Minnie, You're the love of my life. I don't say that lightly. Being with you feels like the radiance of the sun on my skin. I love you so much it physically hurts in the best ways. I've basically been afraid to ask you what was going on for fear you would tell me I was a mistake and needed to leave. So you're not the only one who fell into a bad pattern here right? But I think now that we know we can hopefully talk it through. See these things coming and hopefully not wholesale trauma trigger each other." , That actually reminded Nini of something.

"Actually speaking of soulmates. The night that I went to watch you sing. Did you at anytime see someone sit at my table with me?" 

"No, but the lights are bright. I can't really see that much and I was focused on giving you a perfect performance." Taemin blinked in embarassment, pressing his face into Nini for assurance, at the confession. 

"Taeminnie, didn't you just tell me recently that I don't have to be perfect to be perfect for you? The same goes for you, you know?" 

"Fuck I dunno, That's very paraphrased ... but I think I get what you're saying. Honestly baby, pursuit of perfection has always been my most default defense mechanism. I don't know that I can just let that go. But I will try to remember.", He laced his fingers with Jongin's.

Nini laughed softly. "Taeminnie you also don't have to be perfect at not trying to be perfect, ok?" Nini kissed Taemin's cheekbone, "Hmm so you didn't see anyone? That's inconclusive I guess. It's still so weird though, oh I should show you the locket...crap where is the locket? Baby you remember that weird coin I had when we met?" 

Taemin pulled Nini down on the bed beside him, shoving the odd snack food out from under them, "Yeah of course. I kept it. It seemed...I don't know important. It's in my jewelry box." 

"You did?" Jongin was awash with love again, they were going to work through all this just fine. He loved Taemin so much, "Wow babe. You mean that giant installation piece you call a jewelry box? You kept it? That makes me feel things...what did you call it emotional and horny? homotional? Emorny?" Jongin laughed. 

"Did you just give that unholy pairing a ship name?" Taemin looked at Nini with awe and bafflement. 

"What? I feel like it will come in handy with us, and anyway! That night while you were singing, the person who gave me that coin, from the bookstore, showed up, said some wild cryptic shit. Did I already tell you this? I can't remember. Then they gave me a matching broken locket and disappeared. It was so weird. They told me to keep it close, that it could help me or something? But I haven't seen it since? Shit." Nini wasn't sure why he felt so ill at ease about the loss. Only that in some weird way it felt like that person had helped them find each other. He didn't like that he had lost it. What if it was important?

"Well, we sorta undressed all through the house Nini Bear. I'm sure it'll turn up." Taemin seemed so sure, he decided to just have faith in Taeminnie even if he was having trouble having faith in himself. 

"If you really aren't leaving me, I do have something for you... seeing as, I guess you don't hate me." Taemin jumped up in an anxious rush and ran out of the room. He came back from where Nini wasn't sure, with a simple black gift box. 

He handed it to Jongin and waited, obviously on pins and needles. Inside the box was a simple, sturdy, elegant chain necklace, with a lock in the back and a small o-ring in the front. It was fine enough to hide under clothes, fancy enough to look beautiful when he didn't have to cover it, and tough enough to wear 24/7 if he wanted to. Along with the day collar were two simple bracelet style cuffs made out of the same chain with the same locking system. They had what appeared to be bangles on each of them, upon closer inspection they had a tiny connection system....so they could have a certain amount of functionality. They were gorgeous. They were perfect. 

Nini looked up from his present with huge, shocked, happy, puppy eyes, to Taemin who was unsuccessfully trying to feign some sort of apathy.

"These are for me?" He ran his thumb over the shiny little o-ring. 

"Yeah, of course. I know buying things for you doesn't make up for what a fuck head I've been being, but hopefully it will communicate an intent to do better?" Taemin was a little unsure of himself, he wasn't sure if Jongin would understand or care. 

Nini breathed in awe, overwhelmed by the roller coaster emotions, from thinking he was being dumped to getting what amounted to a promise ring at least...if not an engagement or wedding ring. Jongin had known plenty of people who took their collaring ceremony much more seriously than the legal paperwork or elaborate commitment ceremonies that made them spouses. 

He held the box out to Taemin with pleading eyes hoping he would understand. Thankfully he did. Really anytime they focused on each other all the other stuff fell away... what was between them was always able to flow organically. 

Taemin took the box with trembling hands, kneeled in front of Jongin, and put both the collar and pretty decorative cuffs on him. He didn't move once he was done, riveted in place, Jongin's infinite eyes held him there. With more care than Taemin thought he'd ever felt, he reached out and held his hand over the little O-ring which was also over Nini's heart. They stayed like that for how long neither of them knew, touching in quiet ways and looking into each other's eyes. Finally Jongin spoke,

"Thank you Taemi, for working so hard to trust me. I know it doesn't come easily or quickly for you. I don't expect this to be a wedding ring but I am so honored to have bestowed upon me the honor of being yours."

"Now when I am worried, I have this to remind me. When you are worrying, all you have to do is feel my heart and see that I am still yours, will always be yours... I will always be happy to send you a selfie to remind you any time you need that reminder when we are apart. To remind you that you are my heart too. Because I love you so much Taeminnie and I never want you to worry that I would leave you alone with nothing but a can of soda." 

Nini thought of something, "do you have to go back to practice?" He tried to not be overly clingy

"I texted Jjong and told him I couldn't come back tonight. I think he assumed we're fucking." Taemin hadn't moved from his spot in front of Nini but the question seemed to jostle him back awake. He slowly stood up but didn't really move away, leaning into Jongin as much as he dared. 

Nini looked up at him in his full sad eyed puppy pout glory. Taemin didn't quite understand, "You want to...when I've been so terrible?" 

"I want to love you Taeminnie. Please let me love you. The only way this works is if we learn how to communicate and coexist together. We can't do that if either of us are hiding ourselves. Loving you doesn't have to be about sex right now. We can sit and watch a movie. We could read each other poems or even chapter books. Just so long as I can see you and be close to you. I'm sorry. I know I'm clingy. This week has drained me to death, I miss you, and this has been really emotional...but you don't have to cater to my neediness. I know it's to much sometimes. I can turn it off...sort of.", Nini did his best to physically withdraw in support of his disclaimer. 

"Please don't Nini", Taemin settled beside him, "please don't. You don't have to feel like you're to much. Fuck have you met me? I'm like the very definition of to much in hilarious neon rainbow meme form. You aren't to much for me. I've never had this, not really even when I was little. Even the people who have loved me it's been mostly from afar. I'm just as needy Jonginnie I'm just so useless at communicating my emotions but I need it to, want it to, the closeness with you."

"For fucks sake Nini, we've been busy for four days and I had an entire tantrum over a spoon. A spoon. Wtf? I couldn't just ask you to touch me? I think that was really mostly the problem I just felt like if you could go four days without touching me, needing me, wanting me...than you could go forever. I know it's ridiculous. I just couldn't stop panicking more and more. So fuck baby please know you are always welcome and wanted in any capacity...and fuck I will work on saying before I'm hitting despair because fucking wow am I embarassed." Taemin was still obviously raw and emotionally hung over from all the stess.

"Ok Taeminnie in that case, please stop beating yourself up. You don't have to be embarassed...and lay down, no literally lay down. I'm squishing you. I mean that, just squishing." 

Taemin laid down as directed for once, and Nini did just lay on him. Taemin thought it was going to be ridiculous or panicky but he actually found it really relaxing. He loved the way Jongin smelled, the way he felt, the way he tasted... and apparently he loved being his pillow. For the first time in several days he felt hope. This had been exhausting and scary but Nini didn't reject him ... and most importantly they were able to talk their way through what had started as a serious though senseless fight. He fell asleep before he even realized he was sleepy. 

They slept that night entwined, dreaming of each other, with a little more understanding of each other's lives and a little more confidence in their love for each other. 

Knowing and believing the depth of their love for each other, the ways they individually struggled with feeling loved, the hurt they each carried with them and how that might impact how they related to each other. It was ultimately a painful but necessary lesson.

The transmutation of will into action

An important step

Prayers to infinity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard for me to write. I am so sorry Nini and Taemi. 
> 
> It was important for them to be working actively on being together, understanding each other, loving each other in action and not just intent.
> 
> Next chapter should be much less sad/angsty


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CN: Jongin and Jonghyun are going to talk about their depression in this chapter. 
> 
> It's not graphic, or even particularly negative, a thing some of us experience, myself included. But I don't want anyone who can't read that to stumble upon it.
> 
> This chapter is almost entirely emo fluff

There was a lot that could be said about ceilings. They kept you dry for one, and- 

"Nini Baby, what are you wearing tonight, are we doing matchy?" Taemin stopped to really look at Jongin sprawled out on the bed staring very intensely at the ceiling, "Baby Bear... Hey Nini honey what's up?" 

"Ahh... nothing... nothing is up except all our friends are coming over, most of whom are actually even my friends, and I am a nervous wreck. I don't even know why, but it's frustrating.", Jongin sighed. 

"Oh you need squished don't you?", Taemin kissed his face and laid on his chest, "so you wanna argue with me about poetry? Would that help?"

Nini sighed, "Sadly it really probably would...you smell really nice Taeminnie...thank you." 

"You don't have to thank me, who was it who told me we both have stuff. If you're gonna expect me to not be embarassed about my stuff, you're gonna have to not be embarassed about your stuff. It's the rules. I know because I made the rules. I have a title, Baby Bear's Everything...so you see you have to fucking listen to me." He thumped Nini's chest. 

"Holy shit you are ridiculous", Nini laughed quietly into Taemin's hair.

"Call me ridiculous again, I might make you call me Your Everything while you're trying to have an orgasm...and anyway did it work?", Taemin rested his chin on his hands so he could sort of look up at Jongin. 

"Yes it worked, I feel better ish... also if possible to say with out entering ultra clingy boyfriend territory, you are my everything... so go for it. It would just be the truth." Jongin finally stirred to put his arms around Taemin. 

"Nini Baby Bear, you aren't to much or to clingy. Stop it or you're gonna make me break out my boss voice, and we both know we don't have time for that. I'm just gonna grab a couple outfits for you and you can pick so it's less overwhelming." 

Taemin started to get up, Jongin pulled him back down, nuzzling him, "Taeminnie I love how you always smell like home. I think you will always smell like home. I'll be ok as long as you're here with me...but I don't want to have to pick right now. I want you to pick... something that shows off my pretties.", He rubbed the little O-ring on his day collar with affection. 

"Ok baby bear, I'll pick, are you ready to get dressed?" Taemin knew he'd happily lay here with Jongin as long as it took for him to be ready for the big night. 

"Yeah I'm ready. Taeminnie? I love you so much. Really, so fucking much." Jongin slowly sat up, he was still a little out of it, but getting there. 

Taemin immediately started bustling around in the giant room he used as a closet, "I love you so much too...so check out these ridiculous bear t-shirts I found? Aren't they adorably terrible? They are adorably terrible, and of course I couldn't resist. Anyway, I thought it might be really funny since they are probably expecting super fancy Diva Taemin, to instead just go with comfy jeans and these ridiculously adorable old married weirdo couple t-shirts." He handed the slightly larger t-shirt to Jongin. 

"You're just trying to make sure I dress comfortably aren't you? Lee Taemin...you really are my Everything. Fuck. Baby if you want to dress beautiful, please don't feel like you have to be silly on my account ok?"

Taemin eyed him in amusement, "Jonginnie do I seem the type to not dress the way I want to ever? No I won't make you answer that cursed question, because I assure you I am not that person. Your brain is being nervous, as usual, tell it to shut the fuck up and I will reward you in an infinity of sexy ways. Put on your damn t-shirt." His tone was firm, loving, and amused. 

Jongin put on the shirt. 

"Awe my baby bear wearing a baby bear t-shirt. I am going to die of precious. Come on my love let's go do this party thing." He put his hand over Jongin's heart, which was also where the little O-ring lay. Nini closed his eyes and agreed with a smile. He felt better. He was with Taemin and everything would be fine. It was time to co-mingle the families.

\---------

The first people to show up were Jonghyun and Kibum, expecting for it to be a typically dramatic, over the top Taemin event that would require a lot of frantic last minute planning and possibly a ladder. They were visibly surprised to find them calm, with almost everything done...and in teddy bear t-shirts. 

The next people to show up were Minseok and Junmyeon who thought they'd have to talk Jongin out of an anxiety hole before such a big social event, and were equally surprised to fine him happily hanging off his boyfriend, talking to Jonghyun and Kibum...just talking to them... telling jokes even. They were in teddy bear t-shirts, it was unexpected.

And thus their friends began to realize what Taemin and Jongin already knew, they were extremely good for each other in a million different ways. There was balance between them that contributed directly to both of their abilities to thrive. If any of their friends had any secret concerns about the speed and nature of their relationship, those concerns ended that night. No one could look at them and not see how glowingly in love they were. Neither of them being people who easily trusted anyone out of their social circle, their closeness, their obvious trust in each other was notable. 

Despite Jongin's anxieties about getting everyone together, it actually went wonderfully. There was one brief tense moment the first time Baekhyun and Kibum crossed paths. They both could have an extremely acerbic sense of humor and no one knew for sure how they would react to each other. 

They sized each other up in the shape of snark, gave every one in the room but Jonghyun, an absolute panic, and then collapsed laughing on each other. It was hilarious to them that everyone freaked out so much over a couple jokes. A friendship made in the cold fear of Chanyeol's heart was born that night. They spent the rest of the party toasting each other's wit, with champagne and competitively snarking everyone else. 

Chanyeol who was used to having Baekhyun on his own arm didn't really know what to do with himself. Jonghyun who always seemed to be keeping emotional tabs on everyone stepped in and started chatting with Chanyeol. Which was how he found out that Chanyeol played every instrument on earth basically, and that both he and his beautiful husband, currently acting as Kibum's arm candy, had lovely singing voices. By the end of the night they had both been invited to perform with 5Shinee if they ever wanted to...they both definitely wanted to. 

So the families were coming together. 

Minseok, Junmyeon, Minho, and Onew gravitated to one corner with a flotilla of extremely, aggressively, rainbow mixed drinks to grump about all these sassmouth juniors. Taemin coo'ed at their adorableness and started referring to them as My Four Dads, then everyone started referring to them as 'My Four Dads', at which point they called everyone ungreateful and decided to find somewhere there were no 'very annoying children' 

Later there would be a very giddy party rumor that they were all making out somewhere in the house. But since no one really wants to see all their dads making out it was unanimously decided that absolutely no one was interested in verifying how true that rumor might be. 

It was at this point that Jonghyun decided he was absolutely at his team dad breaking point, because he was certain he did a huge chunk of the family emotional labor (he did and does), and if he could be so easily replaced by four drunk queens with their hands down each other's pants, then he demanded a raise and a promotion. The final verdict then was that he would hence forth be known as the family fairy godmother, which he decided was regal enough to be acceptable even if he was still a little bitter about his title being so easily stolen away. 

Taemin gleefully pointed out that Jonghyun was also a drunk queen and most likely the only reason he didn't have his proverbial or literal hand's down his partner's pants was because, said partner was currently very loudly and fervently singing Boa songs with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. They were actually doing amazingly well but please don't tell them that or it would get even more loud and fervent. Seeing Kibum so happy made Jonghyun really emotional in the right sort of way. 

"Taeminnie...I can't tell you how happy I am for you. There was a long time when you were young... even not long ago... I was so worried that your trauma was to bad to ever let anyone but us into your heart again. I should have had faith in you baby. Of course you found this perfect for you man... and his whole extended family. Look at this party Taeminnie, all these people that love you two so damn much. Not fans, not scene kids, not just us...you have all these important people here. Baby I can see in your face how much you already love them just because they love him and I really am so proud of all the work you've done to heal yourself. All the difficult emotional work you've done to be here now and ready for all this love." Jonghyun hugged Taemin while he snuffled a little. 

"Oh my fuck Jonghyun Hyung, babe you are being so dramatic. It's just a party.", He hugged teary Jonghyun back though. 

"You're so ungrateful. The most ungrateful. Children are so rude."

"You're rude, you're crying at my party. So selfish. I'm gonna mic you and pipe it into the household sound system", they both laughed at the absurd empty threat. 

Jonghyun sighed happily, "You always know when I need hugs and when I need to be told to knock my shit off...I guess you've been a grown up for years after all." 

"Ugh, you're such a sappy drunk", Taemin laid his head on Jonghyun's shoulder, "I'm still so scared though. When does that go away?" 

"Ohh baby, it might not. Especially since in your case the fear comes from actual abandonment of the very people who were supposed to protect you." Jonghyun laid his head on Taemin's head, halfway to be silly and halfway to be close, "but Taemi, talk to him when you feel that way. He loves you so much. I know he wants you to feel safe, he radiates care when he's around you... speaking of which, where is the soulmate in question?" 

"He headed down the hall about 20 min ago, Hyung would you mind going and checking on him? It's probably just to loud out here, but I'm worried and I need to do the host thing." 

"Yeah of course Baby." He stood up to go in search of the magical disappearing Jongin. 

"Check in smaller spaces with low lighting first. Please come and get me if he can't seem to talk really or seems to be having a panic attack...and JJong you and Kibummie are the only real dads of my heart and history, you always will be" His smile spoke of years and years of familial love. 

"Wahh hush child, you're going to make me really cry... again. I love you too my sweet sweet child. One of the luckiest days of my life was the day Jo Kwon called me. You are my son in every way but legally and I love you so so much Taeminnie. Let me go before I get tears on your adorable weirdo old married people t-shirt." 

"Ugh. You get me dad, thank you so much, for back then, today, and every day in between. It's been a blessing and always will be." Taemin lovingly pushed him in the direction of the hall and wiped his eyes before anyone could catch him being so misty eyed. He sat back and watched his family growing for a minute. He was glad that years of performing had made him good with names, so many new people he only knew from Jongin's stories.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo had joined the impromptu Boa homage concert. They were both also really powerful vocalists. At first Taemin had been surprised that all of Jongin's friends were all so musically inclined. That was until he remembered that except for Sehun who was a childhood friend, and his boyfriend Yixing, Jongin's friends were almost all his performing arts department peers. He tried to imagine Baekhyun quietly instructing young adults in vocal techniques the way Jonghyun taught him... He couldn't quite get his head around this explosive, charismatic, silly, comedian who'd been non-stop telling dick jokes since he arrived, being that... responsible. Even though he obviously was that responsible for a living. Maybe life was full of minor unlikely miracles. 

Taemin shook his head, that might have been the sappiest thing he'd ever thought. Thank fuck he hadn't said it out loud. No witnesses, whew... and even if he had, the only other people in the room were Yixing and Sehun. They were in their own little couple universe. Sehun was laying in Yixing's lap, shoving his hands in his face, and just being generally intentionally annoying and then dying laughing about it. Judging by the impossibly fond expression on Yixing's face and the way he barely reacted to all the obvious baiting, he was clearly used to it and didn't mind at all. It was really quite romantic. The way they obviously suited each other in such an unexpected way. 

Oh no, he'd done it again, Jongin had turned him into the softest squishiest person...he should thank him for that. He never really realized how good all this sweetness could feel...but still he decided it was time to join the Boa cover concert before he went to far into sappy overboard. 

Singing with everyone was fun, magical. Jonghyun had been right, as usual. He really did already love all these people and didn't even mind... speaking of small unlikely miracles, that had to be the most unlikely and the most miraculous. They all kept singing for quite a while. 

\------

Jonghyun thought that if he was going to look in cozy spaces for Jongin, the most Taeminnie cozy place in the whole house was definitely the third bedroom he'd remodeled into a huge walk in closet. It was pretty dark in there but once his eyes adjusted, there was indeed a Jongin curled up in one corner, squished behind a rack of soft flowing robes and lounge wear. He was pretty sure Jongin knew he was there but just in case he didn't, he was particularly quiet and soft, "Hey Jongin ssi do you mind if I sit with you for a little bit. Taeminnie was a bit worried about you. He sent me to check on you since he is hosting. He takes hosting extremely seriously if you didn't notice." He laughed quietly and settled down to give Jongin time if he needed it. 

"Yeah you can sit with me, I'm ok though. It was just getting to loud out there. We've been doing this thing where we try not to pretend we don't have stuff...so here I am. It's nice in here, it always smells like Minnie. I kind of love it...but Jonghyun ssi I don't want to overstep but umm you're basically my father in law right? You don't have to be formal with me unless of course you would prefer it? Ugh, how am I a professional poet and so useless at talking to people?" Jongin flailed in embarassment. 

"It's ok, I get what you're saying, shall I call you Baby Bear like Taeminnie does?" 

Jongin thumped his head lightly against the wall behind him, "Oh hell no. Please don't, for so very many reasons...but you could call me Nini, all my family does. That's definitely you now too." 

"Ok Nini", Jonghyun smiled fondly at him, "you can call me Hyung too, if you want...since you're basically my son in law and everything." He leaned back against the wall beside Jongin. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Nini cleared his throat.

"Jonghyun...Hyung can I ask you a question...or maybe two?" 

"Sure Nini", the small dark space was so quiet and peaceful, they both found themselves naturally speaking with a particular gentleness.

"Only if it doesn't cross their boundaries to answer of course, but Hyung... What was Taemin doing breaking into dance clubs when they were barely teenage... Did their parents kick them out?", Jongin didn't quite realize he was nervous fidgeting with the dangle on one of the cuff bracelets. 

"It's funny you know, how well you two already know each other. They told me you'd probably ask if you had an opportunity, that they couldn't or wouldn't really talk about it... That I could explain what I knew if I felt comfortable", he patted Jongin's knee.

Jonghyun took a deep contemplative breath, "No they did not kick him out. But only just barely so. When he came to live with me...well with us sort of, after I realized how bad things were for him. I insisted on calling his mom of course though he kept telling me she wouldn't care or that she would just be relieved. He was a literal child at the time. Honestly I thought he must have been exaggerating. He wasn't unfortunately. She basically washed her hands of him immediately. She didn't ask me anything about myself for his safety. I mean, I was basically a teenager myself, only barely a grown man... trying to start something magical and positive with my friends. I left all my contact information for her if she wanted to reach out to him. She never once did. It was a little tough for us all for awhile. The five of us we lived together, performed together, basically grew up together.", He closed his eyes immersed in his memories. 

"I understand if this isn't my place to ask, I'm just being nosey I guess. But he told me that moving out was really hard for him, scary, but that he was worried that you were using him as an excuse to not be with Kibum...but you guys do appear to be together now? I'm not sure what my question is exactly? I just want to understand why he felt so driven to do something that scared him so much, I guess." 

"Ahhh so he's been telling all the family secrets huh? Well I guess that makes sense. You're family now after all. It wasn't my proudest time I guess. I've always....I don't know how to explain it Nini, life weighs on me so heavily sometimes. Back then I thought I could hide it from them indefinitely as long as I didn't let them get to close. The things we tell ourselves right? Of course they knew and loved me anyway."

This time it was Nini's turn to comfort Jonghyun, "I thought that might have been part of it. It's surprisingly awkward to work, so adopted dad in law, do you too struggle with depression? Shall we start a club?... I guess this is my attempt at that", they both laughed quietly. 

"You too huh?" 

"Yeah" 

"Does Taemin know?" 

"Yeah" 

"That's good, I'm glad" 

"I think in a way I remind him of you, not directly maybe, but that he's comfortable relating to me and my empathy, because he related to you in a similar manner first, so it feels safer to him?" 

"Me. Really?"

"Yeah, of course really Hyung." 

"Fuck. You're gonna make me cry again. Who knew I'd be this emotional about my baby growing up and getting married.", Jonghyun wiped his eyes. 

Before Jongin could protest that they weren't married...yet, they heard a rustle and footsteps from the doorway, the sillouete spoke, "Ahh there you two are, Taemin is getting progressively more anxious about his overt lack of arm candy. Are you coming out, or shall I tell him you are moving in here permanently?" 

Jonghyun chuckled, "Kibummie honey, we were just talking about the bad old days. Join us for a minute? Then we'll come on out." 

Kibum sat down beside Jonghyun, "Babe you've been crying.", He fussed over Jonghyun, wiping his tears. 

"No it's fine, all happy tears I swear. I'm just a little bit happy whelmed, that's all" 

Kibum took his hand, "It's hard to believe isn't it, our little trouble maker all grown up, starting his own family...maybe we should get them a puppy...four puppies.", You could almost hear the power of his smirk in the dark. 

"I'm sorry to be making everyone worry", Jongin sighed, "I really am mostly fine. It's just loud out there...and maybe I'm a little used to getting Taemi to myself when we're home." 

Kibum smiled at him, "It can be hard loving someone that passionate, and that passionate about performing", Jonghyun looked like he was going to interrupt but Kibum swatted his leg first, "you hush babe, I was just about to say, but it's worth it. Sharing them with the whole world can feel daunting, until you realize that what you get in exchange is a whole world of love. There isn't much love greater or more powerful than that."

"You know", Jonghyun had a knowing eager smile, "You are also a performer oh great love of mine" 

Kibum playfully pushed his shoulder, "Did I say I'm easy to love? I know I'm not easy to love." 

"You are though Kibummie...and anyway easy to love is over rated. But judging from my experience if easy to love was a thing, you have been so wonderfully easy to love." Jonghyun kissed Kibum's fingertips, "and before you call me the family sap, he is as well now. I'm no longer the only family sap so you are going to have to find something else to fake scold me over". 

Kibum laughed, "Oh honey I can scold you about anything I want. Don't get it confused." 

Jongin loved seeing how much they still loved each other after so many years together. He hoped he and Taemin would be that in love in 12 years, 15 years. They seemed to be lost in each other so he quietly got up and took himself back to the party. They needed the privacy more than he did in that moment.

\-----

After two or three rounds of songs, Taemin decided he needed to sit out for a minute and have a drink. It was to easy for him to get a little to hyperfocused on the performance in a casual setting. He didn't really need to bring the house down right now. These people were his family. 

He was rooting around in the fridge for something that sounded tasty when he was startled, "I hope you know what you're doing.", It was Kyungsoo standing casually just a few steps away from him. How was he so quiet? 

"Excuse me?", Taemin put on his warmest professional smile until he understood where this conversation was going. 

"I hope you mean it, the promises you're making him, moving in together, the collar, the instant family. You better mean it, because he tells a great story about how healthy his boundaries are... and they are except when he loves someone. Taemin ssi he's incredibly loyal, potentially self destructive levels of loyal. He will turn himself inside out for this promise if he has to. So I hope you understand that you can't promise him all this ... Happy ever after and then take it back when it suits you. Don't do that to him." 

Oh was that all, Taemin took a moment to focus a little so he didn't come off a little to edgy, "I do understand that about him. I promise you Kyungsoo, as long as he wants me in his life, I will want to be in his. I do not take this lightly either. Jonginnie... He's my heart, my breath. I swear to you I never want to hurt him." 

"Ok, I'll hold you to that" Kyungsoo clomped Taemin awkwardly on the shoulder and suddenly broke into a sunny smile the mood shift was... almost alarming. Taemin didn't even have time to respond before he turned back to rejoin Chanyeol in a rendition of an English song about wanting to be really rich. It was charming with their lovely rich voices. Taemin really really liked Jongin's friends. They obviously loved and understood him. 

Just when he was considering sending a third person in search of Jongin, he walked around the corner, looking soft and cozy. Just seeing him made his heart speed up, "Hey baby there you are. Are you ok?" Taemin immediately opened his arms to invite Jongin to curl into him, their favorite way of being close when people were around, "I think I've missed you Baby Bear, you've made me the squishiest...so squishy I don't even care anymore.", He kissed Jongin's forehead. 

"I'm sorry baby. I was just taking a quiet break and then Jonghyun Hyung and I got to talking.", He kissed Taemin's neck and breathed him in, happy. 

"Where are my official unofficial fathers anyway?" Taemin didn't think he'd ever loved or wanted anything as much as he loved the simple act of being close to Nini, his Nini.

"Oh they're in the closet"

The entire front room stopped what they were doing to look at Jongin in shock and mild what the fuck horror. Nini was incredibly embarassed, "Ugh, I mean, they are in the walk in closet, talking", he covered his face with his hands. Taemin tried really hard not to laugh as everyone else grumbled and went back to what they were doing. 

"Look Nini Baby, it's our family. I feel so fucking happy baby. I love you so much." He ran his fingers through Jongin's hair. He didn't think he could ever go back to the way his life was before. It wasn't that it was bad. It had been totally fine. But this was so much better than fine, fine could only feel like an emotional desert after the gift of having Nini and his infinite care and love in his life. 

"Hey Taeminnie I love you and all your family too. They've been so kind to me. I can't believe how lucky I feel right now, with you, with all of them. Thank you baby.", Nini pressed his lips against the pulse point in the warm hollow of Taemin's throat. It always warmed his heart to feel Taemin's heart beat against his mouth like that. It was a little like heaven somehow. Taemin was his heaven, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting to the end of this story... only I think 3 or 4 more chapters left depending on how many side quests they end up going on. 
> 
> I'm not sure I'm ready to let them go though.


	10. Chapter 10

Knock knock knock

It was weird knocking on the door of the house he'd lived in until very recently. Nobody was answering, typical. Jongin sighed and tried one more time, louder. 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Okay okay okay!", He could hear yelling from somewhere in the house. Baekhyun answered the door looking extremely disheveled and slightly breathless. 

"Oh I'm sorry Hyung, I can come back later.", Jongin wilted into a defeated pout.

"No no you might as well come in Nini, Channie has to get ready for work anyway. Are you ok?" 

Nini stepped in and drifted towards the living room, "Yeah I'm ok...I was just I dunno... I guess I wanted to ask your advice Baek" 

"Yeah of course Nini what's up?" Baekhyun encouraged him to sit down. Chanyeol popped in abruptly. 

"Yahh I want to help too. I give great advice!" Chanyeol looked indignant. 

"I know you do Hyung," Nini didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, "it's just that the advice I need is about something I don't think you've ever experienced." Chanyeol huffed offense and went back to getting ready.

Jongin turned to Baekhyun, "Baekhyun Hyung when you and Chanyeol got together, he was a star athlete of some sort right? ... and you were a choir geek?, He grimaced awkwardly hoping he hadn't offended Baekhyun. Luckily he just laughed. 

"Yeah, Nini, what about it?" 

"Well... Umm... were you ever intimidated by how popular he was?" 

Baekhyun scoffed, "Of course not!" 

"Baeky Baby, You know that's not true", Chanyeol yelled from the bedroom. He stepped in and leaned against the door jam as he continued, "It took me months to talk you into going on one date with me. You were so afraid some football player or cheerleader would catch my eye. But he's the only person I ever looked at even back then. So he did all that worrying for nothing!", Chanyeol stuck his tongue out at Baekhyun and went back to getting ready. 

"Ok, fine yes. It scared me. He was so gorgeous and charismatic, I was not so much. I knew he could literally have anyone he wanted. I couldn't imagine why I would be that person for him." He fidgeted a little in the emotional discomfort of not deflecting with dick jokes. 

Chanyeol yelled from their bedroom, "You were always gorgeous Baekhyun ah, don't be ridiculous!"

Jongin ignored Chanyeol's commentary. He shook his whole body with strength of his emphatic nod, "How did you get over it Hyung?" 

"Well... I didn't really. I just decided he was worth the risk and that if I really thought he was that amazing and wonderful... That a person that amazing and wonderful wouldn't lie to me about his feelings. For awhile I was nervous when he went to games or frat activities. Anything, any fun he had, could have been the day he found the real person he was supposed to be with. But every time, over and over, he came back to me. He kept choosing me even when I was a ball of catty anxious energy, when I got testy and a little to mean. He just kept choosing me. Eventually I realized that it was me holding us back by choosing not to believe in him. He had given me no reason to distrust him..." Baekhyun paused, considering what to say next.

"have you talked to Taemin about these feelings Nini? We all see how much he loves you." 

Jongin threw himself further back into the couch. His whole body was an awkward sprawl, "A little? But fuck I don't know... he's so beautiful Baekhyunnie. He's so beautiful and he scares me so much. I can't bear the thought of losing him...but our lives and schedules are so different. Someday he is going to find someone that can actually go to the bar with him almost every night, someone who isn't terrified of people, someone who can stay up till dawn without having to worry about tomorrow's responsibility. Why me Hyung? He's to beautiful, to talented. He deserves someone as brilliant and talented as he is. Not awkward walking panic attack professor Kim Jongin." He covered his face with his hands trying to will himself to calm down. He was not being overwrought dammit. He had real concerns.

In unison Baekhyun and Chanyeol, flanked Jongin, hugging him so tight he had to tap out or face possible injury.

"Nini, you need to talk to him about this. It's clear to me, to us, that he is choosing someone as brilliant, beautiful, and talented as he is. But hon, if you are having trouble feeling that yourself, you need to talk to him about it. He's the only one who can tell you for sure how he's feeling.", Baekhyun rubbed Nini's back as he spoke. Chanyeol kept hugging. 

"You know Nini, sometimes I feel afraid like that, about Baekie. He can talk all day about how popular I was when we were kids. But we aren't kids anymore. He is so beautiful it physically hurts my heart to look at him some days. His voice is angelic. He's angelic. I'm all awkward angles, so clumsy, to emotional, to abrasive, to loud. He could have anyone he wanted with the blink of an eye or the wave of a hand. It's always felt a little unreal that I could be so blessed to still be with my first love. It's always felt like I haven't done enough to be deserving of someone so nearly perfect. On those days, on the days I don't feel enough, even knowing it's more about me then him... it's hard sometimes." He looked at Baekhyun with slightly sad, glowing, devoted, brown eyes. 

"Chanyeollie", Baekhyun looked at his partner, equally sad, equally devoted, his voice soft and concerned,"Baby you are the only one I've ever wanted. Ever. Being loved by you has spoiled me Channie. It's you or you. No one else compares. I wouldn't give that up for all the grace and mild mannered in the world" 

"So as you can see Nini, we all have our insecurities, has it occurred to you that he may be equally nervous about your academic day walker life? Talk to him Nini. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Not talking about it will only put more stress and sadness on both of you, but he won't even know why...and that's not really fair is it?" It could be easy to forget how insightful and empathetic Baekhyun was under all the smart ass but his patience for his chosen family was nearly infinite.

"No Hyung you're right, it's not. I'll try. Thank you" 

"Good, it'll be worth it I promise. Maybe, since you've seen his job in person, maybe it's time to take him to work with you. You've seen the place he is at his best and brightest. It might help you feel less outclassed, for him to see you in the environment you feel your best and brightest... and you Chanyeollie, emo love of my life, you need to go get ready for work. You're going to be late.", They hugged and kissed again before Chanyeol rushed off, wiping his eyes with an audible sniffle. 

Baekhyun smacked his ass with a giggle to distract his husband from the last of his sadness. They were definitely couple goals. Loud, annoying, totally incredibly devoted couple goals.

\------

The best thing about waking up with Taemin, besides waking up with Taemin, was how tranquil and dim it was. Blackout curtains... How had he never thought of Blackout curtains? He wanted to cover every window he would ever be exposed to in blackout curtains. Laying here in the low light, tangled up with Taemin? That was bliss. 

Jongin looked at Taemi's sleeping face. He looked like divinity...of course he always looked divine. He couldn't bear to leave the warm bed and his warm wonderful person. His person. Maybe Baekhyun was right, maybe it was time to introduce Taemin to his professional life. 

"Taeminnie, wake up, come take a shower with me. Please wake up and take a shower with me" 

Taemin stretched with a yawn, wrapping himself around Nini. The best defense was a good offense. He was only half awake, pressing little kisses into Jongin's hip bone. 

"I don't have to get up for hours though Nini. I love you but I need rest if I am gonna blow the doors off our show tonight.", Taemin kept up the pouty kisses as he rationalized staying in bed. 

"Please Minnie, you could come to work with me even. I only have two classes today. It would be fun...you could probably even help if you felt so inclined. We both know you are a stunning lyricist and poet.", Nini resorted to pokes to get a response from Taemin, "You could see where I work Taeminnie." 

"Really? You want me to go to work with you?", He finally stirred just enough to wiggle into Jongin's lap properly so he could look at him more easily. 

"Yeah of course Taemin ah" 

"... So you've taken into account that I have several visible tattoos and categorically do not straight pass...like at all?"

"Well first of all baby, the only reason I straight pass, as you put it, is because people assume everyone is hetero unless directly proven otherwise beyond the shadow of a doubt. If anyone paid the least bit of attention to who I am as a person, it would be obvious. It's obvious. I'm obvious. I'm not trying to hide or down play... except when I am actively teaching I guess but even then not really... assertive and tall-ish just reads as straight on me... apparently.", he shrugged, bemused. 

"As for your tattoos, I love every single one of them. If someone says something sideways about them, I guess I'll be forced to sit in your lap and lick every single one of them... for moral support and all.", Nini's smirk was knowing and satisfied. 

Taemin giggled, took a minute, contemplating, "yeah ok." 

"Really? Really? Ahaha yes! ... But you have to get up and get ready now, because I have to get to work on time. Come on, come on Taeminnie. We can eat breakfast together. Wakey Wakey." 

\------

School is weird. University is weirder. Taemin wasn't sure what he was expecting exactly but....he knew this neutral boring room full of boring chairs, boring walls, boring posters, and boring people was not it. He was expecting something a little more sinister maybe. The one thing in the room that wasn't boring was a person, and that person was Nini. His Nini.

Taemin sat in the front row by the far wall. He'd actually wanted to sit in the very back corner. Nini had wanted him to sit in the middle of the front row, right in front of him. No way was he gonna have all those kids behind him though. No way. So this was their compromise.

Belatedly Taemin realized there had been a real opportunity for Nini torment if he had planned ahead...but that was just as well. Because Nini was working and he was going to be a good supportive partner. 

Watching Jongin in this environment was definitely different. He was wearing black fitted slacks and a white button up, simple, and elegant...it should have been very regular looking... boring like everything else in this room. Jongin could never be boring no matter how he dressed. 

Seeing him here confident, casual...with some flavor of literary masculinity. Taemin was surprised but he liked it...a lot. He could see why Nini said that work head space was similar to Sexy Bratty Kai head space, there was an interesting parallel between this performance and that one. Taemin fairly itched to explore that. But not right now, now he was supposed to be paying attention. Wait were they talking about him? 

"But Professor who is he and why is he in our class today? Is he transferring? I'm just concerned-" 

Jongin cut her off with just the slightest edge of polite impatience, "That is quite enough Krystal. You don't have to worry about who he is. You need to worry about your school work. I will worry about him. Be reassured that I know exactly who he is and why he is here. That will have to be enough for now.", Having dismissed the discussion Jongin turned back to his lesson. 

Taemin had never really seen Jongin be that assertive outside of when he himself had been in crisis. He was kind, he took care, he helped, he fussed, and pouted. He was infinitely kind, loving, and supportive. This polite don't fuck with me, it was a new interesting thing. 

The girl, Krystal, was still scowling at him over her assignment. He was beginning to suspect she had a little bit of a crush. He must not cause trouble for Jongin though, so he could not antagonize his students no matter what. He was going to have to find an alternate entertainment. He got out his phone to cause just a teeny tiny bit of quiet trouble. 

\---

My Nini Bear 

I feel like I should change your name in my phone to something Sexy Teacher related  
. 

Pfft sure ok, does that mean you're going to be good then?   
.

I make no promises, I'm just baaad. I can't help myself  
.

Nope. This particular game is going to have to wait until this room is not full of my actual students  
. 

You're no fun

whatever shall I do if I can't torment you in public???

But seriously babe, this young woman who was "so concerned about my being here", is giving me the dirtiest looks. She's about to start a slap fight with me. Hahaha   
.

Taemi please behave yourself, please do not go tell that woman that you already fucked me. That she's to late because I already have your name on my ass. Please.   
. 

Holy Fuck. I want to put my name on your ass now. It would be glorious. 

I mean I would have been a lot more witty and catty about telling her off but fine. I guess I will be good...but only if teacher is going to reward me for my good behavior 6v6   
. 

You're impossible   
.

Whatever. You love it.   
. 

I do   
. 

Wow, you made that sappy quick. I'm embarassed for you. You truly are the master of this domain.

By the way, I am totally digging this casual don't fuck with me teacher vibe. I'd be annoyed by how fucking sexy you were if it weren't for the fact that I am the sole benefactor of that sexy... So I expect many sexy benefits later.  
. 

You're pretty confident for a man sitting in an itty bitty desk chair   
. 

Honestly, I kinda like it. Can we take one home? I can think of so many uses for it  
. 

Taeminnie   
.

What? It's not like you are going to let me fuck you on that giant, fancy, official Professor Sexpants desk of yours. So I'll make do with one of these. I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm very creative  
.

Oh I won't huh?   
.

What? What? You won't what? Wait! You will? When? How? What? 

Explain please 

Nini explain

Nini 

Nini 

Nini

Jonginnie stop ignoring me! 

\----

Jongin set his phone down with a smirk, flipped it over so he couldn't see the screen, and very slowly unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and rolled his sleeves up just enough that Taemin could see the silver glint of his pretties. Which was what he called the white gold day collar and cuffs. 

That thought made Taemin intensely emotional. He wished he could just walk up there and kiss his Nini. It was like Jongin knew this environment would make him a little unsure and in need of extra reassurance. He was thankful. It was almost the end of class already, thank fuck. There were several people nosy disapproval staring at him. It was making him extremely uncomfortable. His phone bleeped, he had been so distracted he almost jumped in surprise.

\----

My Nini Bear

Baby, just go with it ok?   
.

With what?   
. 

Just follow my lead and do that intentional casual thing you do ok?   
.

Ok?   
. 

Good. I love you beautiful.   
. 

I love you too Baby Bear but I'm still confused

\----

"Hey Taeminnie," Jongin put his stuff away as he spoke, "Are you ready to get some lunch?", He held his hand out for Taemin in invitation.

Ahhh intentional calm, Taemin understood now. 

"Yeah sure Jonginnie" Taemin slid out of his tiny desk chair and notched himself perfectly under Jongin's arm. Jongin leaned even closer and whispered into Taemin's ear, "You are the most beautiful and most interesting part of this whole room and this whole day"

Taemin couldn't help giggling and blushing. He could feel the happiness radiant between them. Love was weird. Jongin pivoted them so he could look at the class.

"All right kids, since I have a date for lunch, you have ten more minutes left, wrap up your reading and then you can go. Have a great day", the whole room burst into barely restrained whispers.

Taemin thought Jongin was the most beautiful, empathetic, and kind person he'd ever had the honor of knowing. He felt so loved. Once they were in the hall, away from prying eyes, Nini kissed his jaw bone. 

"Would it be ok if we ate lunch with faculty? It should not be anyone you haven't met yet... Maybe Namjoon or Yoongi? But everyone else you've met.", Jongin was obviously a little nervous asking.

"Really? Yeah of course. I like your friends. If you are comfortable being seen with me here... I'd like that." 

Jongin giggled softly and squished Taemin close, "Taemi you act like you're covered in mud or wandering around naked. You're wearing a stripey sweater, skinny jeans and a jean jacket. You're gorgeous and not even a little embarrassing ever. Of course I want to be seen with you. Of course I want to eat lunch with my best friends and the whole of my heart" 

"That was very smooth Kim Jongin, are you a poet by any chance?" Taemin crinkled up his whole face in amusement. Jongin didn't bother to respond, instead he kissed Taemin's palm. 

"Thank you for coming Taeminnie. Let's go get some lunch" 

\----- 

The teachers lounge was relatively quiet until Baekhyun rushed in, immediately broke into a run, leapt over a bench and landed panting at his friend's table, "Holy shit did you guys hear?" 

Kyungsoo stared at him with the exact baleful expression that terrified his students, "No Baek we did not hear, but I strongly suspect you are going to tell us whether we want to know or not" 

"You are correct Kyungsoo!", Baek shot finger guns at him and waggled his eyebrows, "Ok! So I just heard the kids talking about the hot poetry professor bringing a scary dominatrix punk chick to class with him!" 

Everyone stared blankly at Baekhyun. 

"Baekie Baby, umm I don't mean to be a downer but we both know that 'Hot Poetry Professor' doesn't date women, and he has a boyfriend...so why would he even do that?"

"Aha! Yes he does have a boyfriend doesn't he??? Because there was an alternate rumor that was being floated that the hot scary punk chick was actually an exceptionally beautiful man. Perhaps a super model, rock star, idol...or a locally famous, gorgeous, extremely magnetic, drag queen.", Baekhyun's gotcha face was victorious. 

"...ohhhh" 

"Yeah, yeahhhh, ohhhhh. I suggested he bring Taemin so he could see this part of his life and he did. Our baby is getting so big!", He clutched his heart with as much drama as he could muster.

"Well as exciting as that is, leave them alone Baekhyun ssi." Kyungsoo didn't appear excited at all. He looked mildly bored. 

"Oh whatever, you're no fun. This is exciting. It's a great sign. Betcha Betcha.", Baekhyun stuck his tongue out at Kyungsoo. 

Minseok roused himself out of his book without looking up, "Baekhyunnie we've talked about you trying to use the kid's slang. It's embarassing.", Everyone else busted up laughing, except Baekhyun who looked defiant and a little indignant. He didn't have time to rebuke the accusation. Just then the very love birds in question appeared carrying trays of questionable cafeteria food. 

"Holy Shit Nini", Chanyeol stood for the drama, "If he's eating this food for you, he really must love you" 

Taemin looked thoughtful, "He's all right I guess...but I haven't tried the food yet. We may have to renegotiate our terms", He winked, glowing with adoration at Jongin.

Before they could even sit down Baekhyun was relaying the exciting gossip again. Baek was nothing if not an equal opportunity gossip, "So Nini, I heard from your fan club that you brought a new terrifying punk rock, dominatrix, girlfriend to class with you today."

"Baek, what the fuck, could you not be rude to him please?", Jongin cringed in embarassment. 

"I literally physically can not stop. I'm not even sorry," he turned to Taemin, "so seeing as you are the dominatrix girlfriend in question, are you going to fight them for your man's pretty queer honor?" 

"Baekhyun!" Everyone at the table but Taemin yelled at once. Taemin however was laughing uproariously. 

"No no, it's fine, they aren't really wrong after all...I mean they aren't really right either but they aren't really wrong.", He winked at everyone, and poked around at the unusually uniformly brown food on his plate. 

Baekhyun slowed momentarily, "Fuck, I see what he sees in you... You are really fucking hot... And compelling ... And magnetic. No wonder those girls were intimidated. I'm slightly intimidated and you are only within a ten foot radius of my man with absolutely no interest in him. It's just visceral. Wow." 

"Ummm Baekhyun ah could you please, for all of our sakes, stop fucking fan boying over Nini's new Partner? Boyfriend? Joyfriend?", Chanyeol slowly torturously pulled Baekhyun towards him in hopes of decreasing at least some of the awkward. 

"Sure", Taemin smiled enjoying the mess just as much as Baekhyun. 

"Sure?"

"Sure" 

"So...no preference?", Chanyeol charming as he was managed to ask in a way that did not seem rude. 

"Nope, no preference barring safety concerns of course. Don't assume it's the same for everyone, but in my case as long as I believe you see me and not some fucked up assumptions based on what you think you know about my body, I don't have any preference. If I start feeling disrespected, believe me you'll know.", Taemin's smile managed to be both friendly and a little frightening. 

"Fuck, you are so hot. I aspire to be this hot and terrifying.", Baekhyun stage whispered in awe. 

"Believe me Baek, you are plenty terrifying. Please stop lusting after...well honestly anyone who is not me? How can I compete with that much awesome?", Chanyeol crumbled, pouting. 

"No baby, no one can compete with you ever. He's just a shiny new toy, No offense Taemin!", He molded himself to Chanyeol with worry, pressing affection into his beautiful cheekbones.

"It's actually...I mean, performance magnetism aside, which yes I'm using right now...but mostly because I'm nervous. I'm not perfect, an angel, deity, or demon. I'm just a person. I have things I'm insecure about, things I'm afraid of, things I hope for. I've made a million mistakes just like anyone else. The only difference between us is that I grew up performing enough that it is sometimes difficult for me to turn performing off unless I feel very very safe. Let me tell you, that is an incredibly lonely way to live even when I'm surrounded by people. That's why I'm so excited to be here getting to know you all, just being a person, just being Nini's person...and hopefully eventually your friend too." His smile was cosmic and endearing.

Nini pulled him into a warm hug that unintentionally mirrored Chanyeol and Baekhyun. 

Minseok put his book down with impetus, "I'm dating your friends", he covered his eyes in embarassment, "I mean I didn't mean that to come out like that, you're just being so sweet and vulnerable and talking about how hard that is for you, and it seemed wrong to keep it from you."

Taemin bit his bottom lip in amused endearment, "Oh I know all about that Marshmallow." He patted Minseok's hand, "The Best part about dating a member of 5Shinee is the instant tight knit loving, supportive family. The bad part about dating a member of 5Shinee is the instant tight knit loving, supportive family, that has very few secrets. Fwiw though, they both like you very much. I really hope it continues working out for everyone...we can always use more members of loveable marshmallowy grandpa line." 

For reasons that no one else understood, Minseok blushed a very pretty pink, nodded, said thank you, picked up his book, and sat mumble whimpering just the word marshmallow in embarassment. 

Taemin was extremely amused. 

Jongin sat next to him overwhelmed with love and adoration. Seeing the different parts of his heart integrating so happily felt cosmic. Love was weird. Love was wonderful. He never wanted this ride to stop. He prayed that he would always be enough for Taeminnie. The thought of losing this precious synergy made his stomach twist. 

He breathed through the fear. They were all here now, happily chatting and teasing each other. It was so precious. He loved Taemin so much. Entire galaxies of love nestled snugly in his chest. 

The sweetest, most infinite, blessing he'd ever received.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used Jongmi, as Jonghyun's drag name, because he used it in drag skits on Knowing Bros. 
> 
> Naming is hard for me and coming up with audacious drag culture stage names for all of Shinee was more than I was up for at the time.

Competition season. 

This time of year had been Taemin's favorite for so long he didn't really remember a time when it wasn't. There had always been something powerfully tantalizing about being voted the absolute best of the best by a community of your most talented peers, and then getting to celebrate that talent together. It was an important bonding ritual for him especially since he had far to few concrete connections to his communities. 

While he and 5Shinee had been one of the winning groups many times over the years, he had never had a partner or even close friend to celebrate with. He knew it was silly but he couldn't stop imagining Jongin by his side. It left something warm and nice in the pit of his stomach. He knew he should ask Jongin to come to the competition with him but for some reason he was feeling incredibly vulnerable about it ... shy even.

He didn't like how it made him feel needy insecure. He'd never invited anyone else to any of his performances, much less the big important ones. He'd never cared about anyone's approval or having a shared experience with a lover. But now he wanted it desperately, the kind of badly that left an undercurrent of scratchy discomfort under his skin. Which resulted in him continuously putting it off. 

It had gotten to the point that Nini was asking him if anything was wrong all the time. He always said 'nothing' because technically that was true, but then he just couldn't shake the weird nervous feeling in his stomach. He was terrible about feelings. Terrified of vulnerability... probably. Then Nini who was usually not terrible about feelings would ask again. Wash repeat. That just added to the pressure making Taemin feel buried.

Then before he knew what hit him, it was the weekend before the week long competition and he couldn't put it off any longer. He was just gonna have to ask and hope for the best. It would be fine, he wouldn't get his hopes up. This ridiculous situation was his fault anyway... But in the back of his mind he knew Nini would look so beautiful wound around him, in the charcoal grey and black tux he had hidden away...ok his hopes were up. Fuck. It was now or never, he just had to ask. Nini was around here grading papers somewhere. Taemin just had to ask.

"Hey Jongin ah, can I umm ask you a question?" Taemin stood tentative in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot. 

"Yeah Taemi, what's up?" Jongin always looked so proper when he was grading, wholesome. Taemin could barely look at him.

"I have this competition this week you know, it's the biggest competition of the year, biggest gathering of the year... I just thought it would be nice...it's silly I know but I got you this beautiful Charcoal suit... I thought you could come to the competition. I've never had a person to support me there I... So I thought it would be nice. No big deal if you can't of course." It was a big deal. It was such a big deal. Taemin's insides felt cold, heavy, and poisonous. 

Jongin blinked at him like an owl caught by surprise in the sun. It would be funny if it wasn't so terribly heartbreaking. The silence between them felt fatal. 

"Taeminnie", Jongin finally responded, "baby, I want to of course, but I... Can't. It's a school week. I can't just take a whole week off without warning. I'm sorry , I didn't realize you wanted me to come". 

This was a terrible idea. A terrible terrible idea, Taemin mumbled some sort of acknowledgement and back pedaled out of the room as fast as he physically could without running. His lungs refused to work. Everything seemed to close and two far away at the same time. Without quite realizing it he followed the hall to the bathroom, locked the door behind him and turned on the shower. The absolute worst part was that it was his fault. He shouldn't have asked, he knew Jongin had to work. He knew that. Behind his eyes he could see his mother's disgust echoing hot and loud after all these years. Eventually he remembered to actually get in the shower. The water was a little to hot, it stung. Good. He knew he shouldn't have asked... He'd just hoped that maybe this one time he could be worth effort, compromise. But of course not. Of course not. He'd been lying to himself just like he always did. Always always. In the shower, where no one could see, not even him, the tears finally came. He knew already. He didn't even know why he was surprised, why he felt so devastated when the outcome was predetermined. 

The water was running ice cold, teeth chattering, muscles knotted, before he noticed. Good. Selfish. Baby. Useless. Greedy. The other things people whispered behind his back that he couldn't bear to say even in his mind. But he knew. He knew. He sat dripping in the tub blankly long after he'd turned off the water. Eventually Jongin knocked on the door. Taemin couldn't let him see how upset he was. It wasn't fair, manipulative. It wasn't Nini's fault. He never should have asked. Taemin knew he worked weekdays. He was a teacher, a respectable job. No room for him in that propriety. Jongin tried his best to love him. It was a noble effort. Taemin couldn't let him see how weak he was, pathetic. It would just make him feel guilty. 

"I'm ok Nini. I get it. You don't have anything to feel guilty for", Taemin covered his mouth so no sounds would escape and give him away. 

"Taeminnie....oh....ok." 

Taemin breathed a sigh of relief that Jongin hadn't pushed him to talk. He never would have been able to keep it up. Jongin didn't deserve being sobbed on for something he couldn't help. This was his problem and his alone. 

The rest of the weekend passed in heavy, uncomfortable silence. He knew it wasn't fair to pull away from Jongin for having to work, but he couldn't stop thinking about his mother... It left him feeling small and weak. Abomination. Abomination. Abomination. 

He was almost relieved when Monday got there. They had to leave ridiculously early for them, which was regular morning time for Jongin. Despite knowing better he couldn't stop himself from asking one more time. Please baby. 

"I know you can't miss work or anything, but uhh... the last day usually lasts until late at night. Maybe you could come after work for a couple hours? For the after party at least?", Taemin tried to look calm, unaffected. 

"Taemin, why are you asking at the last possible second? I really don't think I can. It's a long drive. I wouldn't get there until to late, after a whole day of teaching." 

"Right", Taemin's world felt like it was spinning out of control. He couldn't tamp down the hurt anymore no matter how badly he wanted to, "of course, because why would you want to support me during the most important professional week of my career?" He spat the words. He hadn't meant to say it out loud. 

"What the fuck Taemin?", Jongin's voice was ragged, "Some of us have real fucking jobs and can't just go popping off whenever we want to. I'm sorry you're upset but what the fuck do you expect me to do?" 

"You're sorry I'm upset? That you have a real job? Well fuck me, I didn't realize the career I gave up my entire fucking life for isn't real enough for you. At least I'm not sucking academia's dick 24/7 because I'm to afraid to admit to anyone who I really am. So what, I'm good enough to spread for you, but not good enough to share a life? Yeah ok. I get it. Story of my fucking life. You can join the fucking club. Unfortunately I don't have time for this fucking delightful conversation, because I have to go. So I guess you have a whole fucking week to yourself to decide if you really want me and my not fucking proper real life, in yours. If you decide you don't, just don't fucking be here when I get back. Just... Just fucking don't." He slammed his way out of the main apartment, practically ran through the studio, and stalled out in the party lounge. All the glitter and gaudy. He was alone again already. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have believed he could be loved. He kicked over all the beautiful mannequins, shouting wordlessly at their pointless empty glamour He collapsed against the wall, gave himself 2 minutes to sob in the wreckage of his lounge, in the wreckage of his life. Then he really did have to go. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. Thank fuck he hadn't put any make up on yet. It was time to work. When he walked out the door, there was barely any signs that he'd just lost the one and only love of his life. 

When he climbed into the giant van they used to transport themselves and their metric ton of costume changes he was quiet and still. Jonghyun squinted his eyes at Taemin, "Hey, are you ok?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go." 

Thankfully Jonghyun didn't push it. He picked up his phone and started frantically typing. He was probably complaining to Key about Taemin being to rude. Well let him. It didn't matter. None of it really mattered anymore. He sat brooding silently for the entire almost road trip. The first half he thought maybe Jongin would call him and beg his forgiveness. By the second half of the trip the groveling phone call became hoping he would somehow already be there at the hotel when they arrived even though that didn't make sense. How could he get there before them? Still he found himself needlessly holding his breath the entire check in procedure. 

He got dressed for the first day intro party in a daze. Thankfully there was no competition on today, so all he had to do was look good and get drunk. He could do those things just fine. He thought that 5Shinee might be gossiping about him behind his back, they always seemed to stop talking when he got close but he didn't care. It didn't matter. He looked at himself in the mirror with his new shorter grey hair and the decadent black embroidered silk that defied gender binaries. He looked chic and resplendent. It was the perfect opening night outfit. He plastered a sexy smile onto his face and went to meet up with his teammates before the opening ceremony started. 

That was about how the whole competition went, Taemin performed flawlessly, didn't engage with anyone and pretended that he wasn't waiting for Jongin to show up and kiss away his tears. Gawd he wanted Jongin to kiss away his tear. But he refused to text and beg. He said what he said and though he didn't exactly mean it... He also absolutely meant it. He couldn't be with someone who saw him as inferior or an embarassment, no matter how much he loved that person. No matter how much he desperately wished it could be any other way. No matter how much he wished that he could crawl sniveling into Jongin's lap and not worry about it, sign his pride away. But that just wasn't who he was as a person. He had to be true to himself, time and time again life proved that if he didn't no one else would. 

Luckily 5Shinee hadn't noticed that he was to upset because he could not deal with the Hyungs being in worry mode right now. He just wanted to perform, eat these competitions and go home to his pathetic empty apartment and pathetic empty life. 

Tuesday he had secretly expected to see Jongin around every corner, in every new room, during every performance. Even listening to Jonghyun wax poetic about love, faith, personal growth, and hope for two hours hadn't been enough to put a dent in his mood. He'd gone to bed half drunk on Monday but Tuesday was performance time so no drinking himself to sleep. It had not gone well. Where was his hope? His Love? Thinking about it hurt. Thank goodness he had make up. Make up could cover all kinds of ills... Apparently even a broken heart. Because the Hyungs still hadn't noticed anything was wrong. He'd be offended if he wasn't so completely relieved to not have to relive his humiliation. 

As Wednesday wore on, it became more and more obvious that Jongin was not coming, that he didn't care enough to try and salvage this...that Taemin wasn't enough. He had one good cry in the shower on Wednesday morning. He hoped sincerely that Jongin was happy and found his real love. He couldn't even be petty and mad. This was all his fault after all. He hated how much he still loved Jongin, how it drowned every cell of his body, inhabited his every movement, stole his every breath. He wondered if he would always be in love with Jongin now. Was that possible? He didn't really know. He'd never been in love before. But he suspected he would be. It didn't feel passing. Jongin would always live in his heart and mind now, it was both reassuring and devastating. 

When he got out of the shower he noticed a celestial pattern in the expensive cobalt tiles. A sun and a moon, just like their book, like his dream. Somehow that gave him comfort. Whatever would be would be. He got dressed. 

By the time they were getting ready for the last round of competition on Wednesday evening he didn't really have any more hope that Jongin would show up. If he was going to, he would have already. He'd made his choice. It made his heart hurt but he felt weirdly at peace about the whole thing. He felt like the stars were whispering comfort to him. How could he be mad at the stars after all? As they did the last touches of prep before their turn Jongmi sat down beside them. 

"Danger Baby, are you ok? You seem a little reserved lately?" Jongmi was beautiful in dramatic goth eyeliner and a long silver and white dress. She always looked so fucking classy when she was dressed. The white meant she was doing 'Crazy' tonight. That seemed fitting to Danger in a humorless way. But she had a job to do right now so she needed to get it together. The reminder helped her check back into her performance headspace.

"Yeah Mom, I'm fine." She stuck her tongue out at her drag Mother and oldest most trusted friend. She was so so thankful to have 5Shinee in her life. She felt like she'd go sliding out into the night sky without them to keep her grounded. 

"Well, I know you to well to take that at face value babe, but whatever it is... Just don't give up hope yet Danger. You never know. A solution might be closer than you think." She squeezed Danger's hand. 

"I really don't think so, but thank you Mama, really. Thank you. Knowing that you care, that 5Shinee cares, is what has kept me from totally spinning out all these years." Danger squeezed her hand back, overwhelmed with thanks and sincere affection. 

"Oh I fucking know Ms Drama Queen... Really though baby, for me. Give it one more night ok? For me? " 

"Fine fine fine damn, I will continue to have hope Mother. Now will you please go away before you ruin your make up and we have to forfeit. I will never forgive you." They both laughed, they knew that was absolutely true. Danger didn't fuck around with her performances.

They were on second in that round and ate that performance like they were starving. Which was strangely apt, for some reason Danger was feeling a little wild and giddy all through the performance. It was no surprise when they won that round. It wasn't the final competition but every winner of every intermediate round got confetti and some fanfare. Everyone deserved to feel special and beautiful here. They'd all put so much work into their sets, so everyone got fuss not just the over all final winners. 

When 5Shinee got their confetti cheer, a weird hush fell over the crowd. While they were doing their victory loop, it seemed like her team mates had fallen behind. She'd barely noticed though because of the weird tension in the room. It was not a normal mid week win vibe, the air was electric like something portentous was about to happen. The whispers got louder and louder. She was a little frozen at the end of the of cat walk listening to all the gossipy whispers. What were they saying? She tried to make it out? Did they? They couldn't be? It's... It wasn't... She could hear her heart pounding in her ears over the moderate excited whispers in the room. There was an increasing air of confusion and excitement. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? 

The huge looming main doors in the theater room blew open. It was ridiculously dramatic. 

What the fuck? Could It? She felt like her body was trying to turn itself inside out. She choked weakly, gasping for breath, trying to understand what in the fuck was actually going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know leaving it like this? I'm sorry, so sorry. 
> 
> The good news is the next chapter is done all ready and just needs edited, and it's very likely I will post it today as well. Because I also hate a cliffhanger.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the finale of the main story. 
> 
> I am going to write a self indulgent fluffy afterward, but the main story is complete now. 
> 
> I can't believe it. I don't think I'm ready for it to be over.

One Week Earlier

Dread... that's what this feeling felt like, dread. The worst part was that he didn't really know why. Something was going on with Taemin... something very bad. He could see that easily, but every time Jongin asked if he was ok, or tried to sooothe him in any way, Taemin shrugged him off. At first he'd been confused, then he'd been a little hurt... and then came the crushing dread. 

He handled that dread the only way he knew how, he buried himself in his work. He left early, he got home late, he kept fucking busy at all times. He knew it was far from an ideal coping mechanism but he just didn't know what else to do in this situation. How could he fix something when Taemin insisted there was nothing wrong? 

Saturday afternoon, the disaster he'd been waiting for finally arrived. He was supposedly grading papers but actually all he was doing was sitting and staring at the back of his hand reading the same sentence over and over with an utter lack of ability to absorb any of it. He was so ragged with anxiety by that point, he could barely think. He'd been super jumpy for days, and would have had trouble talking or making any concrete choices if Taemin hadn't been so obviously avoiding speaking to or interacting with him that nothing like that ever came up.

"Hey Jongin ah, can I umm ask you a question?" Taemin stood tentative in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot. 

"Yeah Taemi, what's up?" Jongin's stomach felt like acid, like a graveyard. It didn't seem fair that Taemin would look so beautiful when he was so upset with Nini about something.

"I have this competition this week you know, it's the biggest competition of the year, biggest gathering of the year... I just thought it would be nice...it's silly I know but I got you this beautiful Charcoal suit... I thought you could come to the competition? I've never had a person to support me there I... So I thought it would be nice. No big deal if you can't of course." Taemin's smile was tepid and tinged with something unspoken. 

Jongin blinked in shock, he tried to parse the sentence he'd just heard. What? What? The competition? He'd been so freaked out he had totally forgotten about the competition. Oh no. Oh no. No. no. no. no. Not now. Not when it was to late. Why didn't he ask before? He could have taken vacation time. Oh no. 

"Taeminnie", Jongin finally responded, "baby, I want to of course, but I... Can't. It's a school week. I can't just take a whole week off without warning. I'm sorry , I didn't realize you wanted me to come". Taemin blanched, nodded in a stilted fashion and hobbled jerkily out of the room. Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He'd fucked up to badly this time. Panic swept over him, howling like an ocean. He covered his head with his hands, thump thump thumping his forehead against the desk, dimly aware he heard the shower come on across the house. 

Thump. Thump. Thump. An icy hand crawled up from his stomach to crush his heart to smithereens. All he could hear was the panicked whistle of his own lung's erratic wheeze. Vaguely he was aware he was having a very bad panic attack. Knowing didn't stop it though, there was nothing he could do but ride it out. 

Dusk loomed lonely and oppressive from the windows before he was coherent enough to realize what was going on around him. Where was Taemin? Maybe he could explain. Maybe Taemin wouldn't hate him anymore if he could just explain, his stomach sloshed like a leaky balloon when he got up, he could barely stand. He had to explain though. 

Taemin was still in the bathroom, was he ok? He knocked, whispered his name as well as he could, forcing words out where no words wanted to be. Taemin answered stiffly, he said he understood. Did he? Did he maybe? He couldn't navigate a conversation that complex right now his brain was shutting all it's communication centers down. He would just have to hope. Please Taemin. Please don't hate me. He shuffled to the living room and sat heavily on the couch for how long he didn't know. 

Sometime later he realized Taemin had gone to bed. The house was dark and quiet. Taemin was curled into a tight miserable ball in the bed, his back to Jongin's side. He wanted so badly to wrap Taemin up in his arms, kiss away his misery... But he didn't have the right, having caused the misery in the first place. He wanted to touch him so badly he couldn't help himself, being as respectful as he could, he brushed his hand gently against Taemin's rigid unhappy back. He wished he didn't want to touch him so badly, need to touch. He couldn't stop the tears quietly sliding into his pillow. He tucked his pinky ever so barely under Taemin, desperate for any contact, and fell into a fitful sleep. He dreamed of an eclipse, wind howling around him. There was a long red ribbon tied into a lonely tree. He woke up crying. 

The next day passed in the most torturous way, Taemin wouldn't speak to him, wouldn't look at him, wouldn't talk to him. It was like he had already decided Jongin was unfit, unworthy of his life and love. Had he decided that? Maybe he had, Jongin had never been authentic or creative enough to deserve such a blessed force of nature as Lee Taemin. He'd always known that more or less... he'd just hoped. He'd been sick with hope. He felt like he was dying, the air being sucked out of his lungs ceaselessly. He didn't know how he was supposed to continue without Taemin now. He didn't know how he was supposed to even look at himself in the mirror without Taemin. 

For the first time in months, maybe years, he almost slept through his Monday morning alarm. It made him sick to his stomach, if he didn't work at that fucking school, then none of this would be an issue. He could just go, support the love of his life, the person he was meant to spend eternity with. 

He was standing idly in the living room, trying to form thoughts, trying to function, afraid to leave with Taemin so disappointed in him. It felt to final. His heart hurt so much, his stomach felt like it was filled with blood. He couldn't move at all. Suddenly Taemin was there in front of him, distaste in the set of his eyebrows.

"I know you can't miss work or anything, but the last day usually lasts until late at night. Maybe you could come after work for a couple hours? For the after party at least?", Taemin looked calm, indifferent, mildly irritated. 

No. why now? Why when it was to late? How could he do it? It was impossible now, a test created for him to fail. It wasn't fair. He felt sick with his predetermined failure. The cold nausea taking him over, made him feel trapped.

"Taemin, why are you asking at the last possible second? I really don't think I can. It's a long drive. I wouldn't get there until to late, after a whole day of teaching." 

"Right", Taemin sucked his teeth in idle disgust and disappointment, "of course, because why would you want to support me during the most important professional week of my career?" He spat the words, face full of loathing, fury.

"What the fuck Taemin?", Jongin's breath was ragged tangled inside his chest somehow. To much. To much. Why now? Why when it was to late, when all he could do was fail like always. Always a failure. Never enough. Never good enough. He was trying to be a person. To be good. He'd been trying to be so good. Why when it was to late? His heart slammed erratic and desperate in his chest, "Some of us have real fucking jobs and can't just go popping off whenever we want to. I'm sorry you're upset but what the fuck do you expect me to do?" Oh no. No that. That wasn't the right thing. Those were mean things. Why was his tone all weird and angry? He didn't feel angry. He felt terrified. What the fuck? Why couldn't he ever be a person with words and feelings? He always did it wrong. 

"You're sorry I'm upset? Sorry that you have a real job? Well fuck me, I didn't realize the career I gave up my entire fucking life for wasn't real enough for you. At least I haven't been sucking academia's dick 24/7 because I've been to afraid to admit to anyone who I really was. So what? I'm good enough to spread for you, but not good enough to share a life? Yeah ok. I get it. Story of my fucking life. You can join the fucking club. Unfortunately I don't have time for this fucking delightful conversation, because I have to go. So I guess you have a whole fucking week to yourself to decide if you really want me and my not fucking proper real life, in yours. If you decide you don't, just don't fucking be here when I get back. Just... Just fucking don't." Taemin looked at him in disgust and slammed the door so loud it echoed in their empty apartment. Taemin's empty apartment. He'd finally said it. He didn't want Jongin anymore. He couldn't move or think, despair swallowed him whole. He didn't hear 10 minutes later when texts started blowing up his phone, he didn't hear an hour later when the school started calling him. He didn't hear two hours later when his co-workers started blowing up his phone. He didn't hear an hour after that when Chanyeol and Baekhyun were the ones blowing up his phone. 

If he was aware at all he may have noticed that in the evening after classes Kyungsoo came to bang on his door or that he had eventually sat down exactly where he had been when Taemin slammed out of the house. But he was not aware, all he saw, felt, or understood was mind bending despair, fear, self loathing, self blame, and panic so thick nothing else could get through. He didn't notice when his phone battery died in the middle of the night, finally ceasing its worried bleeping. 

He registered nothing at all until the pain from his bladder became so intense he was shaken out of his fugue. He stood weakly, wobbled to the bathroom, peed, and stumbled right back to where he had been before. The last place he has seen his Taemi, the last moment he would know love. Thinking those words ripped the air out of his lungs. He curled up on his side, staring vaguely as nothing. A patch of sunlight slowly moved across the room, he barely saw it. He barely registered the faint glimmer under the couch that sunbeam illuminated. Nothing could matter now, he would lay here as long as he could just in case Taemi came back and told him that he didn't hate Jongin after all. The glitter reminded him of his dream, stars and destiny... Something stirred insistent, non-existent, memories. Destiny. 

Destiny. 

Finally the glitter cut through his malaise, he crawled after it, barely aware he was doing it. Destiny. His heart came back to life in great wracking spasms. He reached under the couch feeling without looking. His palm met ancient, cold, textured metal. Two suns burned behind his eyes. He pulled it out from under the couch in shock. He knew exactly what it was before he even saw it. The locket. It was the locket that was supposed to help him some how. The one he'd lost as soon as he got it, just like he lost every other important thing. Just like he lost his Taemi. His blood screamed Taemin's name, sang something old and powerful. He couldn't hear for all the cacophony in his ears, the cosmos. His fingertips burned. The locket which had been fused shut before, fell open with out so much as a single touch. 

Inside the locket was a picture of Taemin, in a glorious black and charcoal grey wedding dress. His smile was effervescent framed by the radiance of the sun behind him... He almost looked like he was the sun. On the other side of the locket where there would typically be a second picture, was a small, enamel, celestial painting of the moon and a single bright star. It had an inscription that read. 'Its you. Always. I feel better with you' 

The locket was right, he did feel better with Taemin. A crushing weight slid off of his chest, replaced with a whirlwind of despair. He sobbed desperately clutching the little locket. Eventually the tornado in his heart settled as much as it ever could now. With it came the ability to think again. 

A week, Taemin said he had a week. It couldn't have been a week yet right? That meant he still had time. Where the fuck was his phone? He vaguely remembered all the noise it made earlier. Coffee table. It was on the coffee table...and completely fucking dead. Ok. He needed to make a plan. Charge his phone, shower the filth and despair off, eat something, and by the grace of everything that was holy in the universe, win back the heart of the only person he had ever or would ever love. 

The first thing he did once he was washed and sitting down with a bowl of cereal, was turn his phone back on. The string of notifications was almost absurd. The calendar told him it was Tuesday evening. Thank fuck he still had time. The first thing he did was group text his friends and tell them he was alive but he had to take care of something important, the most important thing. He couldn't talk right then but would explain as soon as possible. 

Then he looked at his other texts. He wasn't surprised that there were none from Taemin. He would give Jongin space to make his choice...as if there was even any choice to be made. As if he could ever do anything but choose Taeminnie. Now he just had to prove that to Taemin himself, knowing his boyfriend's history with abandonment it was going to have to be something much more significant than a simple promise. But his heart knew. His heart knew. He just needed a little help. Reading the texts already there made his stomach hurt again but all he could do was move forward. 

\---- 

Jonghyun Hyung

what the fuck happened Nini? 

Jongin? 

You need to get back to me

Something is very very wrong with Taemin. What happened??? 

Jongin ssi? 

Fuck. This is bad. I haven't seen him this bad in years. Not since his mom. I know you couldn't have possibly broken up with him. You aren't that kind of masochist. Text me. 

He's not ok Jongin. He thinks we don't see. We see. It's Tuesday, he won't tell me what's wrong but I know him. He's dying inside again. Please if you ever loved him. Please at least tell me what happened so I can help him. 

. 

I fucked up. I'm so sorry. I need to tell him too. I know I fucked up. I'm going to do my best to fix it. I know I don't deserve any favors from you. I know I should already know this. I know I should already be there but I'm going to do everything in my power to fix it please. Can you tell me where you're at? 

. 

Thank gawd!!!!!!

Holy shit! 

Took you long enough

You motherfucking drama queen

Oh my gawd I have been worried fucking sick. I was starting to worry you had died in some freak accident. Fucking fuck. Oh my fuck. You fuck. Ahhh you and I are gonna have a talk about this later but for now this is where we are. 

. 

Thank you Jonghyun ssi, we are all so lucky to have you in our lives

.

You're damn right you are. You come win him back and you can call me Hyung again.... But not one second before.

.

Yes sir understood. It's going to take me a day to get everything sorted out I need to make it up to him. What will be the best time tomorrow? What time does the show thing end? He'd kill me all over if I fucked up his show. 

.

Tomorrow? Fuck you're right about the timing. The last round will be over around five. You sure you can't come today? 

.

No, but it will worth it. I swear to everything I hold sacred. To him. It will be worth while. 

.

Fuck, it better be. Ok I can probably buy you some time

He bought you a suit, it's hidden in the closet somewhere. He's been really excited about it for weeks, bring that damn suit and wear it like your fucking life depends on it kid. 

.

I will... Thank you. 

.

I'm doing it for him not you kiddo. You're a part of him now. Fix it and you and I will be just fine. Just fix it. 

. 

I'm doing everything in my power... I just realized what exactly everything in my power was, is all. I am... That is, if he will give me a second chance then I know I can make it right.

. 

Well stop talking and get to it. 

\----- 

Jongin was so thankful to have Jonghyun in his corner. It made him feel less helpless. He had to make a few phone calls to get everything ready for tomorrow. Time to get that suit and pray that whomever was watching out for them, continued to do so for just a little longer. He fished the locket out of his pocket...it would fit nicely next to his collar if he could find a proper chain in here. Thank goodness his boyfriend had jewelry for every possible occasion. 

His boyfriend. 

Just give me a little longer Taemin. I swear I'm coming. 

\---------

Jongin woke up bright and early, everything was ready and in place. He kissed the locket and prayed to all the eternities that Taemin felt a little peace this morning, that he would feel Jongin coming and feel at least a little peace. Taemin didn't deserve to hurt like that. He was on his way now. I love you Lee Taemin. Forever and ever. 

\------ 

The Tension in the theater auditorium broke wide while Taemin was doing their victory fanfare with the rest of 5Shinee. Something felt very weird all of a sudden. Very very weird. They stopped at the end of catwalk wearing the designer gothic wedding dress they'd chosen months ago. At the time it had seemed funny to be thinking about commitment for the first time in their entire life, to get the coordinating Goth wedding gown and the sexy stylish tailored suit that went with it. Today they had been afraid it would feel like a funeral but somehow it had comforted them much more than expected. The audience's whispers were raising in intensity and volume. They couldn't quite understand what the audience was saying from up on the stage. 

"-Coming out-"

"Shocked established queer media-"

"-Mysterious-"

"-Reclusive-"

"-Award winning-"

"-confession'" 

"-Kim-"

The voices over lapped, she couldn't make anything out clearly. She strained to make sense of the no longer restrained excitement. 

"Kim"-"Kim-""Kim" hundreds of voices were saying the same name over and over, why couldn't she understand?

She couldn't quite make out who or what was going on, then she heard it. Clear as day, clear as the heart in her chest.

"-The Kim Kai-" 

WHAT THE FUCK?! 

But she had no time to wonder what the fuck that meant because the doors were thrown wide, and there looking despicably charming and casually gorgeous was her fucking boyfriend- probably ex boyfriend? he was in the suit she bought, with at least two dozen blood red and black roses. Jongin's low collarless black semi casual shirt was open at the neck. His collar glittered in the bright lights. The roses, like the outfit, had to be the sexiest thing she had ever seen. They matched her dress perfectly. She whipped around to look for Jonghyun but all of 5Shinee were way behind her near the back of the stage That was suspicious. Mama Jongmi mouthed, 'I love you' and pointed at Kai. The message was obvious, we're here for you now go get your man. She turned back around, still floored.

What the fuck?!?

"Nini?" She whispered in shock, he couldn't possibly hear her from where he was across the auditorium. 

But that...that wasn't Nini or even Jongin... somehow she knew that was Kai, behaving exactly like you would expect a gorgeous, sexy, celebrity, it boy, author to be acting. He was smiling and waving, winking, even throwing finger hearts occasionally. She stood rooted to the spot in utter shock. 

Kai jumped lithe and agile onto the stage. Somehow he managed to not ruin the giant fall of roses at the same time. Kai almost fell away for moment as he stood in front of Taemin, with a raised eyebrow and the roses held sheepishly towards her. She took them with a questioning look. He winked at her and wheeled around to a microphone stand that either wasn't there a minute ago or she hadn't noticed until just now. He sauntered up to it, took the microphone with what she could only call casual sex. He waved happy and radiant at the audience. They were all 7,000 of his closest friends now, "Hi everyone, as you may have heard by now, I'm Kim Kai." The crowd screamed its excited acknowledgement.

His smile was blinding radiant. He moved with a confident grace that exuded sex appeal. Fuck. 

"I know you don't me, but I know all of you. So many of you have sent me emails, letters, dm's, messages to my publishers even. You told me about your coming out stories, your first loves, your broken hearts, your wedding days, and I have loved to hear every single one of your stories. In fact, I don't mind telling you, some of you had some pretty sexy stories to tell too. I have loved all of it" The crowd went wild again. They loved his easy confidence, his charisma. Danger couldn't even pretend, she did too. She'd missed him so much. This felt like an impossible dream. 

Kai held his hands up asking for quiet with a good natured sexy smirk, "I am sure the internet is already buzzing with theories as to why I'm here today. I know that for the last few months there has been a lot of speculation based on my writings, that I must have been in love...and maybe even in a serious relationship.", Kai paused for effect, opening his mouth slowly to finish. Some of you even had theories as to whom it might be...I saw all kinds of suggestions... Some of them even suggested women which was a little weird to me given my body of work, but compulsory heterosexuality can make us all a little weird right?". The crowd booed and whooped it's agreement.

"It's certainly made me weird", the audience whispered in a protracted hiss, "you see for the last few years I have had a very respectable day job", the audience booed and hissed. 

"I know, I know, I'm embarassed for me too. Recently someone much smarter than me, pointed out that the only reason I kept that job was because I was afraid of what people would think of me, because of this job." Kai bit his lip in thought, gesturing to himself and everyone there with him. 

"The thing is you guys, they were right. I was afraid. So afraid I let in leech into my day to day life, into the way I treated them. But if this week has taught me anything important, it was realizing that, safe can't save me from hurt. That as long as I have them in my life, I really don't care what anyone thinks about me... That maybe I hadn't from the beginning, that maybe I was just going through the motions without examining why I was going through the motions." 

"If I was willing to fly across the expanse of space for them, with them, the least I could do in this world, and in this life was hold them with me without reservation or regret. I get that now. If people are foolish enough to disrespect me because of the nature of my work that's their loss not mine. I know now, that as long as I have my person the rest is just details, you know?", The crowd howled it's approval. The cheers took a minute to die down enough for Kai to continue.

"Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. There's been a lot of speculation on whom my lover might be...some of you had some super extensive analysis of my writing, which was intense and somtimes even right.", The audience laughed, cheered, and groaned. Everyone was invested in this story now, Danger too. She was shocked how quickly his magnetism had drawn the entire room in.

"The thing is, I'm here because I screwed up, because I gave them the impression that they didn't matter to me, and nothing could ever be farther from the truth. Because Baby," he pivoted to face Danger now, "... because I do want and need you in my life baby, without you this world is dull and grey. I don't ever want to go back to that. I want to spend every day for the rest of our lives choosing you again and again. Because only choosing you every day for the rest of eternity could give the depth and width of my love for you a semi accurate form. You're my heart baby, you're a piece of my soul, and I don't ever want to live this life without you...if you can forgive me for being painfully oblivious, and torturously emotionally useless." He walked slowly towards her, to give her time to say no if she couldn't forgive him. When he was right in front of her he cocked his head and raised one eyebrow in question. 

"You came", her voice was hoarse and tight with emotion. 

He nodded looking sheepish up through his eyelashes at her, "I'm sorry I'm late Taemi". 

She slapped his shoulder in frustration, trying not to feel totally overhelmed. He nodded again, "I deserved that. I am so sorry baby...so umm?" 

"I should make you stew for three days in retribution" she hiccup laughed with the intensity of her emotions 

"Well the truth is, I already did but if that's what it takes, I'll wait any amount of time you need." He shrugged casually, a simple acknowledgement. 

"Of course I forgive you, don't be ridiculous" her giggle was high pitched and frantic. 

"Thank you", he whispered heavily. Maybe no one else noticed, but she could see he was holding back tears, "May I touch you Mxtress?" He whispered with open reverence. 

"Please...", She nodded, enveloped by his sad earnest energy.

Kai moved slowly, she noticed his hands were trembling the slightest bit. Her breath caught in her throat when his hand met the back of her neck. His touch was gentle but firm as he pulled her in close, into a desperate, then passionate kiss. She felt like fire and lightening coarsed heavily through her body to burn radiant anywhere their bodies met. 

The crowd went wild. They were both crying on each other a little but it didn't matter, they were together. They kissed like they were starving for each other, like their only source of oxygen lay in the non-existent space between them. Jongin swung her around in a clumsy ecstatic relieved circle, covering her face in kisses as he spun. The crowd started screaming even louder. 

"How?" She whispered, "what about work?" 

He winked briefly, asking her to hold on for a minute, "so", his smirk was hungry and amused as he turned back to the audience, "you MxDayKai shippers were riiiight", he tossed the microphone casually so he could touch her with both hands. His need to be close undeniable after so many days of fear. The audience screamed in amused delight at the revelation, at how cute they were being together. 

He took her small hands in his, "can we go somewhere else? Anywhere else, so we can talk? I swear, I have answers to any questions you have right now". She nodded in astonishment. Kai exhaled in steep relief, deflating before her eyes. Just like that he was her Nini again...just like that, like he had been holding his breath for days on end. He wound himself around her shoulders and buried his face in the hollow of her throat. She could feel the tears on his cheeks, he was crying again, harder now, "it's ok Nini baby, we can go back to my room. I'm done for the day anyway. She couldn't believe how much she missed this, missed him

"I'm so sorry", they both said at once, "I love you so much", they spoke over each other again, clinging to each other in giddy exhaustion, laughing at how ridiculous they were. 

"Let's go lay down baby bear, I don't know about you, but I haven't slept in days, and I'm suddenly fucking exhausted" 

"Fuck. Yes so much, thank you so so much" 

They barely noticed anyone in the whole world other than each other. If they had, outside of their legendary ship news, outside of the resulting chaos, they probably would have seen her 5Shinee family, their 5Shinee family, happily hugging and high fiving each other. More than one or two happy tears were being shed. They would have seen them if they'd been looking, but they only had eyes for each other.

The heavens themselves rejoiced, exultant.

\--- 

Upon unspoken agreement, when they got to Taemin's room, they tossed their phones on the bedside table and started peeling out of their clothes. Jongin helped Taemin out of the beautiful, elaborate wedding dress like he did on the weekends. Unwilling to be apart for any reason they showered together. Afterwards Jongin insisted on rubbing Taemin's back and legs... anywhere else he ached. It was one of their most long standing rituals and helped them feel close again. After the massage Nini curled up on Taemin's chest, greatful to be reveling in their closeness again. Taemin ran fingers through Jongin's floppy hair.

"Nini baby, not that I'm not greatful because I am so fucking greatful... but how in the fuck are you here? What about work?" 

"Oh yeah, You don't know yet. I kind of forgot. I'm so used to knowing everything all the time.", Jongin propped himself up on his elbows so he could see Taemin better, "I quit." 

Taemin sat bolt upright, accidentally shoving Jongin off of him, "You what???" 

Jongin gently pushed Taemin back down so he could lay on him again, "I quit, you told me I had a choice, and I made it. It was easy, not really a choice at all. I don't have a single regret." 

Taemin tried to wiggle around so he could see Jongin's face better, "I appreciate that babe... But not to be indelicate or whatever, but what about money? Your friends?" 

Jongin laughed, "Oh well, Kim Kai makes a ton more money than Kim Jongin ever did. My friends are shocked but they'll get over it. They love me. Fuck I think Baek would literally disown me if I wasn't able to fix this. He likes you way more than he likes me. Anyway my point is, they'll be fine.", He paused taking a deep breath, "You were right you know, I was afraid for no good reason. I hadn't needed that job for any reason other than image management for a long time....it was what I thought I needed to do. The Kai career was such a fluke, emo baby gay ramblings that got picked up by a publisher. At first I didn't think the book deal would work out, then I didn't know how to tell my friends they were wanking it to my art, then I was just afraid of what being that level of publicly out would mean for me... for my family."

"Hey, Nini, I shouldn't have said it like that. I'm sorry. It's easier for me, with no close family ties to talk about identity and it's impact, even if it was fundamentally true, I said it to hurt you back. I shouldn't have. I am so sorry." 

"I deserved it Taeminnie, it's ok... I hope you know... No that's not what I mean. I don't actually think your job is less important, I'd been on anxiety pins and needles for at least a week when I realized you wanted me to come to this, I felt guilty for not realizing ahead of time. So I blamed you. It was easier than realizing I should have asked when you first mentioned it to me. I was just so used to you doing work stuff on your own. It didn't occur to me until you were asking that this might be different for you. I'm really sorry for how poorly I handled it." 

"Fuck, me too baby", Taemin pulled Nini into the crook of his armpit so they could cuddle and see each other, "It's my fault too. I wanted to ask you for awhile and was to afraid, the more afraid I got, the more afraid you got, the more I blamed myself which compounded my anxiety and despair. I'm really sorry that I wasn't communicating clearly."

He kissed Jongin's forehead, "hey, wait a second I just realized... How the hell did you just stroll in there, declare that you are Kim Kai and sweep me off?" 

"Well, it helps that I am in fact Kim Kai"

Jongin's smile was devilish. He bit Taemin's pec affectionately. Happy and relieved to be tangled up with him again. 

"You know what I mean", Taemin flicked him on the forehead. 

"Yeah I know", Nini sighed, "When I woke up yesterday I talked to Jonghyun Hyung and found out where you were. Then I called my publishers and manager, got them to schedule a press conference here so I could tell everyone who I was. I just had them call the company or whatever that run this thing... I'll be honest I don't really know how they did that part. Then we had the social media team start putting things on all my accounts... I personally reached out to a couple big fan accounts that I happen to know are fair and respectful...then a second round of push notifications about the press conference when I got here to get people talking about it." 

"Wow you really know how to make an entrance don't you?" Taemin ran his thumb over the soft curve of Nini's bottom lip. 

"Well, I had a lot of making up to do. I needed to show you, that you are more important to me than my so called propriety. I couldn't think of any better way to do it...and let's face it you love a big to do." 

Taemin laughed, "I do love a big to do. But baby you said when you woke up, you couldn't have been asleep this whole time? ... Right?" 

"Ahaha you couldn't just gloss over that huh? No of course you couldn't," Jongin looked at Taemin with stars in his eyes for a moment before he grew serious again, "No I wasn't asleep, I had a severe meltdown when you left and was... Unresponsive? In a fugue? Barely conscious? Whatever you want to call it, yesterday afternoon my bladder demanded attention which shook me out of it a little. Then I found the locket in a sunbeam of all things. When I touched it... I don't know, it sounds ridiculous but it cleared my head somehow. The panic keeping me from being able to think just burned away. Speaking of which have you ever worn that dress before today?" 

"Only when I had it fitted, why?" 

"Here", Jongin opened the locket for Taemin, "l found it like this" 

Taemin gently touched the elaborate little locket, "Whoah it's warm ... This picture looks like it's from today almost. Is it paint? Enamel too?" 

"I honestly have no idea, it was ice cold until you said you forgave me. Now it's warm. I don't know how it could have your picture before you wore the dress. I don't understand who that person was. But they were right, it helped me get back to you. That's all I need to know about it really." He nuzzled Taemin reveling in the clean, peppery musky smell of him, the warm smoothness of his skin.

"Well then that's weird but I too am happy enough to not question something to hard that worked... fuck Nini you feel so good. I missed you so much. Let's never fight like that again." 

"I agree, you know the only time we've had real bad fights has been when we were afraid to tell each other something emotionally important, so maybe we need to work out an emotions version of safe words..." 

Taemin stared at him dumbfounded

"What?", Nini whined 

"You're brilliant, emotional safe words, that's a great idea"

"Oh good. But Taeminnie baby can we pick them after we sleep. I haven't slept since basically last Friday night? At the latest." 

"Yes yes please let's sleep... Nini can I squish you? I missed squishing you so much. I was so scared. My soul feels out of alignment."

Jongin didn't respond with words, he rolled onto his back and pulled Taemin with him with a satisfied grumble. 

They fell asleep immediately, breathing each other in. Back where they belonged, together, bound by fate and gravity. 

Eternity smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're here everyone. The end. 
> 
> *Happy sob* 
> 
> If you are like me and not quite ready to let these babies go on without us. 
> 
> I am going to write an afterward that will be a bit of a time skip and pure fluff for the sake of pure fluff.
> 
> I have a couple other WIP I need to work on so it may be a week or two. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading, for every single kudo, comment, and share. It meant the world to me


	13. Tomorrow Ever After - An Afterward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say. I'm sorry this is kind of late. The comeback cycle had me doing a million different things, and the slow-pocalypse always has me stretched thin these days. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy. I missed our Danger Minnie and Nini Kitten, and was really happy catching up with them.
> 
> I hope it's nice for you as well 🖤💜

It was Saturday night, a packed house, and Mx Danger had just decimated their performance. The best performance yet in a long line of astounding, amazing, stunning, shows. The audience went wild. 

Danger loved it, they twirled, bowed, curtsied, and egged the crowd on to cheer more. It felt incredible. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Nini could be here. But he had his own work performance across town, unfortunately they couldn't be together. It was fine, they were both grown ups with extremely busy professional lives, but shows always held a little more romance when Nini was in the audience or Kai was on the stage with her. Taemin would pout later, right now Mx Danger needed to be perfection. 

With no warning, every light in the club went out. It was pitch black in the windowless club, the audience collectively 'OooooOOooooohhhh'ed. People were digging in their pockets, purses, and corsetry, for phones, to use as little torches. Jonghyun hissed at her from off stage.

"Danger, Come here!" 

She shimmied off stage as quickly as she could. 

"What did you do?!? Why are all the lights off?!?!" 

"I didn't do anythi-" 

She was cut off by the very eerie effect of almost every smart phone in the building emitting a discordant warbling siren. A storm warning? She heard the soft hiss of the sound system coming back on. A lone voice was floating through the darkness immediately commanding audience attention. It was achingly emotional, despairing, wistful, and then hopeful... She knew this voice like she knew her own soul. What she didn't know was, what the fuck was going on.

"The darkness becomes thicker and weaker,

Eternal, empty and useless.

But it disappeared the moment I opened my eyes."

One spot light came on, there was Kai, kneeling in the puddle of light, wearing the very first thing she'd ever dressed him in. The black and white sweater with the purple 'Pretty Boy' posture collar would always be her favorite for reasons both aesthetic and sentimental. Kai was completely still, under the light, waiting for the building anticipation. He was such a natural performer. It made her swoony. When he swiveled to look at her, he was glowing, singing a song she'd never heard.

"I feel I can fly when you’re with me.

I’m on a jet stream.

Speed up

Leave your body to the way you feel

It spreads smoothly, I don't know how to stop

Feel this thrill and feel free

Baby I like it, ooh

Your breath becomes hot

Out of the paradigm facing limits

The mood is deepening" 

Kai achingly slowly, gracefully wound himself toward her. The dance was understated and sinuous, very, very Kai. Danger was just as riveted as the rest of the audience. She had no idea how or why he was here. As far as she knew he had a show tonight.

"You become clearer

Follow this night

We ride or die, until the end

Always bе there

I'm a little bold

You don't need to bе nervous

Everything you've ever dreamed of becomes a reality

Look around you" 

Kai danced around her, leading her subtly back to center stage, without speaking, without pushing or pulling on her. He'd thanked her a million times for understanding him even when he wasn't speaking out loud, for understanding his language of no words. Both of them relied on that unspoken communication. 

"Tonight, it's just the two of us

Speed up a little bit more

Keep running

Leave your body to the way you feel

It spreads smoothly, I don't know how to stop

Feel this thrill and feel free

Nothing else to do

Before we go too high

As if it were there last

Ride or die

Like this right now"

He fell into position then for a dance they'd been practicing for a future performance. Was this the performance? A chunk of it was freestyle, how would that go with no planning? When he kissed her fingertips with reverence, Danger stopped worrying, she danced. They folded into the joint performance flawlessly. Touch, movement had always been a language they shared. The lack of planned choreography wasn't a problem, they flowed around each other, perfectly unified, the ocean meeting the sky. As the music reached it's zenith, he fell to his knees, at her feet. The music warbled, a sentimental promise, a pledge.

"Always be there

Always be there

Tonight we ride or die" 

The music faded. Danger was so deeply emotional, exhilarated, she almost hadn't noticed she'd been handed the microphone as his song finished. How did she not notice that? But if she had the microphone, what was he holding? He was holding something, right? Looking down on him made her heart pound happily. He was so gorgeous, collar and matching cuffs glinting in the stage light, chest heaving from exertion. He was as brilliant as any sun. So beautiful, waiting for her in a formal kneel, radiating calm and love, hands folded in his lap, ring box held prominently-. 

Ring box? Could Kai sense that she'd realized what he was holding? He popped it open, meeting her eyes, his endless kitten eyes, that never lied to her, eyes that spoke volumes more than any words either of them could say. The ring was a simple brushed white gold band that could go with anything. He fell back into his formal kneel, waiting respectfully... if not a little dramatically.

Danger's head spun as she realized, the black out, sirens, the very showy song with special choreo, dancing together with no choreography at all, kneeling for her on the stage in front of practically their entire community, the ring... they were all parts of an extremely extra, extremely Kai & Mx. Danger, proposal. 

Holy shit. 

Suddenly she understood why she was the one with the mic. She used it like she would a riding crop, directing him with touch, lifting his chin so he was looking up at her. 

"Well Kitten, you put on this extravagant show for them, the least you could do is say the words out loud, for your audience..." 

She gestured to them waiting, neutral, possibly a little stern. He smiled at her, biting his lip and wiggling, happy and relaxed. It made her giggle affectionately. Kitten communicated mostly in wiggles and bites, his most profound love languages.

"Mxtress Danger, My Minnie, Taeminnie, heart of my heart, happiness of my happiness, being with you, being yours has been one of my life's greatest honors and sweetest joys. Please, would you do me the deep and abiding honor of marrying me? Make me yours forever, or as long as you'll have me, please my love. I will be very, very good" 

He winked, wiggled playfully, knowing a little joke would make it easier on her. He was always sweet, silly, and over the top but emotions still embarassed Danger sometimes, they just couldn't help it. Kitten knew and sought to ease all the feelings for her a bit. The wink with the infinity of his gorgeous brown eyes was all she needed to know really. No matter what his mouth said, his eyes spoke endless devotion into the convergence of their two lives. Her heart and soul was absolutely certain of that. She pulled him up by his now magically clipped cuffs, so she could better touch him. 

"Yes, yes, yes. Forever yes, I will keep you, make you mine forever. Maybe that day we met was prophetic after all My Kitten. Who could have guessed? Only the stars, and they know how to keep their secrets" 

She laughed squinching her nose at him. The audience screamed, she barely noticed, for Danger there was only Kai, they kissed more fire into the universe. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in the hollow of her throat, nuzzling blissfully. Pressing his face against the warm smooth reality of her throat, he relaxed out of Kai performance headspace, back to her Nini Kitten, melting into her, humming little happy tunes. 

Their whole chosen family came pouring out from backstage to hug and cry on them. Absolutely everyone was crying or shouting... or both. Finally people gave them some space. The venue announced that everyone there could get a free well drink in celebration. After all what was an engagement party without the party? The happy couple, now officially betrothed, slow danced to some sappy song or another, barely registering that there was anyone there but them. Their own little world of two had always been more than enough for them.

"I love you so much Danger baby, thank you for saying yes. I kinda wasn't sure. Proposing is scary" 

He made big baby kitten eyes at them to illustrate his point

"You weren't sure? I'm, not sure, if I'm offended, amused or impressed, how in the world could you not be sure how much I love you??"

"No no never that baby, not about me, about marriage. You've had a pretty firm anti marriage stance since I've known you. But lately you stopped yelling about the evils of the 'allocishetero-normative marriage con', plus I thought maybe you had been giving me some wistful looks when we saw old married gays, and we talked about a handfasting. So basically I know you love me, I know we're both very committed... it's just that little M word, I wasn't sure how that would go... so, it seemed like tempting fate to ask... but also, I had to ask. I couldn't go even one more single day without asking"

Danger kissed Nini's cheek bone, because he looked so very vexed.

"Nini, baby, did you forget that you don't believe in marriage either? I understand, if you want to get married it isn't for government validation, or just because that's what everyone does, that if you specifically were proposing it was because you had thought about it extremely extensively and found something there that appealed to you personally, something that you couldn't find easily any other way"

Nini looked slightly pouty at being so easily understood.

"No... I don't think... that I count like that? I would have married you ages ago. I guess I only disapprove of marriage in theory?"

"Well, just so you know, I know you don't go into anything without an infinity of deliberation. Even when we first got together and kept accidentally crashing into each other's trauma, not thinking things through was never one of your problems. I said yes, because I care about your heart a lot more than I don't trust the government, or myself. Can I ask though, well no not can, I'm asking, what is it that makes you want to be married specifically?" 

Nini rested his head on their shoulder, drag show night glam godde heels meant they were significantly taller than their usual. 

'I don't want to be married, I want to be married to **you**."

"Mmmh, is it the possessive language and the life long contract Kitten?" 

Taemin was filled with so much love for their Nini as he pressed his face against their neck again, obviously smelling them. He answered in incredibly smol, despite being quite a bit tall. 

"Yes" 

"Baby, I would be honored to make you mine forever. You know that right? Fuck, I love you so much sometimes it doesn't feel like it can all fit inside my body. For the record, I may not approve of a lot of aspects of marriage, but being contractually obligated to call you mine, forever, that I like very much, very very very much." 

"Really?"

"Yes, absolutely really"

"Thank you for understanding"

"Hey, you and me, we get each other right?" 

"Yes actually, we do usually. I love you so much. So so much. It makes my heart hurt trying to contain" 

I love you too, Nini Kitten, you make me feel poetic but if we start swapping prose, I don't think we'll ever get out of here. I know I could talk about how precious you are to me, for an infinity and a day. Oh, now that we have the important stuff taken care of, I am dying to know, how in the world did you get everyone to agree to this?" 

"What was there to agree to? They were all excited to help once they knew what I was trying to plan. The club is literally gonna put up a plaque to commemorate such a "momentous celebrity occasion for the whole lgbtqia+ community". Apparently we represent the whole community now, that's not stressful at all. Regardless of that though, you are very very loved in this world baby." 

"Jonghyun told me, specifically, and exactly, almost verbatim, that he knew we'd spent the last few years in therapy, growing up, learning from our mistakes, and developing the tools we need to communicate with each other well enough to not fuck it up anymore, since we'd done the hard part, he was giving us his very unecessary blessing. That was his phrase by the way, very unecessary blessing. Your dad is hilarious... wonderful and hilarious" 

"He is isn't he? I am very lucky he found me. Kitten, love of my life, do you wanna get out of here?"

"But they're celebrating our engagement, wouldn't it be rude to sneak out?"

"Well, consider this, do you think they're actually expecting me to wait until tomorrow to lay my claim on you, officially." 

"Mmmh well when you say it like thaaat." 

"Come on, no one is paying attention, let's go!"

They made a frantic giggly dash for the front door. Nini was as always, very impressed with Danger's ability to run in stilettos. As soon as they got out the front door, the whole bar broke out in hollering and cheering so loud they could hear it from the parking lot. There was at least one "Destroy him, Danger!!!" in there. 

They clung to each other happily blushing for no real reason but that they were so happy, it felt a little surreal. They stood for a minute mostly just swooning at each other, absorbing their friends and family's excitement for them. Danger was tall enough in platform stilettos to spin Nini around so she did, because he was too cute. They were more than a little giddy. 

Kibum popped out the door, looking slightly rushed, and slightly more exasperated. 

"I thought you two might still be out here mooning at each other. Listen we're canceling practice for three days. You are not allowed to come to the studio at all. Do you hear me? If you get antsy... well I'm sure you can think of very athletic ways to burn off all that extra energy. I mean it, three days!" 

Taemin laughed happily, everything was so funny right now, could you get high on being in love? Danger thought it might be possible now, they still made a face at Kibum just on general principle. 

"Yes, Mother, we'll be good" 

Kibum smirked evilly at them. 

"I was under the impression that being good was your fiance's job? No I don't actually want you to explain your dynamics to me, for fuck sake no. But for all that is holy don't let my husband hear you call me mother. If you take away team dad and team mom he's going to be inconsolable. He takes his emotional responsibility to all of you, but especially you two, extremely seriously. So please if you must snark at me... Call me aunty Key, Other Dad? Other Mother? No that's creepy. Anyway, something else, Ok?" 

Danger was immediately serious. 

"Yeah ok, I didn't realize it bothered him that much." 

"Oh please you know JJong, he thinks he can protect everyone from his feelings. It's really fine. Now you know. Please, don't you two get mopey or I'll be the one who's desolate with guilt. Go on. Go destroy him already. I know you want to. What are you waiting for honey? A personal invitation? He literally asked you to put your name on his ass for eternity. You have been invited. I love you kiddo, now dear godde go get laid before I have to express another emotion. We're both way past our emotional limit for the day. That's bound to get messy if it continues" 

Kibum didn't wait for a response, waving them off, and heading back inside before he had to pretend he didn't care about any more sincere feelings. They both yelled, "I love you you tooooo!" even as he went to great lengths pretending to maintain the illusion that he didn't care. It was Kibum, snark and advice were his love languages, and they both knew he loved them a whole lot. They decided that he was right anyway, they should just go ahead and go home. 

To their home. Together. Forever. 

Forever sounded pretty phenomenal. 

\--------

"Taeminnie, where are you? I have a little betrothal gift. It's not much, please don't get to excited." 

"I'm in the kitchen babe, making food so you don't forget to eat" 

"Aww you really do love me"

"Please as if that hasn't been abundantly clear for years" 

Nini appeared over Taemin's shoulder, wrapped his arms around his tiny, powerful finance's waist, and nipped him happily. 

"Minnie I have a confession, I keep thinking my fiance, and babe I strongly dislike the whole purity culture that revolves around allocishet marriage, but I fucking love thinking of you that way. How much of a hypocrite am I?" 

Taemin kissed his cheek and shoved some fruit in Nini's mouth. They'd long ago mastered the art of getting Jongin fed, rain or shine he would always take what Minnie fed him. 

"If you're a hypocrite than so am I, I'm positively drunk on just the thought that you will be mine, forever. Mine. Mine. Mine. I don't know babe, I feel extremely emotional about you giving me the gift of yourself. No one will ever be able to top that-"

"Except you." 

Minnie laughed & bit Nini's face a little, growling in mock disapproval. 

"Maybe I really should put my name on your ass, since you're so set on being a brat" 

Jongin whipped a Sharpie out of hiding. 

"Aha, the perfect set up, put your name on me anywhere you want." 

"What's this hmmm?" 

Taemin was very suspicious of how gleeful his -FIANCE- was. 

"It's a silver paint pen, you know, so you can put your name on me in style... plus it matches your engagement ring. I want one too by the way, can I have an engagement ring too? I want the whole world to know how completely I'm yours." 

It was such a small thing, but so incredibly moving, Taemin felt profoundly lucky to have someone in their life, that understood them so deeply, like the ocean. They fed Nini some berries, peeled him out of his shirt, and stood back to visualize him as a most divine canvas. They wrote 'My pretty boy' across his chest, thought for a minute and added 'forever' 

Art had been their first connection, and it always held a particularly sacred place in their relationship. He wasn't sure if Nini intended for this to be so emotional but he was so very emotional.

"Nini baby, my very most precious Kitten. You know, I love you so much the stars can feel it, right?" 

Nini shook himself out of the softness he was sinking into from the physical closeness, intense intimacy, and emotional importance of Taemin writing on him. He felt like his soul had been emblazoned with Taemie's love. It was an exquisite feeling, he never wanted to end. Forever.

Yes, he needed forever, he needed Minnie, his Minnie, forever if at possible, not out of loneliness or desperation, but out of deep and abiding love. Taemin told him once, in their beginnings, that they wanted to choose him every day, to be chosen every day. That was still in his heart, was still how he thought about their love, their togetherness, choosing each other every day, it had always been that way, and had never been more true than it was today. 

"I know, my bones know.... and its still true for me too, I choose you Taeminnie, I choose you today, tomorrow, and every day after that. As long as there is energy in my body, I'll choose you" 

Being the person who got to witness, to fully experience Taemin's most sincere and effusive smiles, that was his personal heaven. He couldn't wait for this forever. 

Forever might be his new favorite word, it felt that good, and always would, he knew, that he would not ever walk away from them. He was in this forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. Maybe he was a little delirious.

Kai & Mx Danger, together forever. His very own fairy tale ending, fairy tale life really. It was hard to remember the time in his life that he believed himself to be unlovable. How wrong he had been, how lucky he was to wake up every morning with the gift of Taemin's love. 

Yeah forever had the absolutely sweetest ring to it now. His fairy tale love and his fairy tale life. He couldn't contain how happy he was to be marrying this tiny, ferocious, precious person. 

... And then they lived happily ever after (more or less)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Song Kai sang for his very extra proposal, is 'Ride or Die' off of Kai's solo debut ep. It's phenomenal, if you haven't already, I highly encourage giving it a listen

**Author's Note:**

> I have a Twitter where I ramble occasionally  
> [@SpaceandGlitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/SpaceandGlitter)  
> [My Carrd](https://moonboysandbinarystars.carrd.co/)  
> 
> 
> Did you live 2 Kids everyone? 
> 
> I cried at 5:30 in the morning like the gay disaster I am.
> 
> If you haven't seen it or listened yet you should. It's gorgeous.


End file.
